To the douchebag who stole my fuzzy little magnetic cow off the gas
tank on my motorcycle last week: I hope karma skull-fucks you and
your grandparents. I hope you wake up missing a leg, or with
your car missing all its tires. Keep your drunk fucking mitts off other
people’s shit. Why you felt it was okay to take something off someone’s
motorcycle baffles me. I guess there were no old people to mug that
night, or children to take candy from? I hope someone steals your
shit, the important stuff that cannot be replaced. If you have any
decency you will leave the cow at the Press Club! If it is not
returned I would love to shit in your mouth, piss in your ass, and
give you the wounded seagull*! Though I doubt I will ever get the
chance, seeing as you’re a coward—stealing shit off my
motorcycle when no one is around! I hope you die a slow and
painful death… that extends to your family and friends. If you have
kids, I hope it is an extremely painful cancer for them. Know that
you are a useless waste of human flesh. Fuck
you!—Anonymous
*Wounded Seagull: Extreme sexual act in which a man fractures his
partner’s forearm and then forces them to give him a hand job, causing
them to emit a noise like that of a “wounded seagull.”—Ed.
Oh shut up.
Love the new cow magnet on my fridge – thanks buddy!
Another terrible I anonymous…….
Dear guy who got his cow magnet stolen off his motorcycle –
Your an idiot. Even little kids know not to leave shit that can easily be taken lying around. Next time, take the magnet off when you leave you bike. Also, quit your bitching.
Near the hotsprings in Bath, England, is an archaeological site where people would throw rings or coins into the water along with a wish for the deity believed to inhabit the springs. (from around 2000 years ago.) Many of these wishes were for the death and/or dismemberment of people who had stolen things from them. I remember thinking that seemed so primitive and brutal. Nice to know things never change.
If I ever see a fuzzy cow magnet on a motorcycle gas tank, hell, any fuzzy magnet on a motorcycle gas tank, I’m stealin that shit just because you are such an asshole.
There is a name for breaking your partner’s arm and then forcing them to give you a hand job?!?!?!? Like that happens enough to name it????
I’ve read the Mercury for years and I’m no prude. I fondly remember the days where it was suggested that your interns go take a nap in the rape room. Good fun!
But this was the most disgusting, disturbing, I, Anonymous ever. The “wounded seagull” is going to give me nightmares. The whiny bitch should be taken out back and shot like the dog he is. Have some standards.
Oh Kendra, shut up.
Within the next month, someone’s going to start a band named “Wounded Seagulls”.
Dude, don’t have a cow. We can get u an udder one.
Ouch! My arm really hurts now… Oh wait, I was supposed to break HER arm!
I once had an orange Beavers foam football boosted off my Aerostar’s antenna. I still hurt, since the ornament had added small touch o’ kitschy class to my otherwise déclassé cargo van.
Wow…talk about blowing things out of proportion.
To anger management class with you, post haste!
Grow the hell up.
You’re the one throwing a dammed baby fit…maybe YOUR grandparents should get skull-fucked. I wish whiners like you would wake up missing legs. I wish YOUR motorcycle (and c’mon, we all know you ride a scooter, you liar) would have it’s wheels stolen.
I am so sick of whiny-ass pieces of shits like you.
Life happens. Get over it and grow the fuck up.
Let me guess: the letter writer is one of the douche bags who tricked out his bike with such added enhancements as a loud pipes and custom chrome, in addition to the furry cow magnet, so he could be the quasi-ironic bad ass riding around town. Consider this theft a small price you have to pay for being such a stereotypical asshat.
needs more cow magnet
What kind of a pussy wishes cancer on ones family members over a fucking magnet? Has to be an only child.
I thought this was hilarious, and made even more so by all the hypersensitive douches who missed the none-too-subtle irony of the overreaction, and are suggesting he or she needs therapy. I am not an only child, nor do I need anger management training, but I have been known to tell my husband that I hope he contracts lupus upon discovering that he’s drunk the last of the OJ.
Your worthless hate speech has disturbed me for weeks. What an emotionally stunted vindictive little prick you seem to be. If this is how you handle the theft of a trinket you’ve got a miserable life ahead of you. Check your perspective fool! And Mercury, check your editors, what a waste of space.
“Your an idiot”
i love when this happens. probably too much
I hope a drunk driver hits and kills you on your Portland hipster edition motorcycle
and if you don’t want something stolen try locking it up….