Support Smart, Local Journalism
Make a Small Monthly Donation

Posted inHoroscopes

The Faults in Our Stars (August 2026)

The only horoscopes column in the universe.

Congratulations, fellow 2026 survivors! We’ve made it to Leo season—a time also known as Madonna’s birthday (all hail Confessions II)—and to late summer, when questions like “Do you want another beer?” and “What’s the water level at Rooster?” tend to be replaced by “Do you smell smoke?” or “Is that my house burning down?” As […]

Posted inHoroscopes

The Faults in Our Stars (July 2026)

The only horoscope column in the universe.

Happy Solar Return, America—you’re 250 years young, but you don’t look a day past 1950. Unfortunately, Mercury is in Gatorade until July 23, making communication fraught with misunderstandings, misgivings, and electrolytes. You might notice strange side-eye from your neighbors as you raise the Blue Lives Matter flag, or cheerful conversations about our nation’s proud heritage […]

Posted inQueer Issue 2026

The Faults in Our Stars (June 2026)

The only horoscopes column in the universe.

Happy Pride, Portland! I know, I know—technically we celebrate Pride in July, unlike the rest of the country, because we like to keep Portland “weird” (à la Austin, Texas), and we’re still too hip to follow trends like celebrating annual occasions at the correct time. The legendary Stonewall Riots, in which Martha P. Washington and […]

Posted inHoroscopes

The Faults in Our Stars (May 2026)

The only horoscope column in the universe.

What follows is one of the many articles in the Mercury‘s 2026 Music Issue. Find a print copy here, subscribe to get a copy mailed to you here, and if you’re feeling generous and want to keep these types of articles coming, support us here.—eds. Good news, Ozians! After the breakaway success of my humble astrology column led to […]

Posted inThe Faults In Our Stars

The Faults in Our Stars

The only horoscope column in the universe. (April 2026)

[What follows is one of the many articles in the Mercury‘s 2026 Transportation issue. Find a print copy here, subscribe to get a copy mailed to you here, and if you’re feeling generous and want to keep these types of articles coming, support us here.—eds.] Great news, everyone! The breakout success of my humble astrology […]

Posted inHoroscopes

The Faults in Our Stars

The only horoscope column in the universe.

“Like sands through the hourglass, these are the stars of our lives…”—Nostradamus Ours is an unprecedented time in astrological studies. Astrologers are setting themselves on fire in the streets. Conjunction-junctions are appearing with functions unseen since the fall of the Berlin Wall, the Civil War, French Revolution, and the (First) American Revolution. Saturn’s move into […]

Gift this article