MONDAY, FEBRUARY 18 We can’t speak for the rest
of you, but having Britney Spears in parental
lockdown really, really SUCKS. As regular readers of One Day
already know, the courts have granted conservatorship to Brit’s
hillbilly pop Jamie Spears, who, as it turns out, is totes
strict. She’s unable to purchase any drugs or booze without his
prior approval, or sneak off to Mexico for a quickie marriage (or
divorce.) Apparently the only thing Jamie Spears isn’t controlling in
Britney’s life is her choice of underpants—OR THE LACK
THEREOF—since she was photographed once again this week stepping
out of a car with her vag flapping in the breeze. (Yes…
ruminate on that image for a moment. Good. Let’s continue.) Anyway,
according to OK! magazine, Brit is in full-blown suffer mode
thanks to her overbearing dad who has banned her from drinking liquor
and seeing her friends, while insisting “that she prays in her
pajamas every night.” (Let’s assume she’s praying for a pajama ban
as well. After all, her vag is used to a LOT more oxygen. Again, let’s
meditate on that image.) MEANWHILE… It feels like eons since
Lindsay Lohan has done anything career-wreck worthy, but today’s
nudie magazine spread in which she duplicated Marilyn
Monroe’s last photo shoot was indeed a doozie! The Marilyn shoot
(photographed in 1962 only weeks before her death) was recreated by
original photog Bert Stern, who dressed Lohan in a blonde whore
wig, while neglecting to cover up LiLo’s scabies (oh, fine… you can
call them “freckles” if you wish). But have you seen these photos?
THEY’RE HORRID. Marilyn was 36 when the originals were taken,
and 21-year-old Lindsay looks like Monroe’s 64-year-old aunt after
falling asleep under a tanning lamp. (And excuse us, but where was
Britney when this photo shoot was offered up? Not only is Brit
blonde and on the verge of suicide, her vag is at least as flappy as
Marilyn’s… if not flappier. And no, we’re NOT done with that joke…
not by a longshot.)

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 19 An 81-year-old Fidel Castro has
stepped down as Cuba’s president for the last century, citing
acute illness and a flappy vag. (Told you we weren’t done.)
MEANWHILE… The president of the United States, George
Bush (remember him?) received the distressing news today that his
approval rating has sunk to an abysmal 19
percent—the lowest in modern history. To put this in
perspective, our Britney “flappy vag” joke has a current approval rate
of 28 percent… and falling. MEANWHILE… The dreamy Obama
juggernaut continues to roll on after scoring a 10th straight
victory today in the Democratic primaries. Upon securing both Wisconsin
and Hawaii, the devilishly handsome Barack Obama has placed the
shrewish and flappy Hillary Clinton in the uncomfortable
position of needing to win both Texas and Ohio early next
month—and in a resounding fashion—if she intends on
remaining a serious contender. (Note: It is not our intention to
insinuate that Hillary has a “flappy vag.” We were speaking
solely in regard to her voting record on the subject of Iraq.)

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 20 In pregnant celebrity news, the
unflappable Jessica Alba just learned today that she
will be giving birth to twins. When Hubby Kip heard the
news he responded, “That’s weird… I’ve been staring at her twins
for years.” In a related story, Hubby Kip is now sleeping on a
couch in the garage, where he keeps a spare set of clothes and a
mini-fridge filled with Dr. Pepper. MEANWHILE… Law enforcement
sources told TMZ today that the LAPD has launched a formal
investigation to investigate charges that former managerish-person
“Sinister” Sam Lutfi had been drugging Britney Spears during his time with her. Lutfi, who currently has a restraining
order barring him from any contact with Spears, has been accused by
Brit’s mom of grinding up drugs in the pop tart’s food in order
to keep her docile and complacent. Meanwhile, Brit’s pop is making her
wear pajamas and pray—but hey! At least he’s not using drugs!

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 21 Dear everyone who attended Punk’d host Ashton Kutcher’s 30th birthday party: You’ve been PUNK’D
with Hepatitis A! New York health officials delivered some
rather distressing news to Hollyweird’s A-list today after announcing
that they may have been exposed to Hep A at Kutcher’s birthday bash at
the Socialista bar in Manhattan’s West Village. Apparently an employee
there has been diagnosed with the viral infection of the liver, and has
indirectly exposed stars such as Madonna, Gwyneth
Paltrow, Ivanka Trump, Liv Tyler, Catherine
Keener, Lucy Liu, and Salma Hayek. Everyone in
attendance has been advised to get the Hep A vaccination shot, and rush
to the hospital if they experience any of the following symptoms:
weakness, lack of appetite, abdominal pain, nausea, jaundice, or
any other symptom one may feel while in the general vicinity of Ashton
Kutcher.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 22 It’s one thing to have your life
dependent on the whims of a father forcing you to wear pajamas and
pray… but kowtowing to Kevin Federline as well? Such is
the predicament for Britney Spears, who for the past two months
has been denied visitation rights to her two children, Jayden
James and Sean Preston. But today K-Fed, the children’s
custodian, agreed to let Britney visit their kids. “Hooray!”
two-year-old Sean Preston exclaimed. “Now we can stop eating Cheetos
and Monster energy drink at every meal, and tag along with Mom on
one of her rambling, flappy vag exploits!” Good luck, kids. Good
luck. MEANWHILE… Today J.Lo gave birth to twins, a boy
and a girl. “That’s weird,” Kip exclaimed. “I’ve been looking at
J.Lo’s twins for years, and… oh crap.” Kip then sighed loudly,
turned off his Xbox, and walked wordlessly to the garage. Atta boy,
Kip.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 23 ATTENTION EVERYONE! Jennifer Aniston has
frozen her eggs! After being abandoned by Brad Pitt for the
immensely more attractive (and less equine) Angelina Jolie, the
former Friends star has put her eggs on ice until she can trick
someone into marrying her. “She’s giving herself a big break from the
intense pressure to find Mr. Right and have kids,” a source told
Star. In a related story, today David Schwimmer,
alone in his studio apartment, sadly and quietly celebrated his fourth
year of unintentional celibacy.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 24 We don’t do it often, dear readers, but
this week we must offer an Official One Day at a Time
Retraction™. Last week—following the news of “comedian”
George Lopez endorsing Barack Obama, Chelsea
Clinton being “pimped out” for her mom’s campaign, and the lead
singer of Boston pouting about Mike Huckabee using
Boston’s song “More Than a Feeling”—we declared, “At long last,
Election 2008 has jumped the shark.” Unfortunately, we spoke too
soon: Today, five-time presidential candidate Ralph Nader announced his entry into the race, promising an independent for those
who don’t wish to vote for actual presidential candidates. “I don’t
know what he’s up to, other than seeking attention,” an annoyed
Hillary Clinton said. Barack Obama chimed in, too,
calling Nader a “perennial presidential candidate,” and pointing out,
“He thought there was no difference between Al Gore and
George Bush, and eight years later, I think people realize that
Ralph did not know what he was talking about.” “I do too know what I’m
talking about!” Nader haughtily shot back. “Entirely too many Americans
feel the need to throw their vote away. I’m here for them. My
fellow Americans, I promise that my laughably ill-advised campaign
will be the butt of countless jokes and well-deserved resentment. Once
again, we can make a mockery out of yet another incredibly important
election!” MEANWHILE… Republican candidate John
McCain heartily welcomed Nader to the race.