Pumpkin Spice Days are here again! Yet our cares and troubles remain—arguably worse and more unmanageable than ever—but at least they’re bundled up in cute little Uggs. And with Venus entering Scorpio after the Autumn Equinox, this can only mean one thing: My new book of satirical (astrological?) theatre pieces, Lamp Back: Plays and Other Grievances, is now available from Northwestern University Press! Actress and chanteuse Jinkx Monsoon calls it “heartbreaking” in her cover blurb and the New York Times Book Review declares Lamp Back to be [INSERT HERE WHEN EVENTUALLY AVAILABLE].
Lamp Back: Plays and Other Grievances is full of warm memories—drink tickets, undiagnosed neurodivergence and mental illness, trauma, and excessively early retirement—but as an untrained clown turned untrained astrologer, it also signifies money, namely for Pop Mart blind boxes. Every 2,000 copies sold generates .02 cents towards something cute that I’ll throw in a cabinet and never see again. (Act now and I’ll include an influential cazimi in next month’s forecast!) But you didn’t come here to read about my book—no, you’re here to read about yourself (Leo!). So, more importantly than Lamp Back: Plays and Other Grievances, let’s gaze at what the stars have in store for you, personally:
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Congratulations, Aries! You finally achieved something: You wrote Lamp Back: Plays and Other Grievances from Northwestern University Press. More studious signs thought you’d never focus and finish—and the joke’s on them! This is a collection of writing from throughout the years, before your self-obsession executive function consumed itself. So you can smile and pat yourself on the back for presenting work you made aeons ago—when you had hope and capacity—as an exciting new achievement. Suck on that, burnout!
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
As the brash Bull of the Zodiac, you live a very bullfight-adjacent life: You’re compelling, disturbing, ornate and beautiful, and typically end up dead on a sword due to your uncontrollable, unintelligible rage. That same rage has left you illiterate, meaning that, unfortunately, Lamp Back: Plays and Other Grievances from Northwestern University Press may almost be past your access level. But don’t worry, there’s plenty of color pictures to look at and get mad about for no reason, like you do.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You’re a master of communication, and have long dreamt of telling your story—of being heard, of writing something worth sharing. Something that needs to be said. A tale that needs to be told. A book—no, a text—no, a tome, to improve the world and change your life in the process, announcing “I, Gemini, have arrived! See my life, hear my story, and at long last, come to know my name! The great work begins!” Well, it’s too bad you’re so flaky and can’t self-motivate for shit. Did you write Lamp Back: Plays and Other Grievances from Northwestern University Press? Nuh-uh. Go fuck yourself, Gemini. (Buy my book?)
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
No.*
Leo (July 23-August 22)
You’re a luminary, Leo: You light up every room you enter, leaving no passive onlookers where you appear. And since you have 22,000 followers on Instagram, maybe you wanna shine some light on Lamp Back: Plays and Other Grievances from Northwestern University Press? Or better yet—step in here with me, and shine a light on this: Look, it’s your very own sound booth, to record my audiobook! There’s even an air vent for you. Oh no, the door locked! And it won’t open until you’ve read and shared the book with all your followers?! Wow, thanks Leo. You’re so pretty.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Goddamnit, Virgo, I know you have an incredibly specific system for everything you go about, but it doesn’t make any damn sense. And can you stop dog-earing the pages and use a goddamn bookmark for a change? I mean, I’m shocked you even coughed up the dough to purchase Lamp Back: Plays and Other Grievances from Northwestern University Press. It’s an academic printing, and you’re a cheap asshole. But that doesn’t mean you can just do whatever you want with—oh god, don’t bend a book on its spine like that, you monster!
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Beauty and a just outlook are matters of the heart for the Scales, and have I got something beautiful for you: Lamp Back: Plays and Other Grievances from Northwestern University Press! Just look at that handsome autistic man on the well-designed cover. He’s half clown, and that must be so difficult—it’s so nice of them to give him a chance. Doesn’t that just pull on your ethical heartstrings? You should write a glowing review on Yelp Facebook FetLife Goodreads. After all, you Libras are socially-inclined people pleasers, right? Please help me.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
You’re the essence of sexy—if this was The Dark Crystal, those sly lil’ Skekses would suck your husk dry for all its mojo. But you know what’s nearly as sexy as Scorpio? Reading! Just ask Scorpio legend Laura Bush, better known as “Mrs. 9/11” in some circles, who famously ran a national reading program to make up for her husband’s catastrophic (but undeniably charming) illiteracy. You’ll never guess what you should read first—and no, it isn’t Inside Job by 9/11 truther Marion Cotillard!
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Sagittarius, that’s not a business plan, that’s a nude selfie. Now, it may not be partying, twerking, or achieving a maenad-like ecstatic state via Irish Car Bombs and reenacting the film Obsession with an unsuspecting Uber driver named Dylan, but, if you want to move ahead in the world, perhaps you should try reading something for a change. May I suggest Lamp Back: Plays and Other Grievances from Northwestern University Press? 9 out of 10 Sagittariuses say, “Hey, who the fuck moved my coke and put this book here?!”
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
You’re a prolific workaholic and nothing gets past your cold, calm, unforgiving eye. So please, whatever you do, don’t let me know about any typos you might find when reading Lamp Back: Plays and Other Grievances from Northwestern University Press. We went through 10,000 proofs. I can’t look at these pages anymore! I no longer know how to read! Can anyone see me? Oh, and Capricorn, there was also something about “beware the Hunter’s Moon on October 26th.” I can’t remember what or why. My head’s still spinning from these proofs!
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
As the inhuman robot compassionate thinker of the signs, you’re always concerned with the greater good, maximizing community building and mutual aid, and advancing social progress. You won’t find any of that in Lamp Back: Plays and Other Grievances from Northwestern University Press, but you will find a song about butts and a reference to Sylvia Plath-brand Easy Bake Ovens. Um. Can I interest you in Maya Angelou instead?
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Pisces, you’re an oddball. You’re inspiring, dreamy, eccentric, open-minded, weird, and exactly the target audience for Lamp Back: Plays and Other Grievances from Northwestern University Press. It’s a book of obscure local plays that can only be performed by a dead clown, and the first paragraph features 700 footnotes. If that’s not designed exclusively for Pisces’ enjoyment—or for everyone on the spectrum, because let’s be real, Pisces—I don’t know what is!
*You know one of the best parts of formerly working for Elon Musk’s DOGE program? That I can cross-reference a list of American citizens’ birth signs against pre-orders for Lamp Back: Plays and Other Grievances by Northwestern University Press, and it turns out you, Cancer, have failed to order my book. And we all know the time-honored adage: No sales for me, no horoscope for you.
Anthony Hudson is a Grand Ronde and Siletz artist, writer, and former clown. And in case it hasn’t been mentioned, his first book, Lamp Back: Plays and Other Grievances—collecting nearly a decade of Carla Rossi performances and more—is available now from Northwestern University Press.