From the Editor: We here at the Mercury defy you to check out the letter sections of any other newspaper in the country, and find better letter-writers than we have here in Portland. Don't believe it? Check out the following terriffic selections sent in during the year of our lord, 2002.

L.A.: the moral center of the universe

DEAR WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY: I find it shameful and unethical that you would give one of your own events, the karaoke night at the Blackbird [Jan 6], the attention it got in the Mercury. I came up to Portland from L.A., where the two major weeklies (New Times and the L.A. Weekly) both have strict policies about their staff not giving "picks of the week" to themselves and their friends. This creates a more level playing field, where events are garnered attention based on the talent and hard work of the people involved. Please consider adopting similar policies at the Portland Mercury.

Jonn Walterscheid

Wm. Steven Humphrey responds: Congratulations on being from Los Angeles. But here's how the Mercury does things in Portland: We pick the best shows of the night--period. If Liza Minnelli had come to Portland that day, we would have gladly deferred to her talent. (And though I suspect you already know this, the New Times and L.A. Weekly really suck.)

one less place to have sex

TO THE EDITOR: I just read that Inner City Hot Tubs was voted as one of the "Best Places in Portland to Have Sex" ["Sex Survey 2001," Feb 7]. Unfortunately, we do not tolerate any sexual activity on the premises, and people who do not respect our policy are asked to leave. Inner City Hot Tubs is a Japanese style hot-tub/sauna facility, clothing optional and co-ed.

In our experience, it's usually disturbing for our patrons when anyone is engaging in sexual activity around them. The great majority of our members and regulars come here for something else, and we do everything to offer them a space where they can feel safe. So Inner City Hot Tubs is not a place to have sex in Portland, no matter what your survey says. We will not tolerate it, not because it is wrong, but because it is not the place.

Rodrigue Deschenes

Inner City Hot Tubs

sharing an apartment in hell

TO THE EDITOR: Slaves! Vermin! The shiny gloss of bullshit that coats your lips and cheeks after being expelled from your mouth and fingers is beginning to block my ability to see any point in your paper. Article after article written by people who have not been to the shows/ movies/plays they have such a strong opinion on Julianne get out the diaper for christsakes! Stop giving advice! You are in the business of narrowing people's worldview and claiming to have a liberal outlook. Are you stupid? Or does your ego fill in all the spaces that might be taken up with self-reflection?

The road to hell is paved with good intentions. I can't tell if I am the one in hell for reading your paper or if you are for writing it.

Pig Ripple

recognize my talent, bitches!

TO THE MERCURY: I want to know what I did to NOT get the fuckin' job as the receptionist in your office last year.

I want to know because I'm a few months away from completing my B.A. and would like to know what the fuck it is that turns off potential fuckin' employees from realizing my true fuckin' God-given talent, you bitches. This is coming from a person who has no money or connections and wants to break the class barrier in attaining a worthwhile job. So I thought I'd ask you guys, having rejected me and all.

What, in my application, made you decide I wasn't worthy of working for the Mercury? I couldn't answer your fuckin' phone calls?? I gave you a toothy blowjob??? What?!

I hope you're fuckin' happy with the probably-already-rich person behind your desk.

Joe Chifari (the guy from New York who is back in New York and living it up)

there's gonna be a rumble

TO WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY: I'm glad you claim "used to skate" status [Film, Dogtown and Z-Boys review, May 9]. It would really suck to see and hear kooks like you at all the great parks we have here in Oregon. It might be fun to see you get your ass kicked or your windshield smashed out, though.

It's clear you have no concept of Stacy Peralta & Co.'s contributions. Stick to the sanitized version of skateboarding on your beloved

TV, and making up fake swear words, you inept 100,000-per-year yuppie square. See ya around.

Anonymous

Wm. Steven Humphrey responds: You'll see me around? Let's be more specific: Our office address is 1524 NW 23rd, and our hours are 9 to 5:30. I'd be curious to see if you talk so big with a mouth full of busted teeth, bitch.

learn to count, julianne

TO THE EDITOR: It's no news that Julianne Shepherd is an unequaled idiot, but she apparently can't even bundle enough brain cells together to read a friggin' press release. In her preview of the Daisychain Music Fair [Up & Coming, May 9], she refers to it as a yearly event lasting three days. Daisychain is only in its second year and it takes place over FIVE nights. Five Julianne, not three, FIVE just tap on three fingers and then go two more, and you'll get to five. Good girl now go jump off a bridge.

