Credit: Illustration by Kalah Allen

Anonymous Male Parental Unit: Can’t you wait until the sheets cool off? Did you text in your stats to eHarmony on the way back from the divorce lawyer? Dealing with your split up is hard for us kids, but watching you strut around with a lighthouse mounted on your dick alerting the entire universe that you are now on the meat market is just sickening. I would just say it’s a midlife crisis, but unless you have been pumping water from the fountain of youth into every orifice, your midlife was about 15 years ago. Worse than that, you bring home skank after skank and introduce them to us. Please have the decency to either close your bedroom door or put away the bright pink strap-on and bondage rope you might have needed to hogtie the last beast you brought home. I think I saw her in the team-roping event at the rodeo. How could you possibly think we fell for you faking a goodbye and sneaking her back in? We could hear her hooves hit each step up to your new stabbin’ cabin. I am embarrassed to be your (soon to file for emancipation) daughter.—Anonymous

12 replies on “I, Anonymous”

  1. Wow, this sounds so familiar. Just replace “Dad” with “Mom” and you’ll have at least half of everyone’s uncomfortable childhood moments covered.

  2. I’m a-gonna say this painful little moment was the product of a fertile imagination that happened to feed on a bunch of popular cliches, noting as always that I may be wrong.

  3. made up, not that funny, and totes lame. a kid actually dealing with this would either be a lot angrier or a fuck of a lot funnier about it.

  4. Well, if it IS fake, it sure is well-written. Pynchon and Vidal’s love child better watch out, because there’s company … unless this IS Pynchon and Vidal’s love child, in which case we stand in the presence of greatness. Creepy, creepy greatness.

  8. Exactly! This is extraordinarily (and refreshingly) well written, which means that the writer is old enough to MOVE OUT OF DAD’S HOUSE.

    Stop being a drag on your parents, people. Once you turn 18, it is your duty to become independent. Or die.

  9. Excellent work! The father is clearly a symbolic stand in for the unstoppable and sometimes repulsive march of time (father time, duh), the would-be emancipated daughter (almost Elektra amirite?) is the Mercury staff, the “I,Anonymous” column, commenters and trolls all dealing with the challenge of the aging gracefully against the harsh backdrop of youth defined Portland Mercury milieu. Do I dare buy a new Subaru? Should I not ride my bike today because the rain is getting real tiresome? Move to the West side? Do I dare eat a non-organic peach (no, don’t I read somewhere they’re especially bad and the organic is only like $0.55 more).

    Getting old and getting it on is an oft told tale of woe, it ain’t easy being half-decrepit and sleazy (trust me I’m 69) but it’s workable if you stick with the classics; Apple products, fad diets, dog runs, red wine, safely hip European reading glasses, Forest Park, cardio and avoid screen print gear, cougar/dingo bars and whatever hat is cool right now like the plague.

  10. Assuming this letter is legit, i feel sorry for the dad for having to put up with such a horrible, bitter, mean cunt of a daughter. Where did he go wrong, huh?

  11. Sounds like the dad is a selfish, disgusting piece of shit and the daughter should probably:

    a) Set the house on fire and run away
    b)Set her dad and his new slut on fire and run away
    c) set herself on fire, and stop, drop and roll. Than run away.

    I really think fire should be involved somewhere in this situation…

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