I commend your attempt to introduce theater to your young children, although why you chose the 100-minute-long monologue of An Iliad is beyond me. However, when only three minutes into the production your seven-year-old leans over to you and says, “I’m going to throw up,” your correct response should have been to grab him by the arm and run for the bathroom. Instead you decided it would be smarter to pull his head into your lap and encourage him to barf on you instead. Once the two of you were completely glazed in what appeared to be rancid ice cream, it most certainly would have been high time to get up and get out. Instead, you asked your husband for your hat and gave it to your child as a puke bucket. Then, you mopped up the chunks in your lap with your scarf and settled in for the show, while the rest of us stewed in the stench of fresh vomit and your poor kid heaved and shivered until he passed out. What fucking planet are you from? I appreciate that your tickets were expensive, and that your exit might have disrupted the performance, but my seats cost just as much and you completely fucked the show for everyone within 20 feet of you, not to mention having ruined me on Homer for life. —Anonymous
I, Anonymous
Second Act
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Sounds like someone WAS born in a barn.
wtf? poor kid. a) children that age have an attention span of approximately 5 minutes… so bad call on the entertainment choice (get a baby-sitter). b) if he says he’s gonna barf… get the hell out of there and take care of your sick kid. pretty sure that’s a part of the job description when you become a parent…
Someone getting up from their seat does not disturb a performance; it’s something that happens all the time, everyone is used to it. This person is a bad parent.
Is this even true? Nooo, it can’t be. This one just sounds too gross. This one has to be made up.
Welp, it’s way better than last week’s!
Even if it IS made up it gives me a smidgen of hope for this column. Still, I long for the days when I, Anonymous was filled with tales of disgusting acts of revenge or random tales of boogers wiped in strangers’ hair.
WHY did you not wipe boogers in her hair secretly? Oh, yeah, you would’ve gotten puke on your finger.
I never thought the diaphragm cleaning wench in the airport john could be trumped…..some are sicker than others!
A fucked up but effective way to get a little leg room. Maybe the kid is bulemic? Maybe the mom is a really bad cook? Maybe a little too much Heroin? Maybe the kid just didn’t like the show? Maybe not. There is just no figuring out peeps. I must say this is even grosser than the skank cleaning her diaphragm in the airport bathroom! I bet they wiped a few boogers on the armrests at intermission, I hope the ending wasn’t too happy. EEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.
Well i’m hereby calling bullshit on this one. It just sounds too fake. Letting your kid vomit right in your lap? People this ghetto would attend a theater show?!
Why must every “I Anonymous” be some passive aggressive vent. Everytime! Did it ever occur to people you can walk up a say something to the prepetrators? You might even feel better about yourself for having some balls.
Someone should have stood up and urinated on the woman, while yelling “THE ARISTOCRATS!” Now that would have been theater.
@JeanPDX: I think that’s just the nature of this column. You best live with it.
If it was a column recounting all the times when ballsy people totally confronted jerks, then it wouldn’t be called “I, Anonymous” – but instead would be something like, “Oh yeah, and Frank? John has one more thing to say!” Know what I mean?
At any rate, this is gross. And yeah, of all those people in the crowd, one of them should have been like, “Like hello? You’re ruining this for everyone!”
Really too bad. It was an amazing show. Hope you got some measure of enjoyment out of it, despite the ridiculously bad behavior of this particular family. Shame on them.
Mmm…ice cream puke. Homer likes it!