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GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! Weather: Have you noticed we’ve been having more and more of it lately? And today is no different. In today’s weather, expect partly cloudy skies turning to sun this afternoon and a high of 79. Wait… this just in… we’re having more weather this weekend as well, with on and off clouds and high in the mid-70s! Wow, the only thing more reliable than weather is NEWS—and here’s some of that, too!

IN LOCAL NEWS:

• House Minority Shithead Kevin McCarthy came to Oregon yesterday to stump for his fellow Republican shithead candidates, and (to the surprise of no one except the breathless media orgs that reported on it) shit all over Portland for the usual reasons. Thanks once again to the city’s crybaby millionaires and cops who gave the GOP and Fox News a great new method of fundraising.

• Speaking of Republicans, “Shadow Republican” Betsy Johnson has gathered enough signatures to be a candidate spoiler in this November’s governor race. Kevin McCarthy thanks you, madam!

• Idaho’s draconian near-total abortion ban (except in the case of medical emergencies) went into effect yesterday, and Portland’s Planned Parenthood says that they’re already seeing an increase of patients from states who have banned the procedure. (BTW, here’s how to say “fuck YOU, Idaho Republicans” and donate to Planned Parenthood.)

• Hillsboro-based animation studio Laika has announced the cast for their upcoming flick Wildwood, and… woooo-weeeee! It is a BANGER of a lineup, including Angela Bassett, Carey Mulligan, Richard E. Grant, Awkwafina, Jake Johnson, Charlie Day, Jemaine Clement, Maya Erskine, and more! 🤩

• Excuse me, but it’s a YUGE week for new music and local festivals! Check out all the shows you better not sleep on (such as the Lose Yr Mind fest) with Jenni Moore’s newest edition of HEAR IN PORTLAND!

IN NATIONAL/WORLD NEWS:

• Pop up some corn, because a federal judge has ordered the Justice Department to release the redacted affidavit associated with the FBI’s search warrant of Trump’s Mar-a-Lago, where he was hoarding scads of classified files. Today’s release (which is expected to drop later this morning) should contain LOTS of spicy details on why the FBI was so concerned about Trump’s possession of such top secret materials.

• Looks like the president’s recent victories (including his decision to forgive some student loans) are showing dividends. In the latest Gallup poll, Biden’s approval ratings have shot up from 38 to 44 percent.

• Big pharma fight! Moderna is attempting to sue the pants off competitors Pfizer and BioNtech for allegedly copying their formula for a COVID-19 vaccine. Pfizer and BioNtech quickly responded with “Aw hell nah.”

• Didn’t know it was their job, but…. the Secret Service has announced that they have recovered a whopping $286 million in COVID relief funds that were stolen by fraudsters pretending to be small businesses in trouble. And more investigations are underway.

• In case you didn’t notice…

• Today in “I will allow it”: “Elton John and Britney Spears unite on a new dance single.”

• And finally… school may start next week, but the “Front School Office Lady” is ready.

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)