I Told You This Would Happen!
BEHOLD THE END OF DAYS!
How to Make Your Own Eclipse
It’s Super Easy, Everybody
Eclipse Events Calendar!
The Only Actually Useful Thing in the Mercury’s Eclipse Issue
Fact: The Laws of God and Man Are Suspended During an Eclipse.
Plan Accordingly.
Okay, Fuck This Eclipse
Editorial Opinion by A Rooster
Eclipse Your Doubts with Totality Horoscopes!
Why Not? Everything Is Made Up Anyway
If My Conscious Is the Sun, and My Subconscious Is the Moon, Then This Eclipse Is a Pretty Good Metaphor for How I Ruined My Marriage
Hell, I’m No Philosopher
Flat Earth, Eclipsed
The Eclipse, as “Explained” by Flat-Earthers
I Am Mortified by the Attention and Apologize for the Disruption
This Is Just the Worst
Ugh. You know I donāt like the limelight. I show up in the evening, provide just a bit of illuminationānot too much! People are sleeping!āand then I hide all day. Iām not a grandstander, and Iām self-conscious about my size. About once a month, I see how big Iāve gotten and think, āYikes, I canāt let people see me like this!ā Then I disappear entirely for a couple of nights before peeking back out as a thin sliver, hoping no one notices.
Only this time? This time, when Iām feeling my absolute fattest, when I just want to be invisible while I practice some self-care? Thatās when that attention-whoring bastard the Sun does his āhilariousā prank where he gets directly behind me and makes it look like Iām bigger than he is. āWhoa, Moon!ā he always roars. āDown in front! You make a better door than you do a window!ā And everyone down on Earth gathers to point and laugh.
The Sun has been doing this every few decades for thousands of years, just because he can. Like heās not already the center of the solar system! Everybody worships him because heās hot or whatever, but is that enough for him? Nooo, he gets insecure and bullies whoeverās smaller and weaker than him. Which means me, your old pal the Moon. You notice he doesnāt go picking on his fellow stars! Thatās because heās a yellow dwarfāor, in other words, a cowardly runt, as I call him! (Not to his face.)
So Iām sorry for all of this. I have no control over it. If I could make that giant flaming gas-ball grow up and mind his own business, believe me, I would.
P.S. Thank you for not sending guys in heavy boots to stomp around on me anymore. Iām happy that fad was short-lived.