Ah, to be home for the holidays. Unfortunately, I am home, and that just happens to be here in Portland. I know: “What a crock,” as Jennifer Tilly says in Bride of Chucky, which is, it must be said, not a Christmas film. It’s technically a killer puppet film. Know what else isn’t a Christmas film? This column. Because it’s a “holiday” column. Technically, it’s also a horoscope column, but I was recently—and crudely—threatened by the liberal elites behind the Portland Mercury (if that IS its real name?!) to write a “holiday” horoscope column. Not a Christmas horoscope column, rightly blesséd by the Holy Lamb of God, Christ Jesus. Apparently that sort of thing doesn’t “sell” free papers!
So, here I go, stepping blindly into the terrifying unknown and honoring my Satanic publishing overlords: Ahem. Turkey Day. Hana—um, Chanukah. Kwanzaa. Uhhhhh. Nondenominational gender non-specific holiday event. Boxing Day? Please bear with me, I’m from Salem. Other cultures are valid. Um. Holidays are important for social and cultural purposes, and—and at the very least sometimes they also mean days off for the rest of us?
I did it! Now everyone feels included, like JK Rowling at the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival. But more importantly than that, let’s gaze at what the stars have in store for you, personally:
Aries (March 21-April 19)
You’re a baby, and that’s always very endearing and cute—trust us, everyone agrees—but don’t you think you’ve outgrown a Christmas list? Is it appropriate, in middle age, to circle portable gaming systems and Hatch-A-Dinos in Fred Meyer’s toy catalogue and leave it under your adult husband’s pillow? At least your requests are eclectic and not always predictable: Star Fox for Switch 2, Pee Me Elmo, Beavis and Butt-Head compression socks, and an oversized Alien Queen Ovipostor egg-laying dildo? How many Christmas trees can boast the bounty waiting under yours?
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
We’re headed toward a New Year, and that means a chance at a New You. Since the Bull can be pretty set in its ways, I’ve gone ahead and kindly prepared a list of potential New Year’s resolutions for you: Stop it, quit it, don’t, no, and shut up! Or—sorry, I got my papers confused. What I meant was: Try something new. Imagine another person’s perspective, or even their feelings. Have… fun? Wait! What did I say?! Where are you going?!
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Oh no. It’s time for a holiday toast, and we all know what that means: there goes Gemini, raising their glass and banging a spoon, and now they’re talking, and talking, and talking, and talking, and talking, and talking, and talking, and—fake tear? No, fighting a sneeze—and back to talking, and more talking, and oh, there’s a backhanded compliment about Aunt Brenda, and they’re talking again, and oops! Glass down. Walking away mid-toast, now telling Aunt Brenda to go fuck herself. Annnd they’re out. Ah, the Gemini turn—a holiday standard.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
As a scared little crab seeking safety in your shell, the holidays can be an especially fraught and anxious time to navigate. And you’re just so sensitive that this season may be a little too hard for a softie like you, and you don’t handle rejection well, either. Personalities clash. Old wounds flare up. Conversations get uncomfortable. And people buy me—an Aries—the wrong gifts. Um. But not you. I loved the Minions-themed wind sock you got me last year. But you should probably stay home.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
What do you think you’re doing, Leo? Get out of that manger! …Or am I making a mistake? Are you a lawn ornament? Are you a blow mold, and not in the way Countess Luann was in season 9 of The Real Housewives of New York City? Are you our Lord and Savior?! Unless you’re Madonna, the answer is no, so get the hell up and back away from the lawn nativity set that I absolutely did not 100 percent steal from those freaky Latter Day Saints down the road.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
You’ve got an easily-upset stomach and a penchant for IBS, but can you hold it on the dietary restrictions for once? Grandma’s been deep frying that turkey for days (crunchy, just the way she likes it), and now is not the time to share your tryptophan allergy. Or your gluten sensitivity, sodium sensitivity, protein disparity, or dairy disclaimer. Because at the end of the day, no matter which nutrient paste you settle for, we all know the celebration isn’t over until you shit yourself.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
You care a lot, and in the midst of the holidays, you just want to bring people together. Celebrate and share in what matters. Family. Togetherness. Lighting candles and making memories. But you could stand to be a little bit more decisive—rather than choosing to celebrate at yours or your partner’s family home, did you have to go and invite everyone to Mongolian Grill instead? Nothing says hundreds of years of holiday tradition like noodles in a no man’s land.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
You remind me of the song, I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus—but that’s not all Scorpio was doing. You also kissed Krampus, that kinda hot cartoon Adam Sandler in 8 Crazy Nights, Baby New Year, and the Babadook (obviously a holiday demon, since he’s gay, loves a costume, and terrorizes families). Then you took over their souls with eye contact, sheer will, and sex intimidation. Now you, Scorpio—or should I call you Mistress Claus?—get all the presents on Christmas Eve. ALL of them.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
It’s nearly your time, and with that, the Archer is set to declare open season on: pumpkin spice liqueur, hard eggnog, Yule nog, spiced cider, winter ales, RumChata, Bailey’s, peppermint vodka, bourbon cream, carmel vodka, chocolate whiskey, coffee liqueur, Rumple Minze, dental dams, Champagne, and Boone’s Farm’s blue, pink, and yellow flavor wines—in addition to the usual selection of standard party beverages, of course. And for sober Sagittariuses this holiday season: rosé!
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Stop telling everyone it’s your birthday and wait your goddamn turn, goat. It’s still November, and first we have to survive Scorpio’s rain reign of sex terror before Sagittarius kicks off their annual bacchanal. Then you can start micromanaging and delegating your big day by sending all those Calendly scheduling requests, Partiful and EventBrite e-vites, gift registries, Groupon codes, and frantic mass texts demanding karaoke room head counts for 15 different date options. But do you really need a mandatory timeshare pitch after cake?
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
It’s the time of year to give thanks—even if you’re morally and intellectually superior to the simple-minded plebeians you call friends and family. This holiday, try not to kindly(?) point out everything you find failing. Wrapping paper is wasteful and doesn’t make sense, yes, but we humans enjoy shiny surprises. I know you didn’t love your present, but did you have to tell Mom that, even if it was only “constructive feedback?” And no, “This gravy almost tastes like food” is not the compliment you think it is.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Grasp your birthright and establish your own religion this holiday season, Pisces. You’ve got good precedent. Suspected Pisces and sun god Mithras started his cult around the solstice, and we all know Jesus was a Pisces, too (there’s no way in hell that Birkenstock-wearing soft boi was a Capricorn, unlike stick-in-the-mud Yahweh). So profess and practice what you preach: Open your mind! Tune into the collective unconscious! Dissolve your ego! And no more shoes, ever! I would join you, but I don’t wanna do foot stuff in the inner sanctum.
Anthony Hudson is a Grand Ronde and Siletz artist, writer, and former clown. His first book, Lamp Back: Plays and Other Grievances—collecting nearly a decade of Carla Rossi performances and more—is available from Northwestern University Press… and a perfect gift this holiday season.