I’m just as tired as ever, but my ego is currently up. I only hope that I get to build a connection with my kids while I’m waiting for the big payoff. That I get to support them through their harder years. One the other hand, I’ll keep having thoughts of the way several important people chose to disconnect from me after they said so many nice things and I put in so much work just to try to feel normal. The fact that you think I can’t get better and that I shouldn’t be allowed to try is proof to me that I’ve been doing something you think is impossible for a long time now. There may never be an end to my troubles. One day we will pass each other by. It will be clear then, just how capable I am.
In five or so years
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I’m not a perfect person. None of us are and none of us have ever been such. But I try. I try super hard to align myself with what I think is the right thing to do, to be a person of my word, and to continue to challenge myself to be better. These are not easy things to do. These are things we all fail at. But that’s kind of the point sometimes, that’s how we get better. Sometimes we need help with things. One of my favorite quotes is from John Roderick, its not from a song or anything, just something he said on a podcast once, and who knows where he got it from, it goes “If you aren’t trying to better yourself each day, you are just seeing what you can get away with one more time.” I heard that years ago and that’s stuck with me for sometime. A lot of things I’ve heard years ago stick with me.
Anniewaits, what I see here is someone trying. Thank you for trying. Trying may be a hard and difficult thing, but trying, really trying, is a good thing that helps not only yourself (which is not unimportant), but helps others as well. So that counts for something. But what I will note, and what I appreciate from others, is communication and connection. And apart of maintaining sincere and genuine communication and connection is aligning one’s words with one’s deeds. To participate in our shared objective reality, rather than crafting cliquish subjective fantasies. Don’t get me wrong, they can be pretty appealing at times, that’s the beauty of the arts, but it’s not the place to raise a kid.
Let me wrap this up with this, there are some people in this world who have done terrible awful things, and they probably did them because they were very scared in one way or another. That doesn’t change the fact, that they need to take actions to not only make reparations to the individuals and communities they’ve harmed, but also take action to heal the wounds they’ve inflicted on their own sense of reality. Some will have the strength to do this, others will need help, and a few will not be able to muster the competences to do the right thing.
And in the end, wherever or whenever that is, I think things we will be able to look back together and say while not small part of it was awful, it all worked out pretty well. You can quote me on that.