So, you're a gay man? Good for you! As you may have heard, being gay is about more than just Klymaxx records and Jell-O shots. Engaging in gay sex is de rigueur. If you seek suggestions about how to ensure that "It" Gets Better, scan the following guidelines in bold and consider my accompanying remarks. If not, I recommend the novels of Bret Easton Ellis.

Since most straight men have proven uncooperative, learned gay ones have given me lessons. Although primarily, gay men are self-centered bitches, there are some gay gems out there. Keep in mind that gay men are adept at fronting; thus, most are just as insecure as you are. Do not let rejection dissuade you from further prowling—you'll be on the business end of a cock soon enough.

With a few men under your belt (ha!), you might be pleased with your proficiency. Remember, though, that our goal is your sexual evolution—so no matter how intimidating, it's okay to put your mouth there. An effective means of attenuating the intimidation is to take a long-term sexual partner. As long as he is clean and agreeable, I don't see any reason why, say, your tongue shouldn't fulfill a potentially off-putting request. But there are limits. For instance, I'd draw the line at casting a ballot for Michele Bachmann just to "keep things fresh."

Don't be offended or whine like a high-school drama coach if someone corrects your techniques. As Dr. Ruth Westheimer once said, "Don't be embarrassed to say, 'I don't know.'" If you want to improve your sex-terity, this tenet is crucial. What titillates Lance doesn't necessarily do it for Justin. Pay attention, comply within reason, and then file it in your sex Rolodex for later. Perhaps J.C. likes it, too.

Finally, how is it possible—considering I have a bald spot, a belly, and constant heartburn—that I'm getting more play at 36 than I did at 26? Apparently, nowadays six-packs are out and sporting a rugby player's gut is in. So, go ahead. Eat another bag of Funyuns. Don't worry too much about turning 30 (or 40)—men typically become more handsome as they age.

Even though I haven't banged any celebrities yet (or does the bassist for Jamiroquai count?), I've enjoyed a damn good sex life. "It", for me, has gotten better. I am convinced I will continue to get better. If I don't, I guess I'm screwed—and I'm a top!