Note from the editor: One of the more annoying attributes of the "mass media" is their tendency to characterize anyone who criticizes them as "crackpot losers" or "mental retards." And while these news outlets choose to ignore this vibrant segment of their audience, the Portland Mercury usually ends up giving them prizes. We'd like to thank EVERYONE who has taken the time to write us, and salute you by presenting the most beautifully retarded letters we've received over the past year.
SMART-MOUTHED KIDS ARE FUCKED
TO THE EDITOR VIA VOICE-MAIL: "Hey. My name is Kenneth. You have an article that says 'Teachers Are Fucked!' [Jerry Masterson, Jan 16] and it has a picture of an 8-year-old kid smiling andÉ I don't understand you people, man. You sit there and you print something like this, you know? Whatever, freedom of speech or whatever, it's garbage. I don't appreciate seeing this. It's really offending. I don't know, but just because a kid has a mouth, he shouldn't be able to use it like this. I don't care what you tell me, this is wrong, and I would appreciate not seeing this ever again. You guys should grow up. This is not funny, and it's pretty degrading. Matter of fact, your paper is worthless. And I'm not going to say thank you, because there ain't no thank you involved."
I LOVE AMERICA AND HANK III
TO ADAM GNADE: [In the following letter, all spelling and grammatical errors remain intact to preserve the hilarity of the piece. --ed] oh my goddess! who the fuck do you think you are, you stupid arrogant selfish patronizing rock critic? your no lester bang. hank is such a genius ["Wooo, Doggie!" Jan 16, about Hank Williams III]. he is so good. his lyrics are so good. you thihk he's a racist and stupid too? he's not and you are! so there. sit on a dick, dickhead. you're a racist and i bet good music all of it!. i love america. andn country music! if i ever see you on the streets of stumptown i'm going to cut your fucking head off and roll it down burnside! into the water which is gross! adam gnad,e fuck you. fuck you fuck you and all your kind. i'm so mad at the mercury rioght now i'm going to read the willamette only from now on until you die and rot. thank you very much. hank will get jistice on you and destroy you fore your opinion. god bless america. support our trops.
jenn
psa: i'm forwarding this to hank and hank jr
RUINING MUSIC AS WE KNOW IT
TO THE EDITOR: After the Locust show, I think it's become apparent that this "Dance Club" is a horrible fucking idea. ["Dance Club: The International Phenomenon," Feb 27, in which a group of girls dress up like Frenchmen, go to a hardcore show, booty dance, and yell "Dance Club!" at the end of every song.] Not only were these people incredibly annoying and lame, but the whole damn place was cheering for them like THEY were the band. They caused such a scene that the band played for, like, twenty-five minutes. They've ruined live music as we know it, and I will forever dread going to a show for fear of these horribly dressed bad dancers. If anyone sees these bastards at a show, kick them in the shins!!
Kerrie
FROM RUSSIA, WITH LOVE
HELLO THERE COWBOY: In Russia, we are many pretty and young girls who have no good futures. We have no good work here for us and many mens are only drinking and don't treat us good like man we see in western TV and films. I am looking for a man who works hard and is nice to be with me in all the ways for two people. I am joining this internet club to find a man who wants to meet nice girls and I can be special for him. [www.russiaunions.com/?oc=5206] Write me soon.
Nadja
TERRORISM IS NOT FUNNY
TO THE EDITOR, VIA VOICE MAIL: "Bueños D,as. I picked up your paper today, with that big headline that Laurelhurst had fallen, and I was just terrified ["Laurelhurst Falls," Mercury cover, April 17]! You know, there are so many morons in Portland that think they have to destroy anything that has to do with France, so I thought "My god, what's happening?" But then, after I took the paper home, I find out it's all a big joke--ohÉ ha-ha-ha-ha! Well it's not funny when you do this people. You are part of the terrorists! You contribute to them! Adieu!"
IT'S PUSSIES LIKE YOU WHO RUIN AMERICA!
TO THE MERCURY: You SUPER Left Liberals are so into your Fascist and Socialist views it's sickening. You're enemies of your own Country. You sit in your ivory towers and hide behind the flag that was handed down to you by people paying in sweat, blood, and tears. It is apparent that you don't balance your views on any level. Your constant bashing of the Administration shows Sept. 11 would happen over and over again if pussies like you were in charge of the security of the U.S.
Finally, we got rid of your favorite pimp Bill Clinton and got someone who has a spine and balls to stick it to terrorists (yes, including Iraq) and destroy their network. And of course, you pricks think Fox News is far right. It just shows how far Left you really are. Wake up!! Let's see if you have the balls to print this!
BWO
Wm. Steven Humphrey responds: Here's your letter. And while we're on the subjectÉ don't ask us if we have enough balls to print a letter unless you have enough balls to sign it--you ridiculous piece of right-wing chickenshit.
SASQUATCH TERRORIST!
TO THE EDITOR: I read "I Hunted the Hairy Man-Ape" [Sept 11] and found a lot of disturbing things. This stupid guy [Erik Henriksen] who thinks he's a "sasquatch hunter" is nothing more than a killer who only cares about money and not the welfare of the poor Sasquatch. "Bigfoot lusts for the sweet, sweet taste of human blood"? There has NEVER been a report of the Sasquatch intentionally doing harm to a human. If the Sasquatch is a human killer, why do they run when they see people? Why aren't there tons of Sasquatch attack reports?
I can't believe he really thought he could accomplish such a hideous thingÉ trying to lure a Sasquatch with bologna?? And bash it over the head with a baseball bat? In my eyes he's no better than the terrorists; they kill innocent people and now this guy is trying to kill innocent creatures for no reason at all but money. Some people are wasted skin and poor excuses for humans.
Hollie
DEAD JOHN RITTER BATTLE RAP!
TO THE EDITOR: If you're gonna go handing out fat cash to "Sweet" Pete Cornell for that sorry-ass toilet paper poem he vomited up for Ol' Jackie boy ["Ode to the Life of John Ritter" Rap Contest, Sept. 18], you'd better step off and let the love begin. Watch your back around these parts, Petey, and show some respect for the dead. While you're at it, use the 25 bucks for some rhyming lessons.
Well here it isÉ
My big ups to John Ritter
Unlike the King Elvis
He didn't go dying on the shitter
People be player hating, man
Because all they are is bitter
Jerkin' off to Suzanne Somers
Like she was the babysitter
Not exactly Al Pacino
Sure wasn't no De Niro
But he never played the race card
Like that lawyer Rob Shapiro
Keeps us laughin' til this day
Unafraid to play a gay
Aw, c'mon Jack Tripper
What more can I say
So if you think his skits were wack
You know it's quite the contrary
'Cuz no one's writin odes to his swinger friend Larry.
Mike Smyth
"Sweet" Pete Cornell responds:
Thanks for bringing focus to the heart of this thing,
I said "Fuck John Ritter" because he wasn't The King
Just another bad actor, we're overpopulated
So get off my nuts, saying I'm player hating
Which bring me to you, and your critique of my ode
Your rhyme stinks worse than fromunda my chode
"Keeps us laughing to this day," are you a retard?
And hell yes Suzanne Somers can get my dick hard
Please don't get a bitter taste about Larry--your idol
You're better off focusing on your rap recital
Think twice before you defend John Ritter the chump
Three times before you ever dare threaten me, punk
If you wanna spit out challenges, cash is the rule
I'll take your money too, then take you back to school
