To cap off the year, this week we’re printing the best letters to
the editor of 2008, a retrospective of the wit, wisdom, and, occasional
ire of the Mercury‘s closest readers. Here’s to a brand-new year
of the provocation/response feedback loop. We’ll see you on the other
side.—Eds.
COOL WRAP
DEAR MERCURY—I wanted to say thanks for making the
Portland Mercury excellent wrapping paper for those of us who
are poor, or don’t see the point of paying for something when it is
provided for free every Thursday in boxes spread around the city. It is
great, and sometimes people think it’s cool that I used a weekly paper
for wrapping their gift instead of wrap-specific goods, which is odd
because I’m not cool.
-Mark Walsh
LINES FOR A LOON
DEAR SIR OR MADAM: In order to show my support for a strong Britney
presence in your publication, I submit this little poem, written while
Ms. Spears was a guest of the UCLA Medical Center:
The former Mrs. Federline
Has lost her tiny little mind
And to the hospital’s confined.
I read about it all online.
Perhaps she just needs to unwind.
Let’s pray her psyche realigns.
One really oughtn’t be unkind.
Celebrity is such a grind.
-Larold
VULVEENA: IT’S THE CHEESIEST
DEAR SIRS, MADAMS, AND KIDS—In Ms. Romano’s column [One Day at
a Time], she consistently misidentifies that which is viewed under the
skirt of a panty-less tinsel-tart as a vaheena; to wit, a vagina. What
she sees, and unfortunately what we see on TMZ, is a vulva. But as she
is a satiric writer, she does need something a bit catchier than vulva.
Please accept my humble suggestion: vulveena.
-Jack Mason
SQUATCH SUCKS
DEAR MERCURY—Let’s get one thing straight, or two,
whatever. (This article offends my learned sensibilities [“Portland
Wants Squatch!” Feature, April 10].) The Sasquatch is NOT SCARY because
it is NOT REAL. Trail cats, as in bobcats you might meet on the trail:
VERY SCARY! A hunter/logger/hippie/surveyor’s worst nightmare EVER is a
cat, because they wait quietly in the trees (where you can’t see them!)
and jump on you from out of nowhere and claw your eyes out and eat your
brains before you can grab your gun!! You folks, er wait, Ezra “Ace,”
needs to get a grip and get out of his condo more often.
-Chloe Lucero
YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE
DEAR MERCURY—Although the public blood sacrifice of
your interns was a bit harsh, it did seem to satisfy the weather gods,
and bring about spring as promised. Let me know if a memorial fund is
being established, I’ll gladly contribute.
-Heat Miser
HURTFUL HIPSTERS
TO THE EDITOR: Why are hipsters such assholes? Are they just deeply
insecure? Is it a case of permanent teen-hood? Please help. God won’t
return my calls.
-Crushed Little Bird
WE’RE ON VACATION!
In order to recharge our batteries, the Mercury is taking
next week off, and we’ll return with a brand-new issue on JANUARY
8! Oh, stop crying. You have all the entertainment listings you need
(two weeks’ worth!) in this issue, and besides, you’ll be able to read
us every goddamn day on Blogtown.
Now if you’ll excuse us, we’re going to climb into a bottle of alcohol,
and say “nighty-night.”