Credit: Illustration by Kalah Allen

Listen, I appreciate the gesture. I really do. But every year I end up with a ton of “homemade” gifts. And I fucking can’t stand them. Any knitted scarves or hats, I won’t wear. They look dumb; you only wear them because they look dumb and “homey.” Also I would rather not eat jellies and other preserves made in your kitchen. I know you, and you are a slob. And you can keep your infused boozes for yourself. I have enough of a headache pretending to be excited when you give me this crap. Because when you give them to me I have to create this entire story of liking them or why I’m not wearing them. This crap is forcing me to lie. So unless you can whip up a copy of Black Ops or a sweet digital camera or something, go ahead and just wish me a happy holidays. Save us both the trouble.—Anonymous

11 replies on “I, Anonymous”

  1. It’s about STUFF. Not showing people how much you appreciate them! FUCK those “nice people” – I want to slaughter dudes in an obscenely high-def virtual environment!

  3. Poor widdle hipster cunt! How old are you, 5? You whine for a digital camera or a shitty video game from your friends when you should just stop being passive aggressive and tell them you don’t want their food. Grow a pair of fuzzys and go buy a camera or shitty video game for yourself, unless your too broke and living in your parents basement because that blog thing didn’t work out.

  5. How about saying, “Mom and Dad; I really want a copy of Black Ops.” Sheesh man they love you I’m sure they would rather give you something you will like. /sarcasm

    How about appreciating someone doing something nice for you??? Give the knit items to a charity and tell the nice people who gave them to you that you have too many so you found someone who could use it more than you. Quit being a D-bag already.

  6. You don’t seem to understand Kerry. He plays first-person shooter games, therefore, he’s a D-bag. And most likely a racist, misogynist, homophobe as well.

  7. I find it funny that someone would be able to figure out that someone is probably a racist, misogynist, homophobe by mentioning a video game in IA. Judge much? You are the douchebag. I don’t even play video games..but that type of quick to put people in a category is a pretty fucking sad showing of your depth. Oh and first person shooters make you a douchebag..but then what does a mean growling dog avatar mean?The TapOut shirt of avatars. And the IA poster is just saying something everyone thinks..he or she is right….90% of homemade gets you get are useless.

  8. No shit, right? People shouldn’t give handmade gifts to unappreciative assholes like this dude! Lord knows I wouldn’t spend two seconds to grunt “happy holidays” in his general direction, let alone spend valuable time lovingly crafting anything from my bare hands for him. My bowels have something for you, dude, so Happy Holidays!

  11. @ mercury staff:

    i know you all just had your party and everything, and everybody’s all happy and headachy, but now it’s time to get back to work and publish the most recent I,A column online, no?

    throw some water on your face and d-up.

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