Credit: Illustration by Kalah Allen

Night after night you park on the wrong side of the street, facing the wrong direction, forcing me to do either (1) the same, parking in front of your hipster Craigslist shanker, or (2) park down the street. Neither seem reasonable since you have a driveway, and a fucking clue… somewhat. So, on to the local crows. Lately, they’ve been waking the neighborhood up at 6:45 am, sharp. A little after 7 am is when you usually realize that there is a huge crow attraction on the roof of your asshole-mobile. I laugh and watch as you attempt to frighten away the madness that a few simple stale chunks of bread has created. Meanwhile the crow scratch marks on your farty painted Mini Cooper roof are completely out of control. Yet, through all this, you don’t get it. Park. In. Front. Of. Your. Own. Place. Do this. Please. I promise I’ll stop being such a crummy bummer.—Anonymous

5 replies on “I, Anonymous”

  1. You are BOTH typical, passive/aggressive, immature, Portlandian cry babies.

    Here’s an idea for you. Instead of destroying this persons property [which, for some reason you seem jealous of]. How about you go and have an adult conversation? A conversation in which you politely ask them to please park in their own driveway OR in front of their own place.

    Now, how hard would that be?

    I swear Portlandians are so full of hate, well at least YOU are.

  2. If the car is parked on the street, than the problem is entirely yours, you passive aggressive twat! It’s open for everyone, including your neighbors, fellow Portlanders, even you and me.
    And, who cares which direction people are parked in?
    Why don’t you park in your own driveway and find something real to bitch about? If maybe, you don’t have your own driveway and this is all do to an amateur scene of jealousy, then you should use “hipster Craigslist” to find yourself a better place hopefully far away from Portland. Try Seattle, it might suit you.

  4. Wow, if you haven’t yet figured out that in Portland, cars can and will be parked ass backwards and every which way, move the fuck out of here.

  5. More of that stellar passive/aggro that Portland is world famous for.

    I fucking swear, I sometimes wonder if ANYONE in the town has any balls!

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