Scoring weed, or any number of illegal pharmaceuticals, can be a challenge—even if you've lived in Portland for years. And while you will eventually stumble onto some friend of a friend's brother's cousin who knows this other guy whose roommate has the right connection to a Mexican drug cartel... what are you going to do this weekend? You're bone dry!

While other local newspapers may balk at telling you where to score weed, the Mercury is more than happy to help. Why? Because we don't give a shit. And we also expect you to give us some weed when we get bone dry. So here are some local weed/drug dealers and where to find them.

FILTHY RAOUL— "Filthy Raoul" (whose actual name may be Chad, but he is legitimately filthy) is a former Reed "trustafarian," who smartly realized his degree in psychotropic philosophy was going to get him nowhere and now deals drugs for a living. He's a good source for fine cannabis, cocaine, and various mood elevators. While he's asked us not to divulge his home address and phone number, he says you can find him every Friday evening between the hours of 6 and 11:30 pm dealing in Pioneer Square to the hordes of addicts who drive in from the Nike campus in Beaverton.

DOCTOR POISON— True, the name "Doctor Poison" doesn't necessarily inspire trust, but he coined the name to scare off amateurs and undercover cops. Working out of his basement located deep within Felony Flats, Doctor Poison supplies much of the Southeast with high-grade chemicals, including crank, crystal, and coke. To make contact, you must be vouched for by one of his trusted customers—however, he will make the occasional exception. Write your email address on the ceiling of the phone booth located on the corner of 78th and Foster, and within two weeks he'll be in touch.

"KAREN"—Look... don't fuck with Karen. While Karen may be the Mercury's main supplier of the wide variety of drugs we crave, Karen will fucking kill you if you cross him. But for the quality and selection he offers? It's worth the risk. Karen has drugs you've never even heard of—and frankly, we don't know what we're taking half the time. Karen drops by the office every week with a bag of pretty pills, and we dole them out to the staff, who gobbles them down like chocolate covered Flintstones Chewables. The best way to contact Karen is by placing an ad in the Mercury classifieds. After taking your order, Karen will drop off a bag of colorful goofballs in the Mercury box outside the Greyhound station downtown—but once again, be careful! That box is in a drug-free zone! n