After one of the rockiest season-starts imaginable, the Portland Trail Blazers, through incredible perseverance, earn themselves a postseason, the first game of which is at the Phoenix Suns tomorrow, April 14, at 7 PM PST.
First off, and let us say this loud and clear for those in the back, good fucking riddance, Chauncey Billups. The Blazers’ former head coach, an accused rapist whose case was settled out of court, had been betting against the Blazers and being a “face card” in an organized gambling operation. If it were up to Portland and women the world over, Chauncey would be rightfully stripped of every single one of his honors, forced to donate every last penny he owns to Planned Parenthood and abuse victims’ resources.
Stepping in as acting head coach for the entire season after Chauncey’s arrest the morning after the 25/26 season opener, Tiago Splitter has done an incredible job building trust with the Blazers in his current role, getting the boys in postseason shape over the course of a long, injury-ridden season. Splitter gets the Mercury’s vote for becoming the permanent Blazers head man.
Though last night’s Moda Center game against the Sacramento Kings wasn’t the win that secured the Blazers a spot in the NBA Play-In Tournament, the W did elevate the team to the eighth seed position, guaranteeing Rip City two chances to ascend into the actual NBA Playoffs and at least one home postseason homegame.
Moda Center, more full than usual last night, saw a spectacular show of late-season chiseled Portland ballers ready to hoop, taking on the second-to-last Western Conference Sacramento Kings. DJ O.G. One was in top form, and not to put too much emphasis on the music, but the Zers won tip right after O.G. One played Ciara’s “1, 2 Step” featuring Missy Misdemeanor Elliott. Coincidence? Not likely, DC’s for sure a Jazze fan.
Right from the jump the Blazers were in attack mode. The orange finding its way immediately in the hands of our most veteran player Jrue Holiday, the first shot of the last regular season game comes off the hands of the 35-year-old vet, blocked by Kings youngster Nique Clifford. If 17 years in the NBA has taught Holiday anything, it’s how to read and stick with plays. Holiday recovers his blocked three, going body-to-body with Clifford, taking the ball to the rack for the game’s first two, the pace set early.
Donovan Clingan, the Blazers’ biggest Big Man, took notes and sank a three after recovering the Kings first shot attempt at the other end of the court. Deni Avdija, not one to be left out of war genocide-like action, pumps in a three right after Don’s.
Though the Zers and Moda Center know we have a postseason, this is still a wildly important game with the potential of doubling our chances for getting past the play-ins. Sensing the need for a Sixth Man, the boyfriend with one of the biggest personalities, Clingan starts the beheadings early in the first with a massive dunk over Kings (not as big as out Big) Big Man Maxime Raynaud—Moda is up on its feet for every big play for the rest of the game.
Shaedon Sharpe, the young Canadian point guard got a standing-o taking the court for only the second time after a 28-game absence for issues with his left fibula. We’re going to need the 22 year-old’s verticality for tomorrow’s game against the Suns and if we’re going to go all the way with our boyfriends.
Stepping in with Sharpe was boyfriend #1 Matisse Thybulle, immediately making his presence on the floor known, getting handsy with the Kings (it’s O.K., we’re open), taking an outlet pass from Avdija to the rack with a backhanded layup. Swoon.
Starting the second quarter tied 33-33, with Shaedon back on the floor the Kings were acting more like jesters. Mere seconds elapsed in the quarter before Sharpe steals a Kings pass and was fouled on the cushy lay-up. Disrespect to the degree Kings’ point guard Killian Hayes showed Shaedon by putting little effort in chasing him down was only overshadowed by the disrespect of Kings center Dylan Cardwell pushing Sharpe into his shot. No biggie, it turned into a three-point play. And what does Shae do to drive the demanded respect home? He steals another sloppy Kings pass, flicking the orange outside to Jrue for a three… splash!
Did y’all clock the Peoples Hero of Cedar Rapids, Iowa Kris Murray taking his turn hoisting the guillotine blade? Starting with a mid-second quarter three, Murray ran up his stats in a big way. We, as a city and fandom, love Kris Murray so much and just want to see him get that confidence up. When Murray is on, our foes don’t stand a chance. Murray’s hands were all over the Kings, fighting tooth and nail for rebounds that ended up resulting in Blazers buckets. Keep this up, Kris ,and we’re gonna start a Moda-wide KRISTOPHER—MURRAY call-and-return. He deserves it after that back-to-back three he put up. Made all the sweeter by his identical twin Keegan Murray—a much-loved Kings forward—watching on from the Kings bench due to injury. You got this Kris, Portland loves you.
How do y’all reckon we ended the half? With a Toumani three, a Rob Williams III two-hand jam, a Murray dunk, a Holiday three, and a massive Matisse Thybulle three-point buzzer-beater end ending the half. He learned that on the mean streets of Sammamish, Washington, putting down at least two Dick’s Deluxe, two fries, and a shake at Dick’s Drive-In’s Wallingford location post-Huskies’ throwdowns. (Or so can be imagined.)
The fourth quarter was flashy and splashy, lobs dropping, and the defense locking in with hands everywhere. When Tiago Splitter drained his bench, Yang Hansen, Blake Wesley, and Sidy Cissoko, got Moda out of their seats for another standing-o.
Though the April 12, 2026 No Kings Day was profoundly successful for the Blazer executioners, a few spots need tightening if they’re going to get into the Playoffs. Deni’s sloppy inbounding briefly cost the Blazers the lead last night, threes need to be dropping on a more regular basis (the Kings had a brief gleam in their royal eyes as they slogged it out in the third quarter, the Blazers unable to make a three to save their lives until late in the quarter), free throws are free and need to be made, and turnovers. Boy, do we need to work on those turnovers.
If the Blazers pull a total eclipse, blotting the Phoenix Suns tomorrow, that’s it, we’re in the playoffs! If Portland is turned into scorched Earth by the Suns, we’ll move on to a sudden death match against the winner of the ninth and tenth seed teams—the LA Clippers and the Golden State Warriors. We won’t have home court advantage against the Suns tomorrow, but if it comes down to it, the boys will be playing at home against the winner of the Clipps and Golden State game.
This is exciting, Portland. We haven’t gone this far in the season in a minute and haven’t had this exciting of a team since early Dame. Show our tall, hot, millionaire boyfriends some love and maybe we’ll be able to keep ’em.
