Credit: Illustration by Kalah Allen

To the man who berated me in a PSU bathroom for not washing my hands after taking a piss: The intense level of anger you demonstrated while repeatedly shouting, “Wash your hands! That is fucking disgusting! You touched your PENIS!” caught me too off guard to do much more than laugh and call you a fucking nut. And while I stand by my assessment, I do wish I had said more.You were right. I did touch my penis. But, thanks to auto-flush urinals that’s all I touched. My penis is the cleanest. I wager that more germs can be found on that bathroom’s sink handles than on the skin o’ my dick. Public poopers use those handles! But enough about my habits—what about you? Do you scrub your hands every time after you touch your dick? If one of your sausage fingers accidentally brushes your junk while changing clothes, is it a race to the soap? Do you allow your penis to be touched by others only if there is a sanitation station nearby? If you answered “no” to the above questions, then quit holding strangers’ bathroom habits to a higher standard than you hold yourself to.—Anonymous

4 replies on “I, Anonymous”

  1. Word! I wash my hands BEFORE I touch my penis.
    My dick is a shining pillar of cleanliness.
    The rest of the world? Not so much.

  2. Isn’t piss supposed to be sterile? I think all this hand washing stems from Christian upbringing and the shame that they associate with touching private parts.

  3. ah- i am the same way with my lady parts- i know she is way cleaner than a public bathroom! I use my shirt to open and close bathroom doors, a paper toel to turn on the faucet, I always hover- usually sink areas are gross and unkept anyways. Yuk.

  4. I am not anonymous my name is MIKE NEESON, and I think you are all total pussies.
    This section of the Mercury would be much more entertaining if people would just grow a set, and let the person whom has offended them HAVE IT. Tell them your real name and where you live and settle the problem face to face.

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