One Day at a Time

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 26
It’s clearly wrong to celebrate the misfortune of other people—unless of course those “other people” are Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore. The gossip pages were aflame this week with news that KutchMoore’s marriage is swirling down the toilet, thanks to reports of Ashey’s alleged serial cheating. Star magazine was the first out of the gate with a report that the couple have been living apart for some time, and that instead of celebrating their sixth wedding anniversary together last Friday, the new Two and a Half Men star was spotted doing some heavy-duty canoodle talk with some half-dressed skanks at San Diego’s Fluxx nightclub. All this was predicated, of course, by 21-year-old Brittney Jones’ claims that she and Ashton slapped genitals on his couch last summer after they met at a bowling alley—and (tsk, tsk, tsk) right under the long pointy nose of wife Demi. Apparently when enough is enough, it’s really enough—and insiders claim the longtime twosome are “finally done for good” and gearing up for what could be a very spendy divorce… to the tune of (gulp) $300 million. IN A RELATED STORY… Is that Charlie Sheen we hear saying, “Ha ha ha”? MEANWHILE… In a tale of relationships going “right,” awkward teen pop sensation Justin Bieber surprised his current girlfriend/Disney robot Selena Gomez with a rather romantic night out—a candlelit dinner on the empty floor of the 20,000-seat Staples Center, followed by a screening of Titanic. Just to put this in perspective, last weekend Hubby Kip also surprised us with a romantic night out—dinner at Arby’s (he had a coupon) followed by two hours of thumbing through used discs at Video Game Wizards.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 27
What will surely be the ugliest and saddest court case of the year has started—and no, it’s not the Ashton/Demi divorce trial because that would be the happiest. It’s the People v. Dr. Conrad Murray in which the doctor of the late Michael Jackson stands accused of manslaughter. Today the prosecutor in the case delivered his opening statement, accusing Jackson’s personal physician of overdosing the pop star with the powerful anesthetic propofol (which Jackson allegedly used to help him sleep), and acting with “gross negligence and incompetence.” A parade of Jackson’s staff will be taking the stand to give testimony on what they witnessed that night—though it’s still up in the air whether or not Jackson’s children (Prince Michael and Paris) will be allowed to testify. While the children did witness much of the bedlam that evening, and have volunteered to testify, sources say their inclusion could damage the prosecutor’s case if they are cross-examined about their father’s prior drug use. Other members of Michael’s family are also on the list of possible witnesses that may be called, including Janet, Jermaine, Marlon, Randy, Tito, and… oh, no. La Toya. (You know she’s already getting her 10th nose job in anticipation.)

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 28
Today it was announced that exiled director Roman Polanski sort of, kind of, halfway apologized to the former 13-year-old girl he drugged and anally raped 33 years ago—but not in person, mind you! He issued the half apology at the end of the upcoming documentary Roman Polanski: A Film Memoir saying, “She [the young teen he raped] is a double victim: my victim and a victim of the press.” Ohhhhh, well that clears everything up. Wait… no it doesn’t. If it’s half Roman’s fault and half ours, did we do the drugging part? Or the butt-rape part? MEANWHILE… According to a gossip site called Truthquake.com, Lady Gaga “bathes in human blood”… and might be a Freemason? The extremely dubious “proof” of these claims comes from a British housekeeper at London’s Intercontinental Hotel, who allegedly says that Ms. Gaga left a copious amount of blood in the tub of the suite she was occupying at the time. “Whether this incident was a satanic ritual or not is unknown,” the Truthquake author cryptically states. Fuck it… let’s just say it is! Around the same time, the gossip site reports that Gaga also met with “leaders of the Scottish Rite Freemasons, which is an organization known to be a link between the Illuminati and members of the British royal family.” OMG. This story could not get more startling and controversial! Wait… “[At the iHeart Radio Music Festival] she performed with her band and later with the bisexual musician Sting.” Okay, now that is just too much! Sting is NOT a “musician”!

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 29
Accused serial cheater Ashton Kutcher took to his Twatter account today to somewhat ineffectively rebuke rumors of his impending divorce to Demi Moore. First he twatted a link to the song “Don’t Believe the Hype” by Public Enemy (GET IT??), soon followed by another irrefutable piece of evidence: “When you ASSUME to know that which you know nothing of you make an ASS out of U and ME.” (Maybe he’s paying a fourth grader to twat for him now?) MEANWHILE… The New York Post is reporting that Ashton has “unfollowed” his wife on Twatter, after Demi “unfollowed” him—and then began following him again. IN A RELATED STORY… “Ha ha ha ha ha.” (Charlie Sheen’s still laughing about something.)

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 29
African Americans who support Obama have been “brainwashed into not being open minded,” presidential candidate Herman Cain told CNN’s Wolf Blitzer earlier this week. As a black candidate with relatively little support, Cain insisted it was all due to mind control. Noting he’d received “vitriol simply because I am running for the Republican nomination as a conservative,” Cain added, “It’s just brainwashing and people not being open minded, pure and simple.” Before you question a candidate’s decision to tell potential voters they’ve been brainwashed, remember: This is the same Herman Cain who regularly quotes lyrics from the theme song to the Pokémon movie, and who was also the CEO of Godfather’s Pizza—which means he’s brainwashed at least a few people into thinking Godfather’s Pizza is remotely edible. MEANWHILE… And then the whole “race in politics” thing took quite a turn when it was revealed that the Texas hunting lodge of presidential candidate Governor Rick Perry used to be named (brace yourselves, dears) “Niggerhead.” The Washington Post notes that the name, “painted in block letters across a large, flat rock standing upright at [the lodge’s] gated entrance,” could still be seen just last summer, “faintly visible beneath a coat of white paint.” While Perry—who, just as a reminder, is hoping to unseat the first black president of the United States—stammered his way through frantic excuse maneuvers, everyone else was reminded that this is the craziest presidential election since… well, at least since the one with that Palin woman.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 1
Awww. Look at all the little trustafarians! In a protest about the state of… well, everything, the Occupy Wall Street movement that began on September 17 stretched into its 4,000th week today, with over 700 of the protesters who’ve been camped out in New York getting arrested after defying police to march across the Brooklyn Bridge. “The loosely organized group is protesting against corporate greed,” the BBC explains. “They say they are defending 99 percent of the population against the wealthiest one percent.” Inspiring similarly vague, aimless protests in other cities (including, naturally, Portland—sigh), the protesters have yet to formalize any plans, inspire any changes, display a basic awareness of how the grown-up world works, or, as Ginia Bellafante wrote in the New York Times, do anything other than “pantomime progressivism rather than practice it knowledgeably.” ¡Viva la revolución!

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 2
Why is it that the filthy hippies protesting legitimate societal wrongs can barely keep their white-person dreads out their eyes, but professional doofus Ashton Kutcher possesses a laser-like focus? Details have emerged about the “debauched night” Ashton spent in San Diego when he allegedly cheated on Demi! Some choice bits from the Daily Mail: The subject of Ashton’s attentions was “23-year-old Texan Sara Leal“; Kutcher shouted, “Yo, where’s the vodka at?” while he “languished naked in a hot tub with four similarly bare young women“; earlier, at the Fluxx nightclub, Ash and his pals spent their time “picking out girls who were ‘hot tub worthy or not.'” For more deets, we might have to wait for Leal to squeal—but the Mail notes that might not happen! “She is reportedly letting it be known that she won’t ‘spill the beans’ on Kutcher for less than $250,000, but is hoping she will receive a similar offer from Kutcher to fade away.” IN A RELATED STORY… “Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaa.” (Cut it out, Charlie! You’re creeping us out!)