General Sep 21, 2012 at 4:00 am

Are Portland's Favorite Institutions Actually "Portlandy"? Or Not "Portlandy" ENOUGH?

Comments

1
"most things i worry about never happen anyway" -- tom petty
2
I was directed to this article because it was tagged with "Frida Kahlo tatoos" and I am 100% satisfied.
3
Ian Karmel is Portland as Fuck. Please make the a regular thing
4
I LOVE THIS SO MUCH.
5
You need a regular column every week.
6
Nice Mos Eisley reference - you're alright by me, Karmel.
7
way to sneak in the Breakfast at Tiffany's reference. Solid gold!
8
33 years of Portland have made me jaded. This article has awoken something with its fabulousness. Thank you, Ian Karmel.
9
it's all right, most people who are from portland are actually from beaverton
10
I'm pretty sure it's Mapplethorpe's bullwhip up the ass that's "Portlandy," not his penis, but that's all the fact-checking I'm going to do.
11
The article is entertaining, but the photo is f'ed. Who thought it was good idea to subscribe to typical hollywood bullsh*t and put a overweight dud with a pin up. Get a clue yo.
12
Its an article about strippers and donuts, thats Ian Karmel, the guy who wrote the article.
13
You make me proud to have been a San Francisco stripper probably before you were born. Now I am in Portland, and I am pretty damned Portlandy. Plus you were the emcee when I did open mike at Helium and that's some tasty shit going on there. Less greasy and more satisfying than a doo doo donut! Yeah, I am a mega food snob...best pizza's in Jersey and best donuts, hands and pants down...are @Stan's in Westwood California. I mean the Reese's peanut butter filled chocolate fucking special is something Elvis is flying in by the baker's dozen to his grave site in Graceland as I write this. If you doubt me, I will order up a FedEx 13 pack to go from Stan and you and your stand up buddies can do a circle jerk of lard and sugar consumption consumer testing to make your own assessment. In the meantime, put a bird on it, cause hey yeah, it's cool to be over trending. It's so fucking Portlandy, just like this big kid comic I know whose name sounds like a British candy store. xx o
14
Funny stuff, great packaging. Would read again. A+
15
I had to move away from Portland. I know live in a horrible place called the Bible belt. People don't believe or understand when I get drunk and rant about my magical homeland. Strippers here are sad and usually have 3 kids with the two guys in the front row. I pay them out of shame and to give them hope. the closest doughnuts are a crispy cream 45 minutes away and they treat u like scum cuss they know you drove 45 minutes for a doughnut and you won't say or do shit. I miss home. Thank you for the article it was beautiful. Keep writing please .
16
I would love this as a regular column!
17
It's so funny because he says "fuck" so much! I can't stop laughing at that... Oh, let me wipe the tears away from my eyes.
18
I won't tolerate another word against the photo.
19
Voodoo doughnuts is like, whatever. But it is Portland because a former member of Big Daddy Meatstraw owns it.

And that is Portland as fuck. (I am an old lady.)
20
I work with tourists every day. They go apeshit over Voodoo. Predictably, Voodoo backlash festers deeply within my own black heart. "Shut up about the fucking donuts," I keep thinking, "they're not even good donuts."

Mr. Karmel, you've made me very slightly less jaded. I remain continually annoyed at Voodoo Doughnuts the Scene, but if that particular location on 3rd and Ankeny were to be replaced with a Shari's or a meth lab, I would probably feel something approximating sadness. Thank you.

Also, hooray for strip clubs.
21
I feel like it was funny because of all the other stuff and it says "fuck" a lot because that's how I talk, but you gotta make it through the day, too "Person" so keep on shining. Fuck.
22
Ian Karmel, the thing about you is that you are fucking perfect. You can talk whatever smack you want because you are a complete sweetie pie and because you say "ladies and gentlemen" a lot when you are doing stand up.
p.s. this is the first comment I have ever posted.
23
Great stuff, laughed multiple times. My one criticism, you're a damn misogynist! No, just kidding. My problem? I was hoping for a little critisim of that sacred cow known as Voodoo doughnuts. It's a weird tourist trap. It is an institution and I bring everyone who visits me there, but really, it's not that special when you get down to the nitty gritty. It's like some old bush everyone just has to come see and pet.
24
Some of the worst kind of people go to the Voodoo donuts DT.

All the 'real' Portlanders go to the 1501 NE Davis st. location. If they even go at all.
Personally; the stale coco puffs donuts are not that -great-; they're pretty fucking nasty.
You'll get stale donuts at the DT location and at NE; there's noway around it.
Honestly; I've had better donuts from 7/11.
25
Where do you get coke in Portland? Who is doing the all american drug? I always hear about people snorting the-gift-of-the-sun but where is this mythical snow? Need to know
by next week, I have a group of friends that would like to have the cocaine blues all weekend from a fabulous friday night and we have no idea where to score? Should we start at Voo Doo or The Dancin Bare?
26
Karmel-by-the-C-Cup
27
This article should be printed and framed.
28
This is a good point, even if you don't necessarily need to EAT Voodoo, you should probably at least see it. It's next to a damn porno theater with hentai Fridays.

If you like the Apple Fritter, Memphis Mafia is pretty damn good too, though over the top. Their plain blueberry cake one is good too.
29
Ian looks like Jack Black and Jimmy Kimmel's butt baby.
30
Thank you!
31
Real Portlanders get Voodoo Doughnuts in Eugene. I have never seen more than five people in line, and usually there aren't any.
32
If only there was a Voodoo Donuts strip club.
33
Karmel, apples.
34
strip clubs? montreal
36
Withnipples and Ian
37
Ian, I fully accept the notion that you are Portland As Fuck.
38
I really enjoyed reading this, and I agree about the strip club scene. I once hung out with arch-feminists who demonized strippers as evil people, and strip-club goers as sexual deviants - over time this turned me off to strip clubs entirely. I haven't gone to a strip club in years, and reading your piece just reminded me of all the non-sexual hilarity that happens there.

