YOU HURT GOD'S FEELINGS
TO THE EDITOR: The new "Ask Reverend Buddy" column [page five], which mocks the Jewish and Christian scriptures, shows a blatant disrespect for religion—without even managing to be funny. There's plenty of room in the world for irreverent and acidic humor about religion. This is just dull and offensive.

Kerry

BEER-SNEEZIN' GOOD
TO THE EDITOR: The asshole who criticized Ann Romano is stupid ["Letters," Aug 4]. In "One Day at a Time," Ann wrote that the Pope is jealous because he doesn't have a lightning shaped scar like Harry Potter, "and the witch you worship (Jesus) only has dumb stigmata marks." It's fuckin' hilarious!! I remember almost sneezing beer as I read it the first time, 'cause it was so damn funny. Way to go Ann!

Cush

KARMA HATES TAGGERS
TO THE EDITOR: I'm personally glad that Rafael got the shit kicked out of him and consider it karma paid that he got run over ["News," Aug 4, in which tagger Rafael was chased and subsequently hit by a car]. If he spray paints someone's building, he deserves every bit of pain the aftermath causes. Not only should he have to pay for all the medical costs, he should also have to pay for repainting the martial arts studio. If the mother wants to get mad, get mad at the dipshit she sired for doing something so stupid. Jesus, when did common sense and responsibility go? Just once I'd like to see a parent in this situation say "He got what he deserved," 'cause in the real world, he did.

Matt D. 

WHY GRESHAM IS GREAT
TO THE EDITOR: This week, Wm. Steven Humphrey plopped a gratuitous slam of Gresham in the milkshake roundup article [Food, Aug 4]; "Sure, if you're from Gresham, why not settle for this overrated shake?" 

Let me tell you a few things: 1) There are just as many Coffee People outlets as Burgervilles in Gresham,  2) This weekend we celebrated the FREE Mt. Hood Jazz Festival, 3) Gresham also hosts the Mt. Hood Repertory Theatre Company, featuring some of the Portland area's best actors, 4) I won't even mention the local brew pub where pints are $2.00 (good beer, not that Pabst-factory crap you all worship).

I could go on, but it would fall on deaf ears, because you never come out to Gresham—you just make little, small-minded jokes from your little, small-minded world. Pinheads.

Doug Richardson, Gresham, Oregon

THANKS, NOSTRADAMUS
DEAR EDITORS: Ten years from now, when the mainstreaming of pornography in America is finally complete, and every American is either a porn addict or a stripper, critics will be able to identify Portland, Oregon as the epicenter of the destruction. And the Mercury will have the satisfaction of knowing you helped to make it so. Fucking hipster assholes.

One Angry Girl

POTTER FAN CRIES, "BULLSHITTIUS!"
TO THE MERCURY: This is for the Muggle scum ["Letters," Aug 4, regarding the person who almost publicly gave away the ending of the new Harry Potter]. Oh, quit your moaning, Myrtle. You blew it and you knew it! No denial will erase the Dark Mark of shame burned into your flesh after giving away the ending. We weren't the only ones annoyed by your obnoxious antics—your friend looked like he wished he could Disapparate through the floor. You say these books aren't mysteries? Each volume has a revealing epiphany at the climax. Maybe you should try reading one for once—silently, from front to back, and not just the final chapter, out loud, in public the night it's released!

Now, I would never raise my wand against a helpless Muggle like yourself, but it appears that even in this simple battle of wits, you arrived woefully unarmed. (By the way, if you don't like being compared to a "porcelain doll," try lowering your voice a few octaves, and keep your curling iron faaaaaaar away from your bangs.) SHAZAM!!!

Wizard People

CONGRATS TO WIZARD PEOPLE for winning the Mercury "Letter of the Week" which includes two passes to the Laurelhurst, two tickets to see The National at Dante's on Sept. 30, and a $30 dinner to No Fish! Go Fish! (where nerds are always welcome).