MONDAY, JULY 6 The Michael Jackson feeding frenzy continues… sooo,
might as well take a nibble. If last week was all about clumsy
condolences for the King of Pop, this week the media coverage has taken
a… shall we say, “macabre” turn. HEADLINE! “Coroner Still Has
Michael Jackson’s Brain.” According to the AP, Jackson’s brain has
been separated from his body, and is in the calloused hands of
investigators until the true cause of death can be determined.
While it’s assumed that the brain will eventually rejoin the body
before its burial, at least one unnamed source hopes it will be
implanted in the 32-foot Jackson statue constructed for the
HIStory world tour, which will come to life, and destroy the
city of Tokyo. (Fine—the “unnamed source” is Hubby Kip.)
HEADLINE! “Jackson’s Body Stored in Motown Boss’ Crypt.” After a
week of the media desperately scrambling to locate the whereabouts of
Jackson’s corpse, the New York Post reports the body is
currently located in the crypt owned by Motown Records Chief Berry
Gordy, who originally discovered the Jackson 5, and freaks us out
because—c’mon—dude owns a crypt. HEADLINE! “Jackson
Patriarch Fears ‘Foul Play’ in Michael Jackson Death.” “Yes. I do
believe it was foul play,” Michael’s pop Joe Jackson told ABC News,
before quickly adding, “Wait… are you talking about how I raised
Michael, or his drug use? Both? Okay, then ‘yes’ on one, ‘no’ on two.”
HEADLINE! “Michael Jackson Took More Than 10 Xanax Pills a
Night.” And by “more than 10” they mean at one point “30-40.”
According to CNN, a 2004 report from the Santa Barbara County Sheriff’s
Department reveals interviews with Jackson’s former security guards who
allege Jackson’s daily use of Xanax was around 10 pills per day… BUT,
“Jackson was doing better because he was down from 30 to 40 Xanax pills
a night,” one guard stated. Forget the crypts and brainless
bodies—if that report is true, Jackson has been “the walking
dead” for years.

TUESDAY, JULY 7 Considering all the hoopla surrounding Michael
Jackson’s death (and life), his memorial service held today
at LA’s Staples Center should’ve been the tawdriest spectacle since
that time in a Thailand bar when we saw a stripper shooting ping pong
balls out of her… well, decorum prevents us from saying “pussy.”
However, as it turned out, Jackson’s service turned out to be largely
sweet and respectful… save the bizarre occurrence of former MJ
pal Corey Feldman (The Goonies, License to Drive)
showing up to the memorial—um—dressed like Michael. Wearing
a military jacket, fedora, sunglasses, and curly strands of hair
hanging down in his face (à la Jackson during his
Dangerous years), Feldman dabbed tears from his eyes as the
memorial progressed. But the most appropriate observation came from
Us magazine who reported, “John Mayer gave (Feldman) a
puzzled look.” This is from a guy who has seen Jennifer
Aniston naked—so he knows a thing or two about
“puzzling.”

WEDNESDAY, JULY 8 Pretty soon it won’t be out of the
question to stage another memorial—for the career of
Lindsay Lohan! Poor Lindsay shot herself in the foot again after
turning down a key role in the breakout comedy hit of the
summer, The Hangover. Apparently Lindsay’s agent had
secured her an audition for the role of stripper Jade—however,
Lindsay declared that the screenplay had “no potential.” (Cue depressed
trombone sound effect.) Bwah-bwah-bwaaaaaaah! The role
eventually went to Heather Graham, who everyone would rather see
topless anyway. MEANWHILE… Well, if Linds loses her movie
career, she can always fall back on her fake suntan spray business, right? WRONG! Today it was reported that Florida scientist
Jennifer Sunday is claiming that Lindsay and her business
partner stole the formula for their bronzer Sevin
Nyne—named after LiLo’s now unlucky number. Sunday is suing
the pair for theft of trade secrets, civil conspiracy, deceptive and
unfair business practices, and many more accusations too boring to
mention. But don’t worry folks! Lindsay has Twattered her
innocence, claiming, “No formula was stolen for Sevin Nyne! It’s a
woman looking for a payday. That’s it!” (Lawyers across the nation are
currently arguing whether or not Twats will hold up in court.)

