From the I, Anonymous mailbag. Submit your complaint/confession here!
To the not-so-classy couple a short step away from a public indecency ticket in the park, get a fucking room. I was trying to relax, soak up the rare Portland sun on a gorgeous day, and you had to come, lay your blanket directly in front of my own, and spend hours grunting and groping one another. Your over exaggerated P.D.A. made me sick to my stomach. Trust me, I tried my best to ignore you, listen to music, mind my own business, but you refused let up. I anticipated the moment that an unsuspecting pooch might come your way and mistake you for his own personal fire hydrant. Did you think that made people jealous, or was it a cover because you lack any real substance together. All I know is that in no way was that ‘cute’, it was the most trashy, classless display you could have put on. Next time, take your fucking pre-cum soaked blanket and American Apparel V-necks to another park, because if it happens again believe me I won’t hold myself back from strutting right past and hawking a loogie headed on a course straight for your face.— I, Anonymous
Look, bitch. Spitting on people is called “sliming” and it’s a felony.
Ugh. Anyone who regularly does more than the lightest of PDA in public should be set on fire.
We all get a free pass to indulge in this once in a while when drunk, but if it’s your normal practice, congratulations: you’re disgusting.
But CC! What about people who have a fetish for “public humping?” Where are they to hump?
I defer, like all important life decisions, to Dan Savage on this…
Dan Savage: Dump The Picnicking MotherFuckers Already, It Gets Better.
“Did you think that made people jealous, or was it a cover because you lack any real substance together.”
That says it all. This anon is an insecure tool.
You called it ROM. That’s where I was gonna go.
And…how’d we get that this was a “she?”
Does threatening to be, “hawking a loogie headed on a course straight for your face” diminish the assessment of the couple as “not-so-classy;” or is it a takes-one-to-know-one kind of thing?
Would you rather be around an overly affectionate couple or somebody spitting in the faces of strangers?
Anonymous comes across sounding either exceedingly jealous, or genuinely a prude. It’s a big park (coincidentally public space we all pay for); no one would have stopped you from moving. And sure, it was rude of them: but it’s pretty clear they weren’t thinking clearly or of anyone but themselves. Be the bigger person and let them be young.
Also, spit is grosser than PDA.
“…you had to come, lay your blanket directly in front of my own, and spend hours grunting and groping one another.”
And, for hours, I was forced to watch! Unable to speak, transfixed by the lewd display, yet unable to leave, mesmerized by its tantalization! Forced, I tell you! For hours…
Hey, Anonypuss, it’s HOCK up, not HAWK up–derived from HACK up (as in a HACKING cough), which may in turn have originated from HARKLAR LUNGA which is Swedish for “cough up a lung.”
In general I agree with you, horny loungers should choose a spot as far from other people as possible. But since spitting is a felony (as my legal advisor YouKnowYouRubbedOne maintains) then simply carry a small bottle of personal lubricant and give the happy couple a little shower–that can’t be more than a misdemeanor, I would think. (They may make good use of the stuff, though.)
Actually, just as I posted that “The Wife” found an “OED” entry that proves that I’m “wrong” and you’re “right” about the spelling of “hawk.”
Anyway, the V-necks weren’t American Apparel, they were from the Gap. PROVES YOU AREN’T SO SMART, DOESN’T IT?
See Todd, that’ll learn you to have a “wife.”
Someone isn’t getting any.
Sex park!
Apropos of lovin’, I’m inspired by the featured Lovelab ad of the moment to note that I’m looking for a woman with a golden heart who will let me copper feel.
Jealous, methinks.