One Day at a Time

MONDAY, AUGUST 17 Hollyweird manicurists are working
overtime this week, sharpening the claws of two of Tinselturd’s biggest
stars—because there’s gonna be a cougar fight, y’all!
Oh yeah! Cou-gar fight! Cou-gar fight! Okay,
fine—so maybe Renée Zellweger and Jennifer
Aniston aren’t clawing each other’s eyes out yet… but a girl can
dream, can’t she? According to Us magazine, Jennifer is still
hoof-stamping mad about “butter face” Renée stealing her
stallion, The Hangover‘s Bradley Cooper. “She
honestly feels screwed over,” says one of Jen’s lippy pals, adding that
the former Friends star honestly “doesn’t see what
Renée has that she doesn’t.” For once, Jen? We
wholeheartedly agree! It is nearly inconceivable that Bradley would
prefer someone with a face that resembles a mismanaged Mrs. Potato Head
over your own. We mean, it’s not like Renée is as beautiful as
Angelina Jolie, right? Or as poised as, say, Angelina
Jolie. And if you’re going to have your man stolen by someone, then
at least make it someone as genetically perfect as Angelina
Jolie, wouldn’t you agree? But to have Bradley ripped from your
grasp by a skinny, bird-faced hag that doesn’t even come close to the
stunning allure of Angelina Jolie? That really has to
smart.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 18 You know Hollyweird is going downhill fast when
its celebs are incapable of making a decent sex tape. As
reported last week in One Day, a sexy home video featuring Grey’s
Anatomy star Eric Dane, his wife Rebecca Gayheart,
and a dethroned Miss United States Teen, Kari Ann Peniche, was
ejaculated onto the Internet. Unfortunately, while the threesome sat
around naked making up porn names for themselves (Rebecca = Nina, Kari
= Fifi, and Dane = “Cocaine Manor”?), according to Dane’s lawyer,
nothing even remotely sexy happened! “Although the participants
are nude,” says legal eagle Marty Singer, “the tape is not a
‘sex tape.’ It is a private tape made for only my clients’ personal
use.” Okay, fine—it was for their own personal boredom, and not
for our Hubby Kip to watch on his iPhone for 20 minutes in the
bathroom. (But just so you know? Kip was extremely disappointed.) MEANWHILE… As you’ve undoubtedly heard,
conservative screwballs have been disrupting town hall meetings
across the nation in an attempt to derail the discussion about
overhauling the nation’s broken health care system. However, a
few of these crackpots got a well-deserved tongue lashing tonight in
Massachusetts from our fave gay representative, Barney Frank.
After shouting down the shouters, Frank went toe-to-toe with one
disgruntled dingbat who compared the new plan to Nazism and
Obama to Hitler, leading Frank to ask her, “On what
planet do you spend most of your time?” BURN! The wackjob’s second
attempt to make her hateful point was also shut down by Frank, who told
her, “Trying to have a conversation with you would be like trying to
argue with a dining room table. I have no interest in doing it.” DOUBLE
BURN! (Note to everyone in the world: No more making comparisons to
Hitler, unless you’re talking about [a] Hitler, or [b] Renée
Zellweger.)

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 19 Earlier this month, a helicopter collided
with a small private plane over the Hudson River, killing nine
people. Today we learned what the air traffic controller in
charge was doing at the time of the accident: making jokes about
barbecuing a cat. According to the transcript taken inside the air
traffic control center in New Jersey’s Teterboro Airport, the
controller was on the phone with a female employee making jokes
about what to do with a dead cat located in the airport property room.
“We got plenty of gas in the grill?” the controller asked. “Fire up
the cat.” The National Transportation Safety Board said the unfunny
banter continued until one second before the crash, when the controller
presumably figured out what was going on. Seconds later, nine people
were dead. And even though this controller’s actions were despicable,
we staunchly refuse to compare him to Hitler. (However,
Göring and Chris Brown are still on the table.)

