After Grindhouse tanked, it was pretty logical to think that Robert Rodriguez’s planned feature-length expansion of Machete—one of Grindhouse‘s fake trailers—wasn’t gonna happen.

But hot damn! It sounds like the project’s still on, with Entertainment Weekly (via AICN) reporting that the greatest cast of all time has been lined up for the film: Lindsay Lohan, Don Johnson, Cheech Marin, Steven Seagal, Jessica Alba, and Robert De Niro have all supposedly signed on, and the film, naturally, will star the mega-badass Danny Trejo as Machete.

When I wake up lonely and cold in the middle of the night, knowing that I’ll die alone and that no one will ever love me, this is the sort of news that I make up and repeatedly mutter to myself in order to make myself feel better. The fact that this shit is real? IT’S LIKE A MAGICAL GODDAMN DREAM. With machetes.

https://youtube.com/watch?v=W8cCzltPD6Y%26hl%3Den%26fs%3D1%26rel%3D0

With honor and distinction, Erik Henriksen served as the executive editor of the Portland Mercury from 2004 to 2020. He can now be found at henriksenactual.com.

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