Standing in line for stuff.
As far as I'm concerned, Por Qué No is Spanish for "THEY'RE JUST TACOS." But tell that to the dozens of people CONSTANTLY in line at both the SE Hawthorne and N Mississippi locations. The same can be said of the delicious but overrated Apizza Scholls. It's become acceptable to wait for stuff in the rain, but if you can't find another place to get pizza or tacos or doughnuts, you're lacking in street smarts. BTW, you can cut the line at Salt & Straw if you buy a pint from the freezer case.

Not using an umbrella.
You're gonna move to Portland and someone who has lived here for two minutes is gonna say, "OH, NEVER USE AN UMBRELLA. EVERYONE WILL KNOW YOU'RE A TRANSPLANT." Uh, hey dummy, in case you haven't noticed IT RAINS HERE ALL THE GODDAMN TIME! Use an umbrella, use a raincoat, use a shrubbery. Protect yourself from the elements! No one should tell you how to do this. This should be a survival instinct that kicks in around month nine. If you use an umbrella just don't be a dick about it. (Some might disagree. See "How to Apologize for Moving to Portland.")

It's our state capital, but just skip it. We have Jimmy John's in Portland.

The Rose Festival.
The first local who told me to skip the Rose Festival did so when I was five years old: my mother, an Oregonian since 1965, ladies and gentlemen. You can watch the parade on TV.

Basically just a food court.

The Acropolis.
New Portlanders might, at their dirtbag friend's recommendation, take a trip to deep Southeast to look at titties and eat steak. The "A-Crop" is for strip-club revelers who want the authenticity of a dive bar with boobs, who've already been to Mary's to get a souvenir jacket, but are nonetheless still hungry... for meat. Legend has it that, like Les Schwab, the owners of the A-Crop have a partnership with someone in the beef industry. Nothing makes me feel less sexy than a big meal, but despite its challenging location, questionable cleanliness, and odd business model, the A-Crop is typically packed to the gills with out-of-towners looking to smear sour cream on a baked potato while enjoying a night of titty theater. I personally can't eat red meat while looking at labia, but go ahead and knock yourself out.

Saturday Market.
Ya know: handmade soap, caricatures, bongos, incense, fried stuff—this is not a "market," this is an outdoor college dorm. (Some might disagree. See "Free Love.")

Multnomah Falls.
There are way cooler waterfalls. Multnomah Falls is crawling with people. Try Horsetail Falls—it's a similar hike, and at the top you can smoke a joint without a bunch of judgmental New Portland eyes. (Some might disagree. See "Free Love.")

More Newcomers' Guide Articles:

Welcome to Portland!
Rain! Rain! Rain! Rain!
A Portlander's Pronunciation Guide
Overrated Portland
A Newcomers' Guide to Making Friends
Portland Free Stuff
Getting Around Town
Neighborhood Guide
Finding a Place to Live
How to Apologize for Moving to Portland
Comedy PDX
Bicycle Death Traps
Portland History 101
Portland Myth Bustin'!
Portland Tourist Traps