MODERN MAN is beset on all sides by danger. As our world becomes increasingly mechanized, and humanity flies further from the Eden blithely cast aside so long ago, we expose ourselves to a multitude of infections, diseases, and prospects for our frail forms to be broken. Luckily for us, the Lord has seen fit to leave us with a cure-all—an elixir I imagine flowed in Eden's amber streams, and most certainly bubbles in the fountains of heaven; the answer to health and spiritual wisdom: whiskey!

Of all the tools in my doctor's satchel, be they panaceas, forceps, or scalpels, I employ none as readily or as often as whiskey. When used liberally throughout one's life, from infancy to old age, this potion can add years, restore vigor, relax nerves, and ease pain.

Pregnant mothers bothered by an overactive fetus whose constant kicking disturbs their needlework may take a dram of whiskey along with a cold biscuit to quiet the child in the womb. It will also have the effect of making mother's womanly aches less unpleasant.

During birth, it is recommended that women bear down on a spirit-soaked rag, rolled up and placed between the teeth. In this way, they will be calmed by a steady drip of the liquor. Likewise the rag will muffle their cries, allowing the doctor to think clearly as he works to remove the baby.

Should uncontrollable bleeding occur during birth, as it so often does, the whiskey-steeped rag may be employed to staunch the flow—the liquor also acting as a good antiseptic agent. In such cases it may be necessary to administer a full bottle to the mother to ensure her comfort. The doctor may also find pouring a small glass for himself will steady shaking hands.

Should a successful birth occur, parents will find whiskey to be a valuable ally in the health of their growing progeny. It is suggested that along with nursing, the mother allow the infant to suckle from the folded corner of a whiskey-soaked handkerchief. This will arrest the constant screams of a colicky baby and help build protection against various and sundry unseen germs, which undoubtedly infest the modern home.

As the child grows and moves toward bottle-feeding, more substantial amounts of whiskey may be added to the young one's milk to ensure obedience and docility. Parents too will benefit from drinking a dram at every meal. A truly happy home is the one enjoying the benefits of this many-propertied drink.

Even the single man or woman will find health in medicinal whiskey. Those suffering from malaise, nervousness, night terrors, or demonic possession will find, upon drinking, a sense of ease and well being as evil humors are purged from their body by the cleansing scythe of whiskey. With medicine in one's system, no longer will the bleakness of the modern day overshadow the wonder of the Lord's creation.

Further, those suffering from breaks, aches, and sprains will discover rubbing this amber spirit upon the offended area, while also drinking a good amount of the liquor, will get them up and about more quickly. This is due to whiskey's high mineral content, proven to help knit bones back together.

Single men who visit ladies in various houses of comfort will find that a few drams paired with a pinch of cocaine will improve their prowess in the boudoir. They will also find that dipping their member in a glass of whiskey will protect them from the "French pox," the "Detroit drip," the "proprietor's hollow cough from the back pantry," or any other common social disease working women may carry.

Women will find that whiskey eases the burden of "Eve's curse" and that they'll not have to sequester themselves away during this time of natural purging. Also, it will add natural rouge to their cheeks, help them maintain a healthy weight, and aid breathing, normally constricted by tight corsets.

Yes, all may benefit from the continual application of medicinal whiskey. But it must be stressed that the abuse of this magical elixir can be deleterious to one's health. Any more than one pint of whiskey a day will erase the therapeutic effects of this wonderful remedy, sent from heaven by God himself to ease all of our woes. So drink mindfully and enjoy the world as God meant it to be enjoyed: with the warm healthy glow of whiskey.