Aaaa! Portland is being taken over in June by a whopping 229 bike rides, all of them preciously themed. Shock! Awe! Here are our top pro-America picks from the patriotic Pedalpalooza pile—full list and details online at pedalpalooza.org.
THURSDAY JUNE 16
Back Alley Ride—It’s a known fact that Northeast Portland has the best alleys. After ample coffee, explore the homeland of blackberries and abandoned toilets. Random Order Coffeehouse, 1800 NE Alberta, 9:30 am
Werewolf Hustle—Ride with a large group as fast as possible to an insanely distant location? Sounds pointless! I’m in. Cartopia, SE 12th & Hawthorne, 7:30 pm
FRIDAY JUNE 17
Science Ride—OMSI promises liquid nitrogen ice cream and “at least one big explosion” as riders wind up the Springwater stopping for mini-science factoids. OMSI, 1945 SE Water, noon
Skate Critical Mass—When Portland cyclists let it lapse, the skaters stole Critical Mass from under their upturned noses. Cross your fingers for a derby girls vs. cars war. Bill Naito Fountain, SW Ankeny & Naito, 6 pm
SATURDAY JUNE 18
Star Wars vs. Star Trek—Neeeeerds! Neeeerds! Wait. Darth Vader riding a bicycle? I take it back, that’s awesome. Director Park, SW 6th & Yamhill, 2 pm
World Naked Bike Ride—You know the drill: Get as bare as you dare, join 10,000 or so other body-positive perverts, have the best time of the year. Oh, and try not to crash. SE Water & Salmon, 10 pm
SUNDAY JUNE 19
Homemade Ice Cream Ride—That’s all you really need to know. Laurelhurst Park, 3700 SE Ankeny, 2:30 pm
Sunset Mystery Ride—Awww. It’s a bike ride about friendship, cute dates, and picnicking at a scenic sunset. Try not to be snarky for, like, three hours at least. Irving Park, NE 7th & Fargo, 7 pm
MONDAY JUNE 20
Epic Pizza Ride—Pizza! PIZZA! PIZZZZZZAAAAA! A tour of Portland’s finest slices. RSVP to gently@gmail.com for location, 6:30 pm
TUESDAY JUNE 21
Sandlot Ride—Forget these dumb bikes, let’s play some ball! Non-jocks welcome for a friendly baseball game (to the DEATH). Portland Pedalworks, 345 NW Everett, 6 pm
WEDNESDAY JUNE 22
Gas Attack—What’s scarier than a group of aggressive cyclists plunging into rush-hour traffic while wearing gas masks to protest smog? Um… nothing. Irving Park, NE 7th & Fremont (by the basketball courts), 4:45 pm
Bike-in Movie—Pedal to some sort of Japanese made-for-TV romcom called Messengers. In the poster, they look like Spandex mannequins. 5536 NE 27th, 9 pm
Oh gee I just read about the event ‘gas attack’. So you dumb cyclists think that by blocking rush hour traffic, you are going to help the problem??