Dear Portland: Stop this motherfucking mustache and bacon Band-Aid bullshit, please! I am about to crawl into your hot pink mustache panties and take a bacon-scented doo-doo. You have gotten lazy. You have become a predictable cliché. You have become the uncle who insists, “Pull my finger!” It’s not funny anymore. It was funny for one hour of one day, maybe. But now it’s boring and annoying. Keeping Portland weird has become synonymous with conformity. I challenge you to actually be weird. What does it mean? You would ask for a recipe. It means stop copying the answers off your neighbor’s paper and just be your fucking self. If you are willing to be real and not “pretend-weird” like all y’all are so into, maybe you’ll consider trading in your fixie for a dolphin-powered jet ski that you can use to carpool up and down the Willamette. Or maybe you will take that salted-chocolate-deer-flavored gelato and insert it in your tattooed/gauged asshole. Just stop acting like you’re so crazy because you have a vegetable tattoo. How about you tattoo Regis’ face over your face?—Anonymous
I, Anonymous
A Suggested Resolution
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This has been the farewell address of Mayor Sam Adams. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.
Huzzah!
What if you just really really like bacon? Because if liking bacon is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.
Here here!
Aww, cute! Look everyone! The ranty 22-year-old “non-conformist” thinks she’s people!
“How about you tattoo Regis’ face over your face?”
WIN.
This makes no sense. The mania for mustaches and bacon-related stuff are examples of mainstream trends in most cities. Getting tattoos is a huge thing, internationally, including getting regrettable and/or extremely common types of tattoos. It’s hard to think of a bigger mainstream trend in the last decade. What makes you think any of this is about Portland or trying to be “weird”? It’s become predictable? Yeah, what do you expect from things that are widespread or from trend-followers who are into something because everyone else is? “Keep Portland weird” originated as a campaign to encourage people to patronize locally owned businesses. It has no actual connection to what you’re talking about.
Also, there are genuinely strange, weird, and crazy people here, like everywhere. They give approximately zero shits what you think of them.
hey geyser,
the “genuinely strange, weird, and crazy people here”, who “give approximately zero shits what you think of them”, are referred to by the DSM IV as schizophrenic.
Awww, look at all the self-righteous vegans that voted my meat comment down.
Your bike tires are made of petroleum. SO THERE.
hey greige,
Good point. Round them all up and put them in padded cells. They’re harshing my mellow. I’m wearing a DaKine wetsuit with Oakley wraparounds right now. That’s not “weird” or anything, is it?
The mustache thing is more or less a meme and whilst stupid and annoying it is not confined to here. There is not really anything weird about Portland when you get down to it much to the dismay of hordes of tools who moved here expecting just that. And I like bacon, damn it! Tattoos? Yeah there are a lot here, some great, some stupid. Whatever. If you need to try that hard to stand out, there must not be much substance to you. (NB go to the Pearl on fri/sat night. Equally horrific and funny. And no, they are not all “from beaverton and Gresham” some of you tools are involved in this charade as well)
@geyser
overreact much?
no it just sounds like you’re about to go skiing…
and that you look like a schizophrenic ass. please stay on your meds.
Dude, chillax. Are you into Widespread Panic at all? Shiiiiiit, bro.