ABSTRACT: Since 1530, when the Spanish conquistadors first fermented blue agave juice, people have enjoyed tequila's bizarre and wonderful effects on their behavior. It is thought to exert a powerful influence over man and beast.
HYPOTHESIS: When consumed orally, tequila encourages wild and naughty behaviors--often, but not always, including some amount of disrobing.
MEANS AND METHODS: The test was conducted from 10 pm until 3:30 am the night of March 2, 2002. Throughout the evening editor Wm. Steven Humphrey self-administered doses of tequila in many forms: margarita, tequila sunrise, shots, etc. I tested and recorded his ability to perform certain tasks as he became ever drunker. These results are as follows:
RESULTS: Balancing atop a four-foot post on one foot--At first, Subject became BETTER at balancing while becoming more inebriated. This effect reached a maximum threshold, however. (see figure 1)
FUNNINESS: Subject's jokes were longwinded and boring, no matter how much he drank.
GETTING NAKED: Not only did Subject get naked a lot, but he also inspired others to disrobe. These examples are as follows:
1.Three Sisters Tavern, a Male Strip Club--While observing one stripper's heavily pierced penis, a woman he had never met commented to Subject, "I have a bigger piercing than that," to which he replied, "Oh, right!" She then proved she was right by showing him her pierced labia. Subject repeatedly nudged researcher to check it out, too, but researcher was fixated on the giant penis wagging in researcher's face.
2.Leaving Three Sisters (five drinks total)--I drove Subject to the Willamette Week office, where he rubbed his naked ass on their front door handle.
3. 3:00 am, Outside Space Room on Hawthorne (10 drinks total)--Subject took another swig off his flask of Pepe Lopez Tequila and declared himself officially "over the threshold." He was becoming incoherent and was spitting a lot. Subject insisted on being shirtless for his final balance test. Afterwards, Subject claimed he would have gotten totally naked, but he "forgot."
PUKING: After polishing off the last of his Pepe Lopez during the car ride home, Subject kept promising to vomit. I called him the next afternoon to learn that the total volume of puke output was 0.0 liters.
CONCLUSION: The effects of the tequila on Subject were readily apparent. He behaved more genially, was more prone to disrobe, and acted wild and kind of naughty. In sum, we now have definitive proof that tequila has exactly the effects on people it is typically assumed to have.
[It should also be noted that while drinking the Subject in question is a more than proficient dancer.--Editor]