MR. HUMPHREY: NOT A RETARD

DEAR MR. HUMPHREY: Thank you for writing that m*a*s*h stinks ["I Love Television," December 12]. I have felt so alone over the years in this opinion. This show is the perfect example of "the emperor's new clothes." The worst part is it's supposed to be a COMEDY! There is nothing even remotely funny in any episode. I hate this show! It is beyond me why it was so popular and acclaimed. I bet you will get much static from the people who liked this show. Don't listen to them. They are retards!

william toolen

GOD HATES ANNA BOND

DEAR MERCURY: For the love of God and all-things-not-evil can you please not ever let Editorial Intern/Undercover Agent Anna Bond write another full-length article? ["Inside the Drunk Tank," Dec 5] Not that I personally have any problem with Ms. Bond, but God Himself hates flat narrative and lame all-too-obvious stereotyping. God also mentioned that He hates the sheer number of times Ms. Bond used the word "punitive" as well as her liberal application of quotation marks. In fact, God hates just about everything about Ms. Bond's writing style.

Thanks guys.

Lauren

MARJORIE SKINNER KNOWS SEXY

MARJORIE: Thank you for taking the time to review Revolution OS ["It's a Hard, Hard Drive," Dec 5]. A couple of your observations did intrigue me. In particular (and I don't mean this sarcastically), if you had directed the film, what would you have done to make it "sexy"? While making the film, I came to the conclusion that if you try to tell the story of how Linux and Open Source developed you are not going to find any sex, and a limited number of relevant visuals. If you have any specific suggestions, I am genuinely interested. This whole issue has become somewhat of a parlor game amongst me and my friends. The most common suggestion was to randomly insert scenes of sex and nudity. However, I was really trying to keep the running time under 90 minutes.

J.T.S. Moore

ACTUALLY, WE DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN

DEAREST EDITOR: Greetings from a representative of the Lucky Thirteens. I read with extreme trepidation Katie Shimer's preview of our show with the Go-Downs at the Ash St Saloon ["Up & Coming," Dec 12]. In our defense, I beg to differ with your description of the band as a "straight-up punk rock assault, with not a lot of risk-taking." Furthermore, we resent the implication that there's nothing but alcohol & illicit sex comprising the atmosphere around our performances. You seem to be forgetting the drugs, the violence, and the fire. These are crucial components of the spectacle. Moreover, we are COMPLETELY risk-taking. Oh wait, we don't play at the Blackbird. Never mind.

Please, we beg of you: If you're going to be chopping the heads off chickens, at least bring a bag of the heads/blood to our next show and share them with us. You know what I mean.

Luv, Tha Goatface Killah

WHAT'S WRONG WITH FAKE TITS?

ANN ROMANO: Judging by your complete lack of any fashion sense whatsoever (as evident in numerous past columns), we've got some advice for you: Take yourself and your atrocious wardrobe to the smoggy, congested, sprawled out, cancer-causing city know as Los Angeles and enjoy the plastic, Botox injected, fake-titted blondes that share your sense of great fashion. Beware: They might laugh at your faux fur vest and strappy platforms. No postcards, please.

Emily

WHAT THE AFFLECK!?

DEAR MERCURY: Thanks for printing part of my letter in this week's Mercury, but I'm dismayed to see the main point of my letter didn't make it into J. Lo's final cut.

When I questioned "Humpy's" sarcastic likening of Ralph Nader to a brain surgeon, I meant Winona Ryder was retarded to imply Nader is stupid considering he's a highly-ranked Harvard Law grad and an all-around mental giant by even his detractors' standards. That point was left half-baked as you printed my question but not the reasons I gave for asking it.

But alas, it seems the whole Ben Afflecking point of me writing my letter got snipped in the mad dash to stroke a celebrity clit (which, btw, was the only reason I relayed my story of The Facts Of Life to you attention-deficit pop culture sluts).

S.M. Berg

CONGRATS TO S.M. BERG for setting us Tom Cruise straight and winning the Mercury letter of the week! For her insistence, S.M. wins two free tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater! Send your admonishment to lovenotes@portlandmercury.com, and you could win, too!