THURSDAY, JULY 9 We know you’re dreadfully concerned about the
status of Michael Jackson’s dermatologist’s sperm… so
here you go. Claims that Jackson’s dermatologist is the true father of
Paris and Prince Jackson have been dominating the tabs, leaving
Dr. Arnold Klein little choice but to visit as many talk shows
as possible. As to the accusation that it was his sperm and not
Jackson’s that impregnated ex-wife Debbie Rowe, Klein forcefully
and unequivocally replied, “To the best of my knowledge, I am not the
father.” However, he also forcefully and unequivocally added that he
did donate his seed to a sperm bank… sooo, who knows? Thanks
to Dr. Klein for his candor, and remember: If you’re looking for skin
care services in the greater Los Angeles area, call Dr.
Klein—your “full-service” dermatologist. (Wink! Wink!)

FRIDAY, JULY 10 You know that Megan Fox trollop no one can
stop drooling over? (And by “no one,” we mean Hubby Kip?) Well,
the secret’s out about how she got her “acting” job in
Transformers: Her “audition” consisted of washing director
Michael Bay‘s Ferrari while Bay filmed her. “She said she didn’t
know what had happened to the footage,” Jason Solomons of The
Guardian writes. “When I put it to Bay himself, he looked suitably
abashed—’Er, I don’t know where it is either.'” Yeah,
right. Well, Mikey, you might want to find it, because Hubby Kip is
driving over to your place as we type this. He may or may not be
armed.

SATURDAY, JULY 11 Oh, Tom Potter! Long, long ago, Portland’s
tubby, grumpy mayor served a single term, during which he accomplished
absolutely nothing aside from taking daily naps, suckling on
Werther’s candies, and wasting everyone’s time. Until today, that
is! Today, Ol’ Mr. Pott-Pott bribed one of his grandchildren into
teaching him how to use “the Facebook on the world wide webs,” and
after spending a frustrating 48 minutes attempting to (A) become
Facebook friends with Andy Rooney, and (B) post heartfelt
condolences in a months-old Bea Arthur memorial forum, he then
decided to dis Portland’s current mayor, Sam Adams. “It’s time
for Portlanders to stand up and be counted regarding the recall of Sam
Adams,” Ol’ Potty angrily wrote for his Facebook status update.
(Aww. It’s so cute to see earnest bluehairs getting
involved in misguided political movements—it’s as if they
actually believe they can make a difference!) Alas, Potter’s updates
then began to ramble a bit. For example: “Portlanders need to stand up
and do something about those baggy pants kids love these
days!!!1!” read one update, while another chastised Portlanders to
“Switch off your Walkman-pods and stand up against that horrible
hippy-hop music!!” By 4:33 pm, Potter’s Facebook page regressed to a
single, desperate plea: “Please come over and change the channel on my
computer,” it read. “It’s so cold, I’m alone, and it’s nearly time for
my Lawrence Welk program.”

SUNDAY, JULY 12 Breaking news! Jennifer Aniston is still
depressing! After getting dumped by Brad Pitt, John
Mayer, Ross Geller, and god knows who else, today the
equine-visaged actress was “devastated” after getting the heave-ho from
The Hangover star Bradley Cooper. Aniston was “left
reeling when she discovered Bradley had been on a date with actress
Renée Zellweger,” Showbizspy.com gushed, while the
National Enquirer revealed, “Jennifer was devastated when
Bradley told reporters in Paris that she was ‘just a friend.’“
Now, we don’t usually feel bad for Jen—after all, she can always
take a quick trot around a sun-dappled field to raise her
spirits—but damn. Your boyfriend cheats on you with the
fish-faced Zellweger, and then tells everyone in France you’re
“just a friend”? Jen, you take that run in that sun-dappled field! Jump
over a shrub! Gallop like the wind. (And straight to the glue
factory.)