Join the fun Wednesday for Pride Night at Providence Park!
Join the fun Wednesday for Pride Night at Providence Park! Photo courtesy of Portland Thorns FC

What are you doing? Riding your bike naked? Lying in the sun and drinking on a patio? Well, throw on some pants and get some tickets, because... THE THORNS ARE BACK HOME ON WEDNESDAY!

It's been a while since I’ve written a bla-bla-blog for you, but it’s not because my fanship for the best soccer team in the universe has diminished, decreased, or declined. I’M STILL HEAD OVER HEELS IN LOVE WITH THE THORNS AND I DON’T CARE WHO KNOWS IT! I still love you too, and I still love THE CAPS LOCK KEY! But life got hella busy and I had to rearrange some priorities. But I’m back and we are together and that’s all that matters.

What do you say we catch up a bit on some Thorns happenings before Wednesday’s game? Here is a brief synops of what's been going on:

Most recently the Thorns CRUSHED the Houston Dash 3-1 on the road. HITCH KICKS AND LIPSTICKS WHAT A BEAUTIFUL FRIDAY NIGHT IT WAS! The stars that night were big and bright when Thorns' Captain Christine scored the final goal while celebrating her 100th game in the league. DEEP IN THE HEART OF TEXAS!

S-I-N-C-L-A-I-R Thats how you spell legend around Portland.
S-I-N-C-L-A-I-R That's how you spell legend around Portland. Photo courtesy of Portland Thorns FC

Prior to that match the Thorns earned only one goal in Orlando, and while it wasn’t a solid gold win against the Pride, one goal was all the Thorns needed to end in a draw. And you know what I ALWAYS say about Orlando, “It’s hot as hell and the beer is mediocre.”

Then there was that gut-buster of a loss here in Portland against the North Carolina Courage. Boy, was that an emotional evening for fans. Read all about the cutting words and “personal reasons” Courage's Jaelene Hinkle had to talk about just a few days before our match. The Thorns lost 2-0, but that whole weekend left me with a nasty taste in my mouth... what’s that taste? It’s so familiar... OH IT’S THAT BARF-THROUGH-YOUR-NOSE TASTE OF HOMOPHOBIA.

The Thorns have dealt with a series of injuries this year that's slowed the team down considerably, but the injured are finally recovering enough to get back on the field. Most notable IN MY OPINION is COMMANDER AND CHIEF OF BALL HALTS, AD Franch. Last year Franch was named the goalie of the year but this year she suffered a badass knee injury that needed to be addressed. She returned to the pitch last week in Houston and had a great game. LOOK MA, NO RUST!

AD Franch is locked and loaded. I am so glad she's back in goal for the Thorns
AD Franch is locked and loaded. I am so glad she's back in goal for the Thorns Photo courtesy of Portland Thorns FC

Tobin Heath is back to her tactical antics after another ankle injury and THANK YOUR AUSTRALIAN STARS, Haley Raso is also back in action! We're still waiting to hear how Midge Purce is feeling though. She suffered an ankle injury while training with the National team weeks ago and hasn’t made it back to the field just yet. HASH TAG THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS AND PHYSICAL THERAPY

Men’s World Cup soccer is in full force! My head is in a blissful spin with so much amazing soccer to watch. I haven’t officially picked a team that I'm rooting for, but I generally find something about a team to root against each game. Maybe that guy is too sassy... or maybe that country is Russia and I think their politics are shady so I just hope they lose... or maybe someone’s haircut is “too much”

Want to know something else notable about the Men’s World Cup? You know Aly Wagner, the pro who does the analysis for the NWSL Lifetime Television (for women) Game of the Week? Well, she’s the first woman to ever do analysis for a Men’s World Cup. And get this, SHE’S FREAKING NAILING IT! In the words of Ricki Lake and my mom, "You Go Girl!"

I started watching the new version of Dynasty and, while it’s definitely not as good as the original with Joan "HERE COMES THE SLAP" Collins and Linda "YES, ALL OF THIS HAIR IS MINE" Evans, it really holds up to the whole “Women fighting other women for places of power that ultimately are controlled by a man” standard. Keeping up with the Carringtons really helps me appreciate the collaboration and teamwork seen by women playing in the NWSL. TEAMWORK MAKES THE DREAM WORK AND HAIRSPRAY MADE THE 1980S WORK.

Another Australian super force has arrived in Portland this week. Caitlin Foord suffered a serious foot injury and surgery and still has 3-5 weeks before she’ll be on the pitch with the team but knowing that she’ll be healthy at the end of the season is a little peace of mind. FOORD- BUILD TO LAST (This will likely make more sense after she is healed and healthy.)

Welcome to America, Caitlin Foord!
Welcome to America, Caitlin Foord! Photo courtesy of Portland Thorns FC

The Thorns are seated in the fourth spot of the league standings with 19 points. The season is at its midway point and things feel positive with so many Thorns returning from injury. There are still some very difficult matches coming up for the Thorns though. The team has a quick turn around after their match on Wednesday. They'll have to pack it up and head north on I-5 to face the Seattle Reign who are currently ranked third, just ahead of us, also with 19 points. CUE DRAMATIC STING.

The Thorns are playing at 7:30 on Wednesday downtown at Providence Park against ninth ranked Sky Blue. DEAD STINKING LAST. And just like there’s no crying in baseball, there's no guaranteed wins in the NWSL. Wednesday night is PRIDE NIGHT, so come wave a flag and be a part of this fan favorite! In the words of House of Pain PACK IT UP, PACK IT IN, LET ME BEGIN... to get you to click the link, buy some tickets and JUMP AROUND at Providence Park on Wednesday Night!
See you at the game!

Coach Parsons knows all the words to the song Jump Around and screams them as loud as he can at each game. No, no he doesnt. That is a total lie.
Coach Parsons knows all the words to the song Jump Around and screams them as loud as he can at each game. No, no he doesn't. That is a total lie. Photo courtesy of Portland Thorns FC