Marie Martin

I’ve had it with boys who don’t call back, or boys who call back incessantly when I don’t want them to. I’ve had it with waxing my bikini line, “going Dutch,” and I’ve especially had it with my head somehow being mistaken for a steering wheel. I’ve had it with dating, and the tips that […]

I’m not sure if I’m supposed to use this column as a personal dating service, but let’s see if I can’t squeak this one by my editor. There’s a couple of boys from escapades past that I would like to see again. But, I really have no way of finding them. You see, I was […]

I recently flew across the country to spend a few days with a “male friend,” if you know what I mean. Now I was a little nervous about transporting two large purple dildos in my suitcase, but I’ve found that if you wrap them up in t-shirts, you won’t get stopped at the X-ray checkpoint. […]

Last weekend, I went shopping with my friend Megan, and by the end of the day I had in my possession a giant roll of purple carpet. In order for everyone to fit in Megan’s small car, I had to ride on top of the carpet roll and getting out proved to be somewhat difficult. […]

So I’m standing on my friend’s porch the other morning in North Portland and I see this dude approaching. Although he appeared to be moderately horny (trust me, I can gauge these things), I figured I was safe considering I was wearing old jeans and a little T-shirt. Plus it was like, 8 o’clock in […]

It’s winter in Portland, a time that always reminds me of the three Ds (aside from the set in my brassiere): Depression, desolation, and desperation. This season brings plenty of time to reflect upon the loneliness of humanity, the sheer emptiness that drives so many to foolish, embarrassing acts during this dark, cold season. I […]

There are three girls remembered at every school: 1) the girl who slept with the English teacher; 2) the girl who’s had like, 10 million abortions (see number 1); and 3) the girl who let the dog lick peanut butter out of her crotch. Ah, the golden days of high school! Booze, boobs, and bestiality! […]

The story so far: Girl is horny. Girl holds contest. Girl meets boy. Not only do I possess ravishing beauty, scintillating wit, and several moist orifices, I am also prone to random premonitions and all that other goofy psychic stuff! It’s true! Before I even opened his entry, I knew that Mr. Raymond Brigleb was […]

Thanks to everyone who entered the “Dating Tips Booty Call” contest, where contestants explained why they should win a date with me, Marie Martin! Little did I know the horniness that awaited me! One fellow claimed he could “drive pilings” with his erection. Yowsa! Too bad he included a picture showcasing his choice of friends: […]