THERE’S NOTHING GOOD debuting on TV this week, which forces
me to do the unthinkable: write about Stargate. I KNOW,
RIGHT? My booty-tapping stats are diminishing by the second! Even
worse, I know absolutely NOTHING about the Stargate shows—primarily because I have other interests, which include
getting laid and NOT getting beat up. Therefore I’ve decided to bring
in an expert this week: an actual bespectacled nerd and self-proclaimed
Stargate fan (HA!!), who presumably is going to explain the
difference between the old Stargate series and the newest
member of the franchise debuting this week, Stargate
Universe (SYFY, Fri Oct 2, 9 pm). He’ll also explain why I
shouldn’t stick his head in a toilet. Enjoy!
HUMPY: Hello, Nerd.
NERD: I really wish you wouldn’t refer to me as “Nerd”—my
name is Brian, and…
HUMPY: So here’s my first question, Nerd. What the freak is a
“stargate,” and why am I so filled with anger whenever you
mention the word?
NERD: Hmm… okay… well, Stargate was originally a movie
starring Kurt Russell…
HUMPY: WOOOOOOOO!!
NERD: I’m sorry?
HUMPY: Kurt Russell, man!! WOOOOO!!
NERD: Yes… well… he is quite an accomplished actor.
Anyway, these stargates are devices—controlled wormholes of
sorts—left behind by the “Ancients” to facilitate
interstellar travel…
HUMPY: HA! You said “wormhole.”
NERD: Umm… yes… And in the first Stargate series, known
as SG-1, Richard Dean Anderson leads a military group
into the stargate to discover…
HUMPY: Hold on, Nerd! Where’s Kurt Russell?
NERD: He’s not in the series.
HUMPY: That’s… bullshit, Nerd.
NERD: [Long uncomfortable pause.] Uh… yeah… I suppose
you’re right. Anyway…
HUMPY: Richard Dean Anderson… MacGyver, right?
NERD: Yes! Exactly! He was MacGyver!
HUMPY: I freaking hate MacGyver… Nerd.
NERD: [Pause.] You know… I’m really feeling threatened by
you right now.
HUMPY: [Silence.]
NERD: So! About this new series, Stargate Universe…
HUMPY: So is it true that in the original Stargate series,
people had eels in their stomachs and there were “space
vampires” with vaginas on their hands?
NERD: Whu… wow. I really wouldn’t put it that way… but yeah, in
SG-1, there were stomach eels, and in Stargate Atlantis there were aliens called the Wraith who… okay, had feeding
orifices on their hands one could say resembled
vaginas—BUT THEY WERE NOT USED IN SUCH A CRUDE…
HUMPY: Ha! Haaa! The vampires had “handginas”!
NERD: They weren’t hand… I mean, vaginas! They were
biological orifices designed to suck the life force out
of…
HUMPY: And by “life force” you mean “sperm.”
NERD: Absolutely not! It was how the Wraith…
HUMPY: Kind of gives a new meaning to handjobs, huh?
NERD: No! No! No! Look… do you want to learn about the new
Stargate Universe series or not?
HUMPY: Actually, I was hoping you could give me a handjob with your
handgina.
[At this point in the interview, the nerd tried to leave, but I
chased him down, dragged him to a nearby toilet and gave him a
swirlie—but here’s the funny part! As his hair was
swirling around inside the toilet? It looked like a
stargate! Man. Life is cool.]