THURSDAY, AUGUST 20 Hey everybody! Hitler stole Lindsay Lohan’s
cell phone! Okay, so maybe it wasn’t Hitler, per se… however, a
New York deli employee did refuse to return Lindsay’s cell phone
that she had left behind until he could check a security tape to make
sure it was hers. And that’s kind of Hitler-esque, right? Naturally,
LiLo was so upset by this slight that she threw a fit and called the
police. We mean, what else was she supposed to do? Besides, didn’t
the deli worker know who Lindsay was? According to TMZ.com, “The deli worker had no idea who
Lohan was.” Ohhhhh!! Isn’t that just so… HITLER!

FRIDAY, AUGUST 21 So, speaking of Hitler… Brad Pitt, the
dreamy star of Quentin Tarantino‘s WWII flick Inglourious
Basterds, has some choice words for another Nazi film! “It was a
ridiculous movie,” Pitt reportedly told a German magazine about
Valkyrie, the WWII film starring Scientology poster boy Tom
Cruise. We’re not sure how Cruise reacted to the dis, but we did
track down Scientology’s supreme commander for comment. “Balderdash!”
bellowed Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII. “As if the star of
Seven Years in Tibet and Legends of the Fall is in any
position to call anything ‘ridiculous’! More like… like… Seven
Million Years in Tibet! Because it was so long, you see! Or…
ah… Legends of the I’m Fall-ing Asleep! Because hello!
Bo-ring!” After several deep inhalations though his chest-gills,
Klaktu regained his composure. “I apologize,” he said, unclenching his
tentacles and stroking his pet Denobulan ooze-ferret. “It’s just
so frustrating to hear this ‘Brad’ human giving Tom lip. I mean, Tom
worked really hard on Valkyrie! He had to wear an eye-patch and
everything! Ah, well—when our gargantuan planet-destroyer, The
L. Ron, enters Earth’s orbit in chrono-year 2014, all nonbelievers
will be vaporized, so it makes little difference.” UPDATE! “Brad
has never seen Valkyrie, so this is not accurate,” Pitt’s
manager has told Us. When informed of this development, Emperor
Klaktu softened a bit. “Well… okay,” he grumbled. “Fine. But
also—and really, I don’t mean to harp on this—but Meet
Joe Black? Come on! More like… Meet Joe… Meet
Joe… ah, yes! Meet Joe 40 Minutes Too Long! Ka-ZING!
Right? Am I right? Well? Am I?”

SATURDAY, AUGUST 22 “These evildoers will be caught,” promises
Michael Lohan! Furious over a recent burglary at the mansion of
his daughter, Lindsay, Michael is taking justice into his own
hands. “I am coming into town to work with private investigators in
order to gather evidence which will be turned over to LAPD,” Lohan
insisted this weekend, no doubt in his best Batman voice. While it
might be difficult, dears, please: Do not tell Michael Lohan that he
is not Charles Bronson. What we’re now witnessing is,
quite possibly, our best chance for Michael Lohan to convince himself
he’s a vigilante, promptly get in over his head, and probably be shot.
Don’t mess this up, people.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 23 We don’t “feel bad” for celebs, because they (a)
live in mansions, (b) make not-sex tapes with former teen beauty
queens, and (c) are BFFs with intergalactic warlords. But just this
once, we’ll make an exception: Jerry O’Connell and Gary
Sinise were at a recent Los Angeles Dodgers game when
Sinise—as ludicrous as it might sound—was recognized!
Dodgers fans started heckling Sinise, referring to him as his character
from Forrest Gump, Lieutenant Dan. In a valiant display
of bromance, O’Connell stood up for his beleaguered friend. “I had to
go up to the cheap seats and tell these guys to stop yelling
‘Lieutenant Dan!'” bragged O’Connell. “They sort of obliged a little
bit… [Then] I get back to my seat and all they kept yelling was,
‘Hey, it’s the fat kid from Stand by Me!'” Cue sad trombone noise, and also cue Sinise and O’Connell splitting an
awkward cab ride home, both of them staring out their windows, silent
and sad.