Anonymous

Are you anywhere in the height bracket of 5’2″ to 5’8″? Are you 175 pounds or less? You are? Well, great! Time to shut the fuck up about “how hard and annoying” it is to find jeans that fit. Forever 21, Buffalo Exchange, Crossroads, Red Light, really just “the mall” in general is your oyster. […]

For months I’d been getting ready, as my savings slowly drained away, unable to find work, unable to find meaning in this empty, vapid country. We’re going to die someday anyway, right? I had three Oxys and six morphine pills, surely enough to do the job. When the day finally came, I spent hours walking […]

I don’t belong to this gym because I’m trying to save the Earth. I belong to it because it’s two blocks from my apartment. And for the most part, the people with whom I share the gym don’t bother me. But some of you fuckers— come on. First there was the woman who insisted on […]

Night after night you park on the wrong side of the street, facing the wrong direction, forcing me to do either (1) the same, parking in front of your hipster Craigslist shanker, or (2) park down the street. Neither seem reasonable since you have a driveway, and a fucking clue… somewhat. So, on to the […]

I walk on my two feet one step at a time about three to five miles a day. I often walk along bus routes where middle and high school students wait for the bus—the bus that will carry them maybe a mile to school. I have walked by students waiting for the bus, then when […]

I’m all about whatever relationships people feel comfortable with, be it same sex, polyamory, monogamy, whatev—get your strange on. What I take issue with is the attitude against people who want a traditional commitment, in particular women. We advise each other, “you don’t want to drive them away” and “don’t push it too fast too […]

I said “fuck you” to a disabled person yesterday. This woman was on one of those “disability scooter” things, getting on a bus. The bus driver put down the ramp and for some reason, instead of going in forward, the woman decided she had to go in backward. So she goes backward off-course and hits […]

Recently, I noticed an ad in the back of the Mercury soliciting applications for writers. In the brief description of the publication, there was mention of it being “one of the most innovative” weeklies in the country. Seriously? What’s so innovative about the use of words like “fuck” and “pussy,” the same tired images of […]

Hi, lady friend—I do not like you in the way you like me. You’re creeping me out, and that’s why I haven’t called you or returned your text messages or late-night emails. Frankly, you’ve been crossing the line for a while, and I’ve only tolerated it because you’re trying really hard in life. With all […]

I subscribe to a car-sharing company. Yesterday after I parked and was gathering my stuff, I did the usual reach under the seat. I pulled out one of those clear plastic Christmas candy cane tubes, the kind usually filled with crappy generic M&Ms—nasty candy. So here I am, just after twilight, pulling this out into […]

About your mom: We shared drinks during karaoke at the Alibi one afternoon. She kept knocking knees with me, and all I could think about was the steam blowing out your ears once you found out. We (you and I) were good friends years ago but you dropped out, and most of our mutual friends […]

I had you over to my hotel room to jerk it and watch some adult entertainment. I’m married, happily, but when on the road I find it fun to enjoy the company of another man while pleasuring myself. So, we email. Then we text. Then you blow up my phone with probably 30 texts within […]