Scoring weed, or any number of illegal pharmaceuticals, can be a challenge—even if you’ve lived in Portland for years. And while you will eventually stumble onto some friend of a friend’s brother’s cousin who knows this other guy whose roommate has the right connection to a Mexican drug cartel… what are you going to do this weekend? You’re bone dry!
While other local newspapers may balk at telling you where to score weed, the Mercury is more than happy to help. Why? Because we don’t give a shit. And we also expect you to give us some weed when we get bone dry. So here are some local weed/drug dealers and where to find them.
• FILTHY RAOUL— “Filthy Raoul” (whose actual name may be Chad, but he is legitimately filthy) is a former Reed “trustafarian,” who smartly realized his degree in psychotropic philosophy was going to get him nowhere and now deals drugs for a living. He’s a good source for fine cannabis, cocaine, and various mood elevators. While he’s asked us not to divulge his home address and phone number, he says you can find him every Friday evening between the hours of 6 and 11:30 pm dealing in Pioneer Square to the hordes of addicts who drive in from the Nike campus in Beaverton.
• DOCTOR POISON— True, the name “Doctor Poison” doesn’t necessarily inspire trust, but he coined the name to scare off amateurs and undercover cops. Working out of his basement located deep within Felony Flats, Doctor Poison supplies much of the Southeast with high-grade chemicals, including crank, crystal, and coke. To make contact, you must be vouched for by one of his trusted customers—however, he will make the occasional exception. Write your email address on the ceiling of the phone booth located on the corner of 78th and Foster, and within two weeks he’ll be in touch.
• “KAREN”—Look… don’t fuck with Karen. While Karen may be the Mercury‘s main supplier of the wide variety of drugs we crave, Karen will fucking kill you if you cross him. But for the quality and selection he offers? It’s worth the risk. Karen has drugs you’ve never even heard of—and frankly, we don’t know what we’re taking half the time. Karen drops by the office every week with a bag of pretty pills, and we dole them out to the staff, who gobbles them down like chocolate covered Flintstones Chewables. The best way to contact Karen is by placing an ad in the Mercury classifieds. After taking your order, Karen will drop off a bag of colorful goofballs in the Mercury box outside the Greyhound station downtown—but once again, be careful! That box is in a drug-free zone! n
Wow; I wish I had a news paper like you where I live. My husband and I have thought about moving to Portlad many time. I admire your openess and diversified culture. I will definately pick up a copy of your paper if we ever end up in your neck of the woods. Stay honest and keep your edge. Hope fullly it will become contagious.
Sincerely,
Fried Pickles
You people are the reason Portland sucks. I wish all the lefty commies would move to Canada to get their freak on, so the rest of us can get back to business. Portland is so backwards in so many ways, it’s no wonder everything has been in a constant state of decline for the past 10 years. Even our mayor, the lying pedifile, adds to this depravity.
Portland, Oregon. Most Livable? No. Maybe most laughable… though the Bay area has edged us out by a massive force of superbe stupidity labeled as “progressiveness”
Come on people, pull your heads out and get serious.
some people are just ungratefull if you ask me I’m from a small town in nd. if we could be as open as you guys it would be wonderfull but the fact is this is a zero tolerance state. take your prices and double them and that goes for charges as well . be gratefull fool! lol
Oh my god… are people really so gullible as to believe this article isn’t a joke?
hey Mo rons…you cant see past politics…conservitive..progressive…while reading an artical that is just a humor posting. your a bit full of hate…and anger. If you dont like living with a bunch of lefties that make up the majority of Portlanders…..perhaps you should move to Texas. lol If you think that Portland will ever reflect…. the more and more less relevent conservitive base…you would be the backwards one.
I would not recommend the vicious-looking gang of youts that hangs out in south park blocks and deals weed, crack, and meth. their specific clientele is teenagers from Gresham. Ever wonder why all the Gresham teens hang out in Po DT on weekends? yup, for the pleasure of it. Anyway, these guys are usually between Salmon and Madison and will probly rob u and scram to the dark corners of PSU, leaving u to cry for mommy like the dumbass u are. There’s even a few negroes among them. I bet these are the douchebags that Webehigh mentioned. I realize that site is long-outdated but history repeats itself every semester.