Dear Portland: stop it. Just stop it. Stop it with the no-makeup, natural hair, thrift store clothes that make you look like Fantastic Mr. Fox… Stop it with the beards, the ill-fitting tight suits, and looking like a fresh-faced 3rd grade teacher from 1983…. I’m sick of feeling like I live in a Wes Anderson movie every friggin’ time I walk out my front door, ok? It’s time for the rest of us to step up and REBEL against this banjo-toting naturalness. Where’s the art? Where’s the STYLE? Where’s the MAKEUP? Most of all, where’s the INDIVIDUALITY? It’s almost 2012, people! Stop this needless regression and let’s make Portland a place with people who look like they give a damn.

33 replies on “Disgusted with Naturalness”

  3. I miss the good old days here in Portlandville when everybody took the time to shave their heads and wore flight jackets and Docs.
    Jus’ sayin’.

  5. Playing a banjo is fucking hard fyi. It takes a lot of practice, skill, and patience. Do you know what it’s like to tune one of those fuckers?
    Also, in harsh economic times folk music generally ALWAYS makes a resurgence in America. Why hate on creativity? At least people are trying to express themselves.

    Don’t tell people how to dress. Don’t tell women to wear make-up if they don’t fucking want to.
    Perhaps you should consider moving to LA. I hear they love shit like that there.

  7. that post is right about the early 80’s school teacher look so many girls sport lately. are they even aware of what a lvl 80 bonershredder that look is? hate on the pearl all you want, at least the women there dress as though they’re living in an actual modern city.

  9. “Where’s the art? Where’s the STYLE? Most of all, where’s the INDIVIDUALITY?”
    It’s in a lot of the things you just attacked because you personally don’t like them (all manner of facial hair, tight-fitting suits, schoolteacher/librarian style etc.).
    I agree with you that this city is full of people who go around looking like they don’t give a damn, but you’re barking up the wrong tree. The problem is the legions of lookalikes who all look like they got their entire wardrobe at Wal-Mart and Target and go schlumping around in baggy “sweat” clothing and flip-flops, and dress in jeans and athletic clothing whenever possible no matter what. I’ve been waiting in line outside a venue and noted that 90% of the people in line were wearing jeans. Why are they ALL wearing jeans to go out on a Friday night? That’s the lack of style and expression. But instead I guess it’s so much easier to pigeonhole and rail against “hipster” cliches once again.
    Some men have grown beards since the dawn of humankind. Get used to it already and STFU.

  12. I’m sorry: we live in the era in which it’s totally okay to wear fucking pajamas in public and THIS is what you complain about?

  19. I’m with Anon on this one – it’s rare in this town to see people who DON’T look like they’ve painstakingly constructed every nuance of their lives from what they’ve seen in Wes Anderson films or American Apparel ads.

    Then again, I can’t stand just about anything that looks like an easily identifiable and readily adoptable “style”. I guess maybe that makes me a judgmental asshole or something.

    *shrug*

  20. The bad thing about it is that this is roughly 80% of the people who live here. Alcoholic dudes with beards and t-shirts, annoying girls who are desperate to come off as Betty Page/Zooey Dechanel/Aubrey Plaza. You were unique in your hometowns, but here you are the very douchebags you tried to get away from. Oh, and your tattoos are stupid

  21. @iceprez: Your “80%” figure is just plain silly. There’s a lot more to Portland than Alberta and Hawthorne. Venture out beyond 82nd sometime.

  22. @ iceprez: Just so you know, Portland doesn’t hold a monopoly on “alcoholic dudes with beards and t-shirts.”

    @dmitrir: There is nothing beyond 82nd except for the Gorge and Mt. Hood, and Edgefield a couple times a year. Please provide 5 reasons to travel beyond 82nd, and natural features and parks don’t count.

  23. @Colin:

    1) The Salvation Army in The Dalles has got to be one of the cheapest thrift stores in the world. ALL MEN’S SUITS ARE $5 EVERY DAY!!!!!

    2) Fubonn. Technically, you have to travel beyond 82nd to get there, so it totally counts.

    3) Larger Mexican population = better Mexican food.

    4) Substitute “Vietnamese” for “Mexican” in #3.

    5) My friends who live near Mall 205 report that every few weeks their neighbor hangs a blue light in his window. Do your neighbors host blue-light parties? I live in NW and mine sure don’t.

    6, because 3 and 4 were kinda the same thing) Brooklyn’s beyond 82nd. Williamsburg is totally cool.

  24. dimitrir- I grew up here. You could blindfold me and drop me off anywhere in East Portland and I could walk home without peeking once. And fyi, I dont hang out on Hawthorne or Alberta, nor do I have to if I want to see some chick who dresses like a 4-year-old that raided her mom’s closet and wears glasses like Dolly Parton’s from 9 To 5.

  25. iceprez, please don’t try your experiment. You’d probably get hit by a car or step in dogshit. In either event, I wouldn’t want to feel responsible. Still, I don’t accept that 80% of the local populous spend their lives enacting Portlandia sketches, mostly because I haven’t run screaming away from this town. (BTW, I initially typed “bad Portlandia sketches,” but then I realized I was being redundant.)

  29. New to hipsters eh anon? HA! Note angry reaction from hipsters below (or at least those that fit both anons and iceprez descriptions) Hilarious! “Some chick who dresses like a 4 year old that raided her moms closet and wears glasses like dolly partons from 9 to 5” Epic! If you’re offended by this you are one of these dorks. But lay off the beards and ill fitting suits. We need some way to instantly identify total nerds, and this is it! Oh, and williamsburg fucking sucks. Move your hipster ass back there and take some of your fellow tools with you

  30. I learned so much here today!
    1. Keep an eye peeled for blue light parties.
    2. 1983 was a good year for prepubescent boners.
    3. I need to Netflix Wes Anderson more.
    4. Todd continues to be funnier than shit.

    But yeah … Portland just sucks big old hyena peni when it comes to a “look.”

  32. make-up is why women have to try so hard to look young: all the years of chemicals on, scrubbing off and the stress of making sure it isn’t smeared. it is dumb. “mascara” = mask = hiding = lying.

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