Anonymous

There is a new exploitation out there called “pet rent.” All I want is to live in a nice house for a normal-ass price, and take care of that shit like I own it while I’m saving enough money to one day actually own something like it. Maybe you’ve owned this dream so long you’ve […]

I am 43 years old and childless by choice. I like kids. I just don’t want to raise one. However, I’d like to think that if I did have kids, and I was bicycling with them, and I chose to do it on the sidewalk, I’d teach them to slow down when they approach a […]

Look, I know when I park out on Sauvie Island at one of the “clothing optional” entry points, I’ll see some stuff that I won’t really want to see (like the Porky Pig gentlemen who wear shirts and hiking boots, but no pants). It’s the sacrifice I make a few times a year so my […]

To the three people who yelled, “Hey, catch!” and threw an unopened penis pump our way: My buddy and I thought it was hilarious. We were right next to Sheridans, so it’s possible you may have come straight from Taboo? Either way, it was truly a nice gesture, dear fellows. The following night, when my […]

To the man who berated me in a PSU bathroom for not washing my hands after taking a piss: The intense level of anger you demonstrated while repeatedly shouting, “Wash your hands! That is fucking disgusting! You touched your PENIS!” caught me too off guard to do much more than laugh and call you a […]

Dude, only a guy would chuck his spent condoms out a bedroom window. I get it. You have abandonment issues. Here’s what’s up though: Our cat likes to bring them into our home. He appears to be quite proud of his finds, and he seems to ALWAYS include your entire load as well. A few […]

I cannot believe what I hear out of the mouths of Portlanders and Oregonians. I understand people pick different words, have altered dialect and intonations, but to lose tense altogether? I saw a package in my shipping department labeled, “This box needs shipped,” so I scribbled over it, “This box needs TO BE shipped.” It’s […]

I was still on the other side of the parking lot when you reached the door of the convenience store. Observing my close-to-imminent approach, you decided that instead of just going in, you would stand outside of the store and stare at me until I crossed the lot so that you could hold the door […]

Jeez, ladies, I’ve seen no improvement at all. Ever notice the six-billion-dollar porn industry, the abundance of prostitutes, and the strip clubs all over trying to compensate for your lack of crotch knowledge? The sexual revolution was in the ’70s and you’ve consistently made it harder to gain vaginal access since then. Why so tough […]

Tall bike? Check. Standard-issue obnoxious tall bike-riding outfit? Check. Blaring music? Check. Dildo strapped to your forehead? Check. Have we all seen it before? Of course. I will be the first to acknowledge that full-time attention whoring must indeed be quite the chore. It must be nigh on impossible to catch the eye of the […]

One night last summer at about 1 am, a group of you woke me up with a loud argument about where you’d parked your car after Last Thursday. You were a few houses down by the time I began following you, and I remained hidden for at least 20 minutes as you bickered and stumbled […]