Gifts for the ladies in your life
Boys! With the holidays just around the corner, your chance to redeem yourself runs high! Turn in those AC/DC records and take your Atari to the pawn shop, because this is a time of crucial importance. Choose wisely, my friend, for this goes on your permanent record. One wrong move and you could be shunned from female society for the majority of your adult life!
Heed these words: Avoid cheap lingerie like the plague. If for some godforsaken reason you frequent Montgomery Ward, steer clear of the intimates section--no matter what the cost. See a lacey, beige chemise? Run--don't walk--to the nearest exit! Trample small children and those old ladies on motorized carts! You must somehow manage to escape untainted from such horror. On the other hand, there are a number of perfectly acceptable, even extraordinary gifts to show your main flame that you are not, in fact, totally and completely inept.
Cheap Naked Fun
Gas up the car and go west, young man! The Uniontown Steam Baths located in beautiful Astoria provide the perfect getaway for you and your girl with guaranteed nudity! $17 gets you an hour in your own private steam room, or, for Horny Boys seeking Horny Boys, drop your drawers and head to the Men's Public Baths, aka "The Bullpen." Eek! Flaccid genitalia left and right! (But not for long, right?) There's even a XXX Video store located above the Baths. Hmm, how eerily convenient....
Uniontown Steam Baths 285 W Marine Drive, Astoria, Thu-Sun, 4-10:30 pm
Price: $17 per hour
Good Vibrations
Can't seem to get the job done? Call for back up! The Crystal Cock Lite Vibrator can do all the things your clumsy fingers can't! This 6" multiple-speed jelly torpedo is sure to fire your sweetheart into orgasmic ecstasy. Here's your chance to hear your girl having a real orgasm instead of the fake ones she performs to soothe your tender ego. (Betcha didn't see that one coming!) Just twist the base for total timing control. For a mere $21.95, she'll be forever grateful!
Available at: www.adameve.com, or call 1-800-293-4654
Price: $21.95
Things that Sparkle
So you really like this girl. She's smart and funny and sweet. She kisses you on the cheek and falls asleep in your arms. She puts up with your sporadic bathing schedule and frequent bodily functions. Yes, I know you really need a new amp, your 1985 Dodge Daytona is on its last legs, and they're threatening to shut off your phone. Just buy the fucking diamonds, ok? Tiffany & Co. Diamond Earrings from the Victoria Collection set in platinum, are $4,500, and worth it. Log onto tiffany.com or visit the new store at Pioneer Place, opening just in time for the holidays.
Available at: Tiffany & Co., 700 SW 5th Ave
Price: $4,500
For the (Not So) Gentlemen
Okay girls, the trick here is to buy gifts for your boys that will actually benefit you. This can be done without suspicion as long as you throw in one or two of the standard boyfriend gifts, e.g. record store gift certificate (Music Millenium, 3158 E Burnside & 801 NW 23rd Ave) or new boxers to replace his holey, poop-streaked ones (Gap, various locations). But onwards and upwards, right? Right! Read on for some suggestions that are sure to prolong your toleration of that special someone.
The Joy of Sex
Chances are your man could use some pointers besides the one in his pants! Give him the gift of sexual wisdom from Powell's City of Books where you'll find an array of literature that will steer his schlong in the right direction. Chris Allen presents 1001 Sex Secrets Every Man Should Know for only $8. Are those handcuffs just a bit too snug? Wrap up Come Hither: A Commonsense Guide to Kinky Sex by Gloria G. Brame for $10.40. Is your sex life (and relationship) unsalvageable? Give him The Joy of Solo Sex by Harold Litten ($12.95) right before you dump his sorry ass come December 26th.
Available at: Powell's City of Books, 1005 W Burnside, Various Prices
Hairy Snotter and the Tweezers of Doom
You know you're in trouble when your boyfriend's nose hair could double as a moustache. Enter the Turbo-Groomer 2.0. Its dual steel blades trim away nose and ear hair effortlessly at over 4000 RPMs. Its bright little headlight will guide him through the thicket as he becomes doable again in just a few minutes. Worth every penny of the $59.95 it will cost you; takes two C batteries (not included). Cleans easily under running water.
Available at: The Sharper Image at Pioneer Place, or sharperimage.com
Price: $59.9
Buy Him Soap
Those damn dirty, horny boys!
Ivory Soap, Available at any local supermarket, $1.99
