Ah, September—is there a more exciting time to be alive than late summer, when we don’t know whether our homes will burn down in the latest brush fire or if torrential rains will put out the flames, only to wash said houses away? The lingering liminality of Indian Summer—or Native American Summer, as it was once more ethically (or ethnically?) known, at least until President Trump declared war on DEI over to its distinctly un-American activities. It’s a powerful, transformative time, as is any moment of seasonal change named after a racialized minority, and particularly after passing from the calming influence of Madonna in Leo to anxious nitpicker Virgo—and later into harmonious Libra on September 23.
Astrologically, we’re facing a wake up call (much like those villains in DEI faced) when an overpowering full moon in Aries takes the cosmic stage on September 26. This lunar event represents a culmination around themes of independence versus compromise—which I take to mean that Tom Dundon, owner of the Blazers, will continue fisting Portland elbow-deep for MODA renovation funds he could easily provide himself. Can anyone blame him? He’s a classic spendthrift Virgo, and also a white billionaire hellbent on running both climate and class (and this city) into the ground, so happy belated birthday, Tom! Here’s hoping the eclipse on September 7th didn’t make you shit yourself in front of your loved ones paid staff. But more importantly than that, let’s gaze at what the stars have in store for the rest of you, personally:
Aries (March 21-April 19)
You’re a pillar of your community, and hopefully it’ll take a while until they realize you’re defrauding them. Do you really need a GoFundMe to take your fingerpainting to the next level? Is your rare electricity allergy really only treatable with a crowdfunded trip to Tahiti? And no, we know that money isn’t going toward your “art” supplies, actual needs, or cost of living. It’s going to more amateur wrestling VHS tapes on eBay and an extensive stockpile of Albolene—now there’s the rub.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
I’ve been hard on you, Taurus, but I don’t want any bad blood between us; no, all I want between us is this restraining order, citing 18 pieces of advice ignored over the last year. You countered each with why it can’t or won’t work, and that Claire’s was closed, so you just had to pierce your ear with a safety pin! Well, who’s the one with a frivolous restraining order plus an ear infection and keloid problem now, huh? (Spoiler alert: Also me. Apparently you’re not supposed to pierce your ears with piercing guns at Claire’s. This is all your fault.)
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
After years of violently spreading disinformation working hard to repair my relationship with the Twins, I’m ready to see your good side, so consider this my personal ad: Shy, easily manipulated “astrologer” with poor interpersonal skills and trust issues seeks outgoing, smooth-talking Gemini with secure attachment style. Preference for someone not pretending to be a Nigerian prince (perhaps actual Nigerian prince?). Wait—what? You wanted a forecast instead of a winsome plea to save me from my loneliness? God, you’re so full of yourself, Gemini!
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Cancer, Cancer, Cancer. Are you tired of constantly hearing your name repeated three ominous, judging times in a row, like Candyman, Bloody Mary, or a particularly disobedient, disappointing child? At least when I repeat Candyman or Bloody Mary’s names, they’ll eventually emerge to put me out of my misery—hey, wait a second! You don’t happen to have a haunted mirror you could go live inside, do you?
Leo (July 23-August 22)
You’re the total package: Glamorous, compelling, confident, and decked out with delusion. Remember when you grabbed the mic and regaled us with a 27-minute story about your new Kegel regimen when you were supposed to be toasting the newlyweds? It’s clear you’re putting on a one-person show for a one-person audience, and neither could be more pleased.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
You rely on an exceptionally structured regimen: You know your routine, recipes, and enjoy reliable repetition, but do you have to take so damn long to make a right turn? You don’t need to stop and calculate the aerodynamics. This could be like every turn you’ve ever made before. You don’t need to overthink this one, just keep pressing the gas and turning that wheel. Ack! I swear you Virgos are slowing down all the traffic in this godforsaken city. Just make the damn turn!
Libra (September 23-October 22)
You’re a lover, not a fighter. You love harmony and loathe conflict, to the point that you’ve made indecision your permanent address. But if you stopped sitting on the fence and tried sitting on (um) something else for a change, you might walk away a lot happier—if not with an incriminating new gait.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Ever the Casanova, you’ve got a date coming up! And since we’ve got such a devoted film culture in town, why don’t you take them out to an old favorite? A beloved movie can be a fun and easy way to share something you enjoy and help someone get to know you better, and you’ve got a bevy of options: Fatal Attraction, Basic Instinct, Black Magic Woman, Single White Female, Devil in the Flesh, The Human Centipede, Gigli—the possibilities really are endless!
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
As the “woo girl” of the signs, you’re famous for your joyful spirit, boundless energy, and a deep thirst for knowledge—yes, knowledge. And definitely not whiskey. Or bourbon. Or Jägerbombs. Or Rumple Minze. Or a dimebag, an eightball, a spliff, a sniff, and most certainly not a shart. Because, at the end of the night, all that knowledge simply has to go somewhere. And you can’t help but leave a piece of yourself everywhere you go.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
You’ve accomplished a lot this year, and you should be proud. Look at everything your hard work and determination has transformed: You’ve streamlined productivity and seen a huge increase in workplace morale and profitability thanks to your hard-won efforts. Remember when those naysayers called you an inhuman robot? You really showed them what’s up! Now it’s time to go visit your basement family and celebrate.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
You’re a disruptor, Aquarius, and you’re always keeping us guessing where that independent spirit will take you next. Employee of the Month? Congress? The Nobel Prize? Maybe—but after your latest arrogant infodump that you mistook for a gift to humanity, it’s looking a lot like zip-tied to a seat at the back of an airplane.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Let’s address this month’s issues all at once, shall we? No, Pisces, that wasn’t a divine sign, it was just a license plate you saw; water doesn’t have consciousness, and those are just called ripples; that’s not your other half, it’s a dating cult; your kombucha isn’t sentient, but you might have OCD; that wasn’t a prophetic dream, it was acid indigestion; and no, that’s not stigmata, but I’m pretty sure it’s syphilis.
Anthony Hudson is a Grand Ronde and Siletz artist, writer, and former clown. His first book, Lamp Back: Plays and Other Grievances—collecting nearly a decade of Carla Rossi performances and more—is being published this October by Northwestern University Press.