I just want to give Ian a big hug. Thank you, Ian. Thank you.
39
This article is so stupid. It reduces Portland to just two very tired cliches. C'mon, dude. You forgot Powell's.
40
What, the model has no face?
41
L to R: box, "Big Pink"; dear; big; big pink box; deer.
42
I fucking love you. As an NEP native, Just today, I was similarly lamenting the loss of businesses and landmarks that I deem truly Portland (specifically a former discount food store located in inner SE which is now Nostrana), and how many of the businesses popping up in their place actually infuriate me, because they are so fucking boring, and they only represent and repeatedly remind me of what is lost. Agreed on all counts, right down to the doughnut line and the club scene. (frumpy female, 39, Andrea Dworkin-disliking, self-identified sex-positive feminist)
43
Also, neither owner was ever in Big Daddy Meat Straw, but Tres was co-owner of the X-Ray where BDMS played, and where frontman Vince worked as a doorman.
44
I still detest Beaverton
HWY 217 gives me thoughts of suicide
Not sure if itโ€™s the roads or the non-drivers that block them?

Get a good donut and enjoy eating it .....
Joes in Sandy!
Stay on your side of town bitches..
45
I'd rather dive into that rack in the picture
46
"Fun is what Portland strip clubs are all about." Yes, FUN + the sweet sour sadness of the solo dancer on a Tuesday afternoon watching her 20s slip away one dingy dollar bill at a time scraped across scuffed marmoleum.
47
whoa, hawthse -- didn't know what 'marmoleum' was before.....thanks for that.....(seriously.)

(the mercury comments section is pretty fucking educational sometimes.)
48
When my wife and I got married at the 24-hour Church of Elvis, Stephanie paraded the whole wedding party through Powells. You could just feel the hatred pouring off of every patron there. Not sure which was more Portlandy, the wedding or the loathing we got at that pretentious used bookstore.
49
I am very upset that some one has to comment on Portland being F--k. I don't care if they think it is a joke. It's not funny to me at all. It is disrespectful and rude. Maybe the dictionary would come in handy to find other words.
Cynthia Armstrong - Kelso, WA
50
cindy:

i'm sure it was just a simple mistake -- i'm sure the author meant to type 'portland as making love'.
51
The editor wouldn't let me call it "Portland as Gosh" because he masturbates.
52
Really thought he'd go off on a lot more than doughnuts and strippers. What about Powells? What about the Pearl? What about the Bubblers?

Also, when does 'as fuck' become the hipster catchphrase to avoid? It's annoying as fuck.
53
Enjoyed the article... have to say, I am OVER Voodoo donuts. The scene is mildly entertaining, but the donuts are mediocre at best. Strongly suggest you mosey back out to Beaverton and try Sesame donuts. Those guys can rock a fritter. They even have mini-fritters so you can have a fix, without getting a stomachache...
54
Oh perfect. Let's just crop out the model's face entirely cuz all we really care about is boobs right guy?!? Good ole' Merc - keep on alienating a good portion of your readership in order to be cool as Fuck. Thinly veiled sexism is certainly Portland MERCURY and Fuck!
55
THE MERCURY MADE ME POSE WITH A BOX OF DONUTS. THEY OBJECTIFIED A FAT PERSON. PLUS, THEY MADE ME PUT MY FACE IN THE PICTURE SO EVERYONE WOULD KNOW EXACTLY WHO THIS FAT, SWEATY, BUTTERSCOTCH DRUNK WAS. THEY ONLY HAD ME POSE WITH BREASTS TO HIGHLIGHT HOW I ALSO HAVE BREASTS.
56
Thank you! As a stripper, it was great to see that our outrageous brand of Portland entertainment is appreciated.
57
Annie's Donuts are both more Portland and more delicious than Voodoo Donuts. This article is "Portland as Fuck," if by that you mean lazy and senseless.
58
We're also known for breweries. We have strip clubs. We have doughnuts. We have breweries.

WHY (?!?!?) hasn't anyone thought to open up a strip club brewery that serves doughnuts?!?!
59
You've lived in Portland for this long and all you've found to do are donuts and strip clubs. Very pathetic, Ian. If we all start to act this way, you'll soon see Portland as the new scene for fat donut-eating people drooling at coked-out strippers. Gross.
60
I'm adding to the "give Ian a regular column, or article or whatever" petition. Ian, you breathe new, nostalgic life into things that should never have started to feel mundane. Thank you.
61
Based on this one article, I would happily go see you perform, Ian. Thanks!
62
First, thank you all for your kind words. You can come see me October 4th at the Hollywood Theatre.

Second, did you even read the fucking article "4". you for-goddamned bozo? It's about taking on Portland cliche's with fresh eyes. How come everybody else understood that and you don't? Go eat all the bullets you can find.
63
That's another thing: can't find any fucking bullets in this town!
64
THANK YOU. jesus, the fritters at voodoo are the only reason to stand in that fucking bridge and tunnel line. ian, you're classic as fuck.
65
Yes, you have fresh eyes and all you take in from our great city is donuts & damaged strippers.. well good luck to you! How pathetic. For the record, I've seen you at Helium and I thought you were great, but if articles like this (and rude comments from you) are what you are becoming then please don't let the door hit you.

Most people appreciate original humor, not tired cliches and tons of "fuck" filler words for all the vocab words you don't know how to use.
66
I would like to point out that Ian appears, on first glance, to have six fingers in that photo, and I found that very disturbing. And tantalizing.

Please wait...

and remember to be decent to everyone
all of the time.

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