Hoyt Skinner

Julianne Shepherd responds: Our office address is 1524 NW 23rd, and our hours are 9 to 5:30. How about you drop by and I tap five knuckles on your face, dick?

excuse me. who let the dogs out?

DEAR NEWS DIRECTOR: I wanted to inform you about a situation in my neighborhood that has grown intolerable in the past couple of months--barking dogs. These animals live on my block and bark, howl, and wail incessantly at all hours.

I feel this is a newsworthy situation, because my plight is twofold. First, I lose many hours of healthful sleep--I write to you at 3:40 in the morning because I have been awakened again! Secondly, due to local budget cuts, there are no longer any public resources devoted to this problem. Since my neighbors have been generally unresponsive to requests to quiet these animals, I have no recourse to the law.

These dogs receive little to no attention. Is it any wonder that they bark? They are most likely in need of clean water and some exercise. But their temperament at this stage makes any such intervention on my part impossible.

Piotr Orloff

eat a crisco sandwich

HEY MERCURY: This is for the poor little skinny thing that doesn't like Crisco ["Letters," August 8, wherein Kathy states that skinny people are discriminated against]. I think hunger is driving you into a tizzy, dear. You might need to lie down. Or better yet, eat a sandwich. A Crisco sandwich. And shut the fuck up before I knock you down and steal your Muppets lunch box.

Miss Piggy

cocaine destroyed our credibility

TO THE EDITOR: I am appalled at your tasteless, thoughtless, and unbelievably insensitive new column, "Cocaine Is Great" [August 8]. You have destroyed your credibility and I am PISSED OFF!

How do you justify being so blatantly damaging? For laughs? There is not a shred of humor about it. Are you so lame that your ignorance limits your knowledge that some of your readers are recovering drug addicts? How many people do you suppose went back to active drug use after reading your glorification of cocaine? Why not run a column next week urging school children to play with daddy's shiny new .357 magnum!

Ricky Blaze

birds do not constitute "art"

TO THE EDITOR: What the fuck is up with your fucking cover art! It sucks shit! That's two twee bird issues in a row [Sept 5, Sept 12]. Come on people! It might be all cute and post-modern and whatever the fuck, but that doesn't save the fact that it's shit. It's throwaway garbage. I hate it. Why don't you assholes in the design department give me a crack at designing your cover? I do REAL ART!!! My last painting is of my ex-girlfriend giving Satan a blowjob. And I have another of George W. Bush putting a condom on my Dad while four Vietnamese boys are rimming Dick Cheney in the background. It's accomplished in-yer-face shit, and the Mercury should recognize. So get off the bird tip and get with some shit with some fucking soul!

Todd aka "The Cracker"

more and better annoyance, please

TO THE EDITOR: I hereby acknowledge your efforts to annoy us with David McNeil's "My Friend Karl, The Reasonable Nazi" ["New Column!" Sept 19, Sept 26], and I request its discontinuance.

The torpor-inducing gray blandness of this relatively benign, tolerable claptrap does not meet the high standard of annoyance I've come to expect from the Mercury. You have squandered the proven annoyance-potential of Nazis, for example, and given us sitcom-level comedy. As annoyance, it registers almost zero. About the only good thing you can say is that its mind-numbing effects make good preparation for the next page, which is Phil Busse's writing on local politics.

In short, my annoyance is impure: it bears the flavor of impatience and boredom. The Mercury has created more and better annoyance than this. Please use the "New Column!" space more annoyingly in the future.

Rupert Landau

I want seamless underwear

DEAR SIR: We are inquiring about the possibility of buying seamless underwear. I kindly ask you to send us the price-list of a seamless underwear. Thank you in advance.

Veneta Pavlova

Bulgaria

and now, the best letter ever written to any magazine

TO FACES HEAVY METAL MAGAZINE: [Originally printed, June 1992] I am sick and tired of everyone coming down on Guns N' Roses; what are they guilty of, except the fact that they kick too much ass? Is that a crime? [In fact, Guns N' Roses kick so much ass that after their shows they have to sift through the ass fragments to search for survivors!] I think maybe all of these so-called "rock journalists" should stop being so jealous of their success and just let Guns N' Roses keep kickin' ass!

D. Dunlavy

Atlanta, GA