My dear horny readers! Do I have the chance of a lifetime for you! My fine ass is back on the market and up for grabs, so break out those bow ties and get ready for the first ever Dating Tips Booty Call! That’s right, you too can win a date with me, Marie Martin, […]
Marie Martin
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Gifts for Horny Boys (& Girls)
by the author of the popular Mercury column Dating Tips for Horny Boys,
Pullout: Guide to Gifts
Posted inDating Tips for Horny Boys
Dating Tips for Horny Boys
Guide to Daily Living
Last night I got to thinking to myself and I said, “Self, it’s about time those horny boys learned how to behave outside the bedroom.” Sure, I enjoy a good shakedown in the sack, but that’s not the only place my foreskinned friends could use a tip or two. Ladies and gentlemen (well, mostly gentlemen), […]
Posted inDating Tips for Horny Boys
Dating Tips for Horny Boys
My Rampant Crushes
When I was barely 18, I gave the lead singer of my favorite band a hand job. This was scary for two reasons: He was pretty hairy and he wasn’t circumcised. Either of these traits are perfectly fine, but it was the first time I had encountered such massive amounts of hair and skin, boldly […]
Posted inDating Tips for Horny Boys
Dating Tips for Horny Boys
How to Have a Quickie
PART I: Preparation Mindset is key. Be a horndog! Envision you and your secret lover romping through fields of fornication where there are no squeaky mattresses, no tangled sheets, and no missionary positions. Boys, you cannot wear briefs. Aside from the fact they are utterly revolting, you must wear something that provides easier access to […]
Posted inDating Tips for Horny Boys
Dating Tips for Horny Boys
Condom Review
Hey Ladies! Here’s a collection of condom reviews to help you find the perfect saddle for your ride on the baloney pony! • Trojan® Extra Strength (Non-Lubricated) Ladies! Are you prone to regrettable, one-night stands with strangers when you get a little tipsy? Does it frequently feel like you’re urinating sulfuric acid and can’t figure […]
Posted inDating Tips for Horny Boys
Dating Tips for Horny Boys
How to Kiss
Although I have not personally ventured into the hairy pie of lesbianism, I will venture to say that, as a whole, men–more than women–need help in the make out department. What follows are some excellent tips from The Art of Kissing by Hugh Morris. PREPARING FOR THE KISS “The odor of her body can […]
Posted inDating Tips for Horny Boys
Dating Tips for Horny Boys
Unfortunately, It’s True
I have recently received truckloads of letters stating disbelief that my tips are derived from real life experience. Well, dear readers, I am sad to inform you that all of these things have actually happened to me. The only redeemer here is that while some goateed drug dealer is humping my leg at 3 am, […]
Posted inDating Tips for Horny Boys
Lesson Two: Do’s and Don’ts
When we wake up together in the morning, DON’T respond to the question “What’s for breakfast?” with either of the following cunning remarks: “Cock sandwich.” “I’ve got your breakfast in my pants.” DON’T throw condoms at me while I’m sitting on your couch watching TV. This is not the way to approach me about sex. […]
Posted inDating Tips for Horny Boys
Lesson One: How to Get Laid
1. You are not allowed to like (even secretly) any of the following bands: Chicago, Boston, or any other group named after a city. 2. Sorry boys, but size counts. If you don’t have the goods to back it up, don’t keep asking me how much I like your cock. I don’t. I am disappointed. […]