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GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! And hey: in case you haven’t noticed, the Mercury is now offering audio versions of many of the stories you love—including Good Morning, News, which is especially entertaining when narrated by the Mercury’s resident robot, Debbie. In an effort to reward you for listening to Debbie—click play on the audio article above—I’m asking her to read one of the most famous and stirring movie monologues in cinematic history. What is it? Well, I suppose you’ll just have to listen to find out! Otherwise, allow me to monologue some NEWS.
IN LOCAL NEWS:
Not great news for Portland police response times: According to a recent report commissioned by Portland City Council, it takes on average 20 minutes for the cops to respond to 911 calls. This is in comparison to pre-2020 response times which averaged around eight to 10 minutes per call. While cop advocates are using this blisteringly bad report to shill for a very sketchy ballot measure that would divert money from the city’s voter approved climate fund to hiring cops, the far more reasonable (and money-saving) solution would be to keep expanding the Portland Street Response (PSR) program. In 2024 the unarmed behavioral response team had fielded just over 12,000 calls that ordinarily would’ve been funneled to the cops, though according to this latest report, “this number is expected to rise as PSR expands its coverage and will more than double (to a volume equivalent to about 10 percent of PPBs annual dispatches)… if fully implemented.” The major holdup? Though wildly successful, the PSR program is only now being considered to take on additional welfare check calls, but, according to the report, it will take four years to have the plan fully implemented. (Which could still be potentially faster than throwing more money at the police bureau for 400 additional cops—especially since they can barely fill the positions that are currently open.)
Are you tired of hearing about the ongoing Moda Center controversy? No? GOOD, because I have a rant, which goes a little something like this: In case you missed it last week, Texas billionaire (and the leader of the group that owns the Trail Blazers) Tom Dundon popped into town to attend a millionaires’ pep rally at the Moda to drum up support for a high-end rehab of the arena in which Dundon expects the city to pay $120 million, while he pays… checks notes… NOTHING. By most accounts, the rally was as dry as chalk, and Dundon—dressed in sweat pants of all things, oh my god—seemed wildly disinterested in any of the questions being asked of him, and made no attempt to put Portlanders fears (that he might move the Blazers if he doesn’t get his way) to rest. Now, this is why capitalism sucks hippo dick. Dundon, who also owns a North Carolina hockey team, is seemingly treating the Blazers like just another expensive toy he can show off to his friends, and has little to no interest in Portland or the mighty struggles we’re currently facing. Worse still, Mayor Wilson and the city’s wealthy centrists are falling over themselves to please Dundon, who—need I remind you—obviously does not give a single shit about them or us. And so, here’s a reminder to the city’s wealthy class: I realize you put the acquisition of money above everything else, and pride yourselves on securing the best deal possible in every transaction. So why in the world are you letting a disinterested bro in sweatpants steamroll you? If you’re so proud of being a money-grubbing capitalist, this is one of the few opportunities you’re allowed to ACT LIKE IT. And then insist that if Dundon really wants his shiny new toy, then he needs to show Portland the respect we deserve, and pay us for the privilege. (And while he’s at it, he should use some of his billions to buy a decent pair of pants.) END RANT.
Mental health crisis lines in three of Oregon’s most populated counties—Multnomah, Washington, and Clackamas—were down and inoperable for roughly five hours yesterday, apparently due to a mysterious IT problem, according to county officials. While the exact cause of the problem is still undetermined, the lines were back in business by 3:30 pm Sunday. Officials noted that people in mental distress can always call the National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 which is separate from the counties’ system and operates 24 hours per day.
In World Cup news: The U.S. celebrates what may turn out to be a summer fairytale after reaching the knockout stage, while global stars/icons like Messi and Neymar are giving fans both nostalgia and dramatic upsets. See who’s up, who’s down, and who’s falling in love all over again in our Abe Asher’s World Cup Diary: Week Two!
Calling all chip connoisseurs: There’s a new vending machine in town that you’re gonna want to know about. Mr. Chip opened this past weekend with the goal of helping cure your cravings for hard-to-find snacks. Located inside Mike Bennett Studios on Fremont, the Mr. Chip machine is stocked with 25 varieties of chips from all over the United States and beyond. Our Katherine Chew Hamilton has the crunchy details.
IN NATIONAL AND WORLD NEWS:
The U.S. Supreme Court is really on their grind this morning, releasing multiple (mostly negative) decisions against their boss, Donald Trump. First, and much to Trump’s chagrin, in a Mississippi ruling, the Court agreed to allow the counting of mail-in ballots postmarked by election day, even if they arrive later. The decision will most likely shut down at least 14 other such challenges made by devious Republicans in other states. Meanwhile, the Supremes also slapped down an attempt by Trump to nullify a $5 million civil suit brought by E. Jean Carroll, after a jury found him liable for sexual assault and defaming the journalist. However, it wasn’t all judicial bloody noses for the octogenarian leader, as the Supremes also greatly expanded his presidential authority to fire independent government contractors who were previously protected by federal regulations. If there’s any good news here, it’s that the Supremes are allowing the Federal Reserve to be excluded from this ruling, which will stop Trump from firing Federal Reserve Governor Lisa D. Cook—the latest victim of the president’s ongoing retribution campaign.
Despite the fact that Trump has repeatedly declared an end to his self-inflicted war against Iran, the two countries seemingly can’t stop and won’t stop strikes against each other—which means it’s back to the drawing board with peace talks, and gas prices are once again on the rise. (I’m really getting tired of writing and rewriting this story, so I think I’m just going to cut and paste this the next time it comes up in the news, which should be… [checks watch]… say, 3 pm tomorrow?)
A record-breaking heat wave continues in Europe, with 1,300 reported deaths so far, while a new study concludes (as you may have guessed) that this long-running heat dome would never have been possible without climate change. The study also determined that this type of heatwave was 200 times more likely to occur than it was only 20 years ago, and the current heat emergency is the worst in the region’s recorded history. Meanwhile, citizens in the central U.S. and east coast are bracing for an extended heatwave of their own, with temperatures reaching 100 in many areas which, because of hot windy conditions, are also leading to wildfires in the Southwest portion of the country.
The upcoming nuptials and reception for Taylor Swift and her beefy beau, Travis Kelce, appear to be on time and on target for this coming weekend. According to NBC News, roughly 1,100 lucky people (who have been instructed to sign non-disclosure agreements) have been invited to what might be a reception this Friday at Madison Square Garden. It’s unclear when or where the couple might hold their official ceremony—all I know is that my invitation must have gotten lost in the mail. (Saaaaad trombone.)
And finally… it’s Monday! Which means it’s time to show off your “Outfit of the Day.” (But before you do, you might want to check and make sure the runway is clear.)
