MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 3 Here’s an idea: Let’s rename Labor Day,
“Sneaky Sneak-Around Day.” (But still take the time off.) Celebs and
politicians have realized that if you want to announce something
embarrassing or hide something from the general public, you do it
right in the middle of a three-day weekend. The hope is that
you’re too busy frying in the sun and cramming hot dogs down your
gullet to notice anything happening in the news—and they’re
right! When we returned from our mini-vacation, we were slapped in the
face with the news that Hollyweird power couple Heath Ledger and
Michelle Williams had moved to Splitsville, as well
asnot-so-powerful couple Jenna Fischer (who plays “Pam” on TV’s
The Office) and hubby James Gunn (a writer best known for
his work on the Troma films, and the big-screen adaptation of
Scooby-Doo). Oh, and then there was President Bush, who
decided to surprise everyone by taking a short break from his permanent
vacation to sneak into Iraq and get some work done. (See? When
we don’t work, he works! It’s like Superman’s “Bizarro World.”) As it
turns out, Bush and cronies are petrified about a pivotal report card
on Iraq, due to be released next week, and are desperately searching
for support from the beleaguered country’s political leaders, as
well as proof that the situation isn’t a complete clusterfuck.
Which, of course, it is. However, he will never admit it… unless it’s
on a three-day weekend. Can you pass the sunscreen?

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 4 If making embarrassing announcements on
three-day weekends is the new way of slipping past a gossip-starved
nation, then selling a celebrity’s embarrassing belongings on
eBay is the new way of punishing them. Back in late August when
Atlanta Falcons quarterback/dog-fighting pimp Michael Vick made
his public apology, he accidentally left his notes on the
podium—which were quickly snaked by a representative of the
Humane Society. Apparently, the apology wasn’t quite enough, because
the Humane Society then put the notes up for sale on eBay, with
the intention of raising money for abused animals. Vick’s talking
points were written on hotel stationary, which included the following
reminders: “(1) Apologize for what I’ve done. (2) Apologize
Commissioner, [coach, team], ashamed, disappointed. (3) Young kids, I
acted immature. (4) Forgiveness & understanding. (5) Take full
responsibility for my actions. (6) We all make mistakes. I’ve made
mistakes in judgment. Dogs have suffered.” Oh, yeah… and
“dogs have suffered.” Don’t forget that part. Unfortunately, that’s
exactly what he did. According to Wayne Pacelle of the Humane
Society, “The biggest apology of all was left unspoken—to the
dogs who suffered and died so horribly at his hand.” [It’s currently
unknown who purchased the speech, but we figure it was probably
Britney Spears, who bought it “just in case.”]

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 5 Former Republican Tennessee senator
and TV star Fred Thompson announced his intention to run for
president on this evening’s episode of The Tonight Show
with Jay Leno—instead of calling one of those annoying
press conferences where annoying reporters always ask you really tough
annoying questions. His first promise if he’s elected? Put up one of
those blinking “Applause” signs in the White House pressroom.
MEANWHILE… The nerd world had a geek
freakout today when Apple announced they had dropped
the price of the much-ballyhooed iPhone by $200. While many
were ecstatic about the news, the geeks who stood in line for hours and
paid $500 to be the first ones to fondle the toy were none too pleased,
polluting the blogosphere with vitrioliccomments about the web-based phone and the company. However, when Apple CEO
Steve Jobs promised to refund original iPhone owners $100
for their trouble, the geeks responded, “Ohhhh… in that case, we
shall now return to counting down the days until Halo 3 and
fondling our vinyl 12-inch Battlestar Galactica action
figures.”

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 6 Two sad announcements polluted the news
today: Much beloved operatic tenor Luciano Pavarotti died today
of pancreatic cancer, at the age of 71. His voice will be missed.
Secondly, and definitely more alarming, Brad Pitt is losing
his good looks! Pitt, who inexplicably turned 43 while no one was
looking, has admitted to Details magazine that age is turning
him ugly. “[As you get older], your face kind of goes. Your
body’s not quite working the same. But you earned it. You earned that,
things falling apart.” Well, then. It’s a good thing you dumped the
sweet, but horse-faced Jennifer Aniston when you did,
because…c’mon. WHO’S GOING TO WANT YOU NOW? Instead of being a
genetically perfect example of hunky manhood, now you’re just another
toothless grandpa, desperately trying to drum up conversations
at the bus stop, shuffling down the street, and shitting your pants.
(However, when Angelina eventually dumps you, we’ll still
consider divorcing hubby Kip. You bring the Metamucil, we’ll
bring the Matlock DVDs.)

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 7 Today Barack Obama came to
Portland. Yes. WE KNOW. It was a big deal. Oh, how he
spoke! So poised! So witty! So good-hearted! It almost made one glimpse
a glimmer of hope for this country! It almost scrubbed away the shame
one currently feels to be an American! It almost made us hopeful that
someday, somehow, Obama could make everything better. Almost.
(Kind of like how Bush is almost a human being.)

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 8 Got a pedicure, read magazines.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 9 Okay. Britney? It’s time for
another chat. Have a seat, sweetie. Look at us, dear. We need you to
FOCUS ON WHAT WE’RE SAYING, OKAY? This is done. This whole “pop
superstar” thing? It’s just not happening anymore. Your
“comeback performance” in Las Vegas on MTV’s Video Music Awards?
Well, we both know it didn’t quite go as planned. First: those
thighs? You aren’t 18 anymore, dear. You’re a mother of two, and
even though you’re a mother of two with one hell of a personal trainer
and/or plastic surgeon… well, you see where we’re going with this,
right? Second: that lip-syncing? C’mon, honey. You can do better
than that. We’ve seen you do better than that! You were looking
like Ashlee Simpson out there, and that’s just… well. Moving on.
Third: those dead eyes? What was it, sweetie? Percocet?
Xanax? Valium? Oh, no, dear—we’re not saying to
quit! All of those drugs are wonderful! But generally speaking, a
fistful of pills aren’t advised minutes before a big “comeback
performance.” There’s a time and a place. Fourth: the wheezing.
Those five packs a day haven’t been great for your dance moves, have
they? You should have gotten some slower backup dancers. Maybe some
quadriplegics? And finally: the flashing. Getting out of
your limo at the Bellagio afterward, and once again letting the world
see your vaheena? Well, to be honest, that was probably the most
successful part of the evening! Oh, Brit! Don’t cry. We know you tried!
But sweetie? Sometimes we just have to take our lot in life and make
the best of if. Accept it. And realize that maybe mistreating
two ugly kids and sucking down nicotine and hitting paparazzi cars with
umbrellas and showing strangers one’s vaheena is, for some
people—ahem—all that life might have to offer. And
we don’t mean to bring him up like this, sweetie, but… well, just
look at Kevin. He kind of figured it all out, didn’t he?
Consider this your “PopoZao” moment. It’ll get better, sweetie. It
will. Okay? Okay. Now give us a hug.