Anonymous

Have you ever wondered why there are such long lines at movie theaters? Yes, part of it is due to the holidays and opening weekends, but most of it is due to unprepared, dumbass, lazy patrons. (1) Have your payment, coupons, loyalty card, etc., out while you are waiting in line. The people behind you […]

I don’t know what kind of boyfriends you’ve had in the past, but your approach to sex was the biggest turn-off ever. It doesn’t matter that you were a “10” in almost all other aspects, because mentally you made it almost impossible to get excited about you. We’re adults, we fuck. We don’t have “sexy […]

Dear Portland: Stop this motherfucking mustache and bacon Band-Aid bullshit, please! I am about to crawl into your hot pink mustache panties and take a bacon-scented doo-doo. You have gotten lazy. You have become a predictable cliché. You have become the uncle who insists, “Pull my finger!” It’s not funny anymore. It was funny for […]

I didn’t break up with you because of the reasons I stated. I was just too embarrassed to tell you the truth, so I made up some stupid reason and stuck with it. I wanted to tell you, but I know how petty I would sound: You are completely obsessed with your fucking dog. You […]

Do you people know what it took to get to where I am today? I’m the boss now, and apparently people don’t like it. Do I care? Not really. Listen up folks, I put in my time, I did what I had to do, I FUCKING compromised myself in more ways than one to rise […]

My wife doesn’t know that I watch you, and my kids don’t know. Nobody knows. I watch you from my window at night, and I’ve been doing so for almost a year now. There’s only one window between our two apartment buildings, and I discovered it the very first week we moved in. You are […]

Listen, I appreciate the gesture. I really do. But every year I end up with a ton of “homemade” gifts. And I fucking can’t stand them. Any knitted scarves or hats, I won’t wear. They look dumb; you only wear them because they look dumb and “homey.” Also I would rather not eat jellies and […]

Dear intoxicated guy who tried to get in my car: I’m really sorry for almost causing you bodily harm. I pulled up to the red light and saw you sitting at the bus stop. I saw you get up but assumed the bus was about to come… but then… you tried to open my (luckily […]

I’m a slightly chubby, awkward girl with an obsession.  I have a thing for you—and your big, soft hands that are so skilled at working on your classic car—and I walk the streets at night over to your neighborhood just to see if your bedroom light is on. On one such occasion, emboldened by the still and quiet night, I […]