Credit: Illustration by Kalah Allen

To Mr. and Mrs. Spiffy, in the front row at a modern dance show: Your neat-o, logo-infested clothes don’t make you classy or honorable, you slimy perverts! Mrs. Spiffy, when you started browsing on your iPhone during the show, I was mildly annoyed, having to look past the light from your little gee-gaw to see my friends’ dance. Then you held it up to show Mr. Spiffy what you’d found, and treated me to disgusting, pornographic singles ads, complete with naked butts, and tits hanging out of blouses! How dare you watch these fine people perform with your heads full of that nasty, forlorn shit! And did you even notice the two five-year-old girls seated a few feet from you? Let me save you 70 bucks, you perverted, icky losers: Art is wasted on you. Next time do the innocent children in the community a favor, stay home, and look at this depressing crap by yourselves. You think you are being sly and secretive? Every nasty thing you were thinking was written all over your faces! What a dreary sight, Mr. Spiffy in his logo shirt, Mrs. Spiffy slamming glasses of wine and browsing porn while dedicated artists tried to inspire you. On second thought, I hope you do come to another show, so I can kick your pervy asses!—Anonymous

16 replies on “I, Anonymous”

  1. What are you, some sort of puritan? Did those two little brats belong to YOU? No? So what are you soo bent outta shape for? Stop using kids that ain’t even YOURS to try & gouge a “sympathy” vote. Next time, mind your own business.

    Did you seriously paid $70 for a, what, dance show? Really?!

  2. I’m vaguely reminded of that letter Hunter Thompson wrote to the power company explaining why he couldn’t pay his bill that month. “WE ARE PUTTING ALCOHOL INTO OUR BODIES…”

  3. Right on. I hate it when people at a public performance act as if they’re in their own living room: having conversations, dropping things, messin around with their stuff, cell phone going off, etc. Idiots like those two and Damos obviously have never been taught manners, and ought to be confronted on the spot.

  5. i don’t think anyone who forked over close to a c-note to watch people dance around, let alone anyone who is straight-up mad over having to look at a tit in public is going to be kicking any two people’s asses at once. and man-oh-man would that ever disrupt the performance, maaaaaaan.

  6. I’ll assume, I Anonymous, that you ran right home to compose this little rant, rather than confront these “Offenders of High Art” in person?

    Pussy.

  7. I’m thoroughly convinced DamosA is a candyass wanker. I believe he also posts on WW’s site. He is a fucking tool on that site as well. Fucking troll

  8. It’s not okay to play around with your phone at any type of performance (other than a sporting event). I’m kind of surprised that anyone needs to be told that any more.

    Anyway, anonymous, you need to learn that in Portland, it is always YOUR fault when someone else is being rude. The problem isn’t the person on the bus or the next table demonstrating all the manners of a gibbon. The problem is you for being “too uptight”. And thus, you should definitely “move to Hillsboro.”

  9. I think we ought to change this city’s un-official trendy bumper-sticker motto from “KEEP PORTLAND WEIRD” to “KEEP PORTLAND WHINNY”. B/c Hell knows it would be ALOT more appropiate considering all the belly-aching i see & read.

    Oh you poor socialites, how horrible, HORRIBLE it was that your fancy $70 dance show was utterly ruined by inadvertently spotting a grainy pair of tits on a teeny tiny LG screen, OH THE HUMANITY! Do you poor folks need a greif counselor? Do you need Mayor Adams to hold your well-manicured hands?

  11. Well anyone who’s a big enough of a bourgeoisie douche to whine about such a pety little thing ought to take their silver spoons & move to Hillsboro. Actually, such wankers would be better suited in Lake Oswego, that rich ghetto. These are the same folks who’re trying to ban high-content alcohol in dt. So please, GO! Good riddence!

  12. Why does “keeping it weird” mean annoying other people? Someone distracting you from an expensive performance that you paid for and want to see is a valid complaint.

    If you want to talk about bourgeois douchebags with too much money, why not talk about the couple who can buy $70 tickets to something they have no interest in? Hardly sound like the salt of the earth to me.

  13. While I generally agree with the part of your rant about staying off one’s phone during performances, any screed that includes “How dare you…” generally loses me. Get off your moral high horse. And speaking of which, wow, judgmental much on the porn?!? “…nasty, forlorn shit”? (Forgetting for a moment that terming porn “forlorn” belies the fact that most everyone– Yes, probably even some other people at that show– consume it). I know you weren’t happy, but try not to channel all your anger about the state of the world at two people who, more than being malicious or violent, seem to be just socially inept.

  14. Why would someone paid $70 to attend any event, only to spend most of that time SNOOPING OVER OTHER PEOPLE’S SHOULDERS!?

    Maybe someone ought to submit an ‘I Anonymous’ about nosy-ass bourgeois douchebags w/ too much money & too much to whine about. Maybe if these people had simply minded their own business, they could’ve enjoyed the show & gotten their money’s worth.

  16. Glare from the phone – valid complaint, if promptly made to offenders or theater staff.

    What’s on the screen – irrelevant. Would you have felt better if if was cute widdle child-friendly kittens? If the answer is Yes, you deserve DamosA

    I anonymous material? Not even close.

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