THE SILVERCHAIR DEFENSE

DEAR PORTLAND MERCURY—Generally, you guys are sarcastic
little asses but manage to be funny at the same time. I can generally
get with that. After reading your review of the band Silverchair [Up
& Coming, July 19], I felt all wrong inside, and really, I blame
you. They are an original band that left the “mock grunge” days behind
a long fucking time ago.

A Pissed-Off Preschool Teacher

FIVE SIMPLE PATTERNS

DEAR MERCURY—In the review of Zach’s Shack [“Harry Potter
Loves Hot Dogs,” Last Supper, July 19] Harry Potter, Year Seven (AKA
Paul DeGeorge) includes the pleasures of playing Ms. Pac-Man. It’s
based on knowing patterns; if you have memorized the five patterns you
can get a high score, simple as your pie hole. Expense a copy of 1982’s
Mastering Pac-Man (99 cents at Goodwill—several area locations)
and get “rad” at Ground Kontrol, but don’t waste my time in a food
review with your inability to remember five patterns while eating a
wiener. Keep your taste in your mouth, poseur nerdlinger.

Zak Zaxon

HARRY POTTER: SPOILED!

[In last week’s issue, we printed a “spoiler” of the new Harry Potter book [“Snape Kills Hermione!” New Column, July 19].
Carefully crafted by our Potter-obsessed editorial staff, we
figured TRUE Potter fans would easily recognize the hidden clues
that would expose this “spoiler” as a fake. As usual, we were wrong.
Here are a handful of the responses we received. A small
handful.—eds.]

DEAR MERCURY—Do you even know your readership? Nerds and
geeks read the Portland Mercury! Part of the joy I experience
from reading Harry Potter is from the magical suspense that I
encounter with each page that is turned. I’m all for freedom of speech,
but there was no freedom involved on your cover this week. I will never
again read the Mercury.

Kimberly Allara

DEAR MERCURY—Thanks a lot, you magnificent pieces of
CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Scott

DEAR MERCURY—It’s Friday, July 20, the day before the last
Harry Potter book is released. Honestly, I’ve been looking
forward to this for months. I sit down at a table at Hot Lips just now,
and thumb through the Portland Mercury that has been left open
there. Why??!! I’m so angry right now.

ER

DEAR MERCURY—I really hope that whole “Snape Kills
Hermione” headline is one of your little jokes. In this crappy world,
it’s nice to take a break from the shit in the news. I was already on
the path to not being able to stand your idiot content—the only thing
worthwhile anymore in your rag is the I, Anonymous (sometimes) and One
Day at a Time. I realize you could probably care less if yet another
person hates your paper—I suppose your indifference makes you feel
cooler. P.S. If it IS a joke, never mind.

Nisha Tisha

TO THE MERCURY VIA VOICEMAIL—Okay, I think it’s really
really really really really really really really not cool that you guys
put your big stupid spoiler on the very front cover of your stupid
little newspaper. And then your little thingy that says “Warning:
Spoilers ahead!” right by the little page after you put your big
spoiler on the cover, is just really not cool, and it’s robbing a whole
bunch of fans of, like… what’s going to happen. And you should be
sued in some way, because it is really not cool. Um, so, thank you for,
like, spoiling my life. A-holes.

Anonymous

DEAR MERCURY—You motherfuckers! I was so mad when I
saw you leaked a page of the new Harry Potter book in your
publication last week! I was fucking pissed… then I realized that I
am a 22-year-old man who was planning to wait around with 500 children
at midnight on a Friday night to get a kid’s book. Oh Portland
Mercury, what have I become?

Ryan Whyte

CONGRATULATIONS TO RYAN for his cathartic emotional breakthrough.
We’re always happy to help our readers bridge that difficult gap
between childhood and adulthood. For sharing, you get two tickets to
the Laurelhurst Theater and lunch at No Fish! Go Fish! where anything
spoiled goes out with the trash.