Good Morning, News!

Hey, in 10,000 years, when the rock we’re on has become finally and thoroughly screwed, maybe a lucky few of our descendants will have braved the sadness of space and made it here. Or maybe we’ll find a nice spot that’s a little closer.

Twitter and Facebook are especially sad that comedian Greg Giraldo is dead, after apparently accidentally overdosing on pills. Meanwhile, women of a certain age are no doubt sad that handsome old actor Bernard Schwartz Tony Curtis, has died. That is if all his fans aren’t already dead, too.

Nothing says childhood like “genital bleeding.” Fisher Price is recalling millions of cheap plastic tricycles, many of them emblazoned with insipid cartoon characters, because of protruding ersatz ignition keys that can leave our little ones terribly maimed.

Because breathing the grease clouds in a McDonalds “kitchen” doesn’t suck enough, the fast-food purveyor is warning the feds it will shut down its employee health insurance program if it isn’t exempted from a key part of this year’s health insurance reform law. The announcement comes as more and more rich folk find themselves getting their burger-and-fries on.

What a total fucking scumbag.

Is the Pearl financially distressed? Really?The Oregonian cheekily asks that question, based on the Portland City Council’s decision to direct $31 million in federal stimulus bonds toward construction of Vestas’ new HQ in the old Meier & Frank warehouse. City officials say it was either spend it there, or lose the money altogether when stimulus programs expire at the end of the year.

They’re blaming it on meat. The doping allegations against Tour de France champ Alberto Contador, so argue his lawyers, may not appear as they seem.

If we’re bringing back shit from the 1990s, how come it can’t be, oh, you know, MONEY? Instead, hillbillies are once more taking to the woods with military-grade guns and equipment, and dangerously rabid fears about the CIA/FBI/Muslims/Mexicans/Soviets/ATF/Chinese wrecking America while our black president presumably watches with glee. Go watch Red Dawn again and jerk off.

Thank me later.