THE MERCURY: 5th GRADER APPROVED!

TO THE EDITOR: Just read your March 10th issue and, like, you dudes rock! That “Faces of Meth” is, like, hilarious–hope that keeps running every week [“New Column!” March 10]. And that dude that got his face chewed off by the chimp–dude–I was laughing so hard I fell off my chair, and that BTK killer dude–what’s funnier than serial killers [“One Day at a Time,” March 10]? Like, I’m only 12, but when I get to high school I’m gonna be a hipster. You dudes are awesome!!!!

Jimmy Hastings, Grade 5

SAVING THE BEST FOR FIRST

DEAR MERCURY: The cover art by Gerard DuBois on your March 3 issue is fucking outstanding. –One of the best covers ever, and you’ve had so many. –They always make me laugh in amazement or, like the current one, just crumble in recognition. — Thanks for all this and thanks for running “Troubletown,” which is also first rate. Please do an article on how covers are chosen. And interview Lloyd Dangle!

James Von Sigrist

I HATE YOU, BLECKY YUCKERELLA!

TO THE EDITOR: “Blecky Yuckerella” is the worst comic I have ever seen [“Laugh While You Can,” page 59]. I faithfully look every week for a shred of humor, and every week I am sorely disappointed. It’s just a fucking poop comic–all it ever talks about is poop, and not in a funny way. The main punch line is something along the lines of “I got poop on my hand.” That’s NOT funny–it’s fucking worthless. The rest of your comics amuse me on a regular basis, and “Maakies” is hilarious. But fuck that Blecky shit.

Joshua G.

JOHNNY RYAN (BLECKY‘S ARTIST) RESPONDS: You asked for it, you got it, Joshy!! Coming this spring from FANTAGRAPHICS BOOKS, it’s the collected “BLECKY YUCKERELLA“!! This book is the first collection of Johnny Ryan’s weekly comic strip, “Blecky Yuckerella,” as seen in the pages of the Mercury, Vice magazine, and elsewhere. Not for the easily offended! 104 Pages. Only $11.95!!

I HAVE A LOT TO SAY

TO THE MERCURY: Your last issue had to be the most vacuous, pretentious, self-conscious, inane, and dull heap of dogshit I have ever read [“You’re a Music Snob!” Music Issue, March 10]. Not only did Zac Pennington and Co. show their complete lack of understanding of so many different kinds of music–wait a minute, EVERY FORM OF MUSIC–they also showed their complete lack of wit, charm, or any sort of soul. You guys are lame. Your magazine is lame… [EDITOR’S NOTE: Justin spends the next 200 words repeating how lame we are, so let’s skip down a bit, shall we?] I want a forum for discussion, analysis, and satire. Unfortunately, you guys are dumbasses who obviously have no clue what’s going on and… [ED’S NOTE: Another 100 words on how we’re sell-outs… moving on.] But what happened? Oh, YOU REALIZED YOU HAD ABSOLUTELY NO UNDERSTANDING OF ART and then, instead of attempting to gain one, you seek to glorify your own pathetic lack of any human emotional capacity that would give you the visceral understanding of what makes the music of Sun Ra, John Coltrane, Ornette Coleman… [ED’S NOTE: Another 100 words on the importance of “art” and “enlightenment.” Skipping…] You are pathetic. I can’t ever read your paper again. When so much energy is put into something so obviously retarded, I can’t go on believing the emperor’s wearing any clothes. Feel a draft, Mercury? It’s the inside of your brain.

Justin Mitchell

PLUG IN, OR GET OUT!

TO THE EDITOR: Was this a joke [“You’re a Music Snob!” March 10]? I tear up this town searching for good gigs. I’m an aging dino with a leather jacket. And, sorry, I call bullshit. When you write something about a band you’ve probably never heard, why not just shut the hell up? Stooges rock, MC5 rock, and yes, I’m attending the Bob Dylan gig–for the value of his legacy. Maybe some of your staff should pick up an electric guitar attached to a Marshall stack, instead of slashing our most coveted art form, music, with your mighty ink. Okay… now I feel better.

Pork

GET READY TO FEEL EVEN BETTER, PORK, because you’ve won the Mercury “Letter of the Week!” Enjoy your Laurelhurst movie tickets along with two free passes to see Bobby Bare Jr. at Dante’s on April 29. For those about to rock, we salute you!