Martin Rose / Staff / Getty Sports

The US Women’s National Team swept Sweden 2-0 Thursday in their final group stage match at the Women’s World Cup! BIG SHARK CHOMPS SWEDISH FISH!

We already knew the USWNT was advancing into the knockout stage of the tournament—but this match determined who the US will play next. With this win, the US will play Spain—if the US had lost they would’ve played Canada. COLLECTIVE CANADIAN SIGH OF RELIEF! Another factor in this game was the USDA BEEF the US Women had with Sweden. You see, in the 2016 Olympics, Sweden knocked the US out of the tournament in a quarter-final match. IT. WAS. A. STUNNER. And a major upset. But lucky for us,AMERICAN JUSTICE WAS SERVED!

There comes a time in every soccer lover’s life when they have to learn about how things work INSIDE the tournament. And just like sex ed, I will give you the gist of how the World Cup works, then you’ll have to go on your own INTERNET SEARCH ADVENTURE.

The Women’s World Cup starts with six groups of four teams. All four teams play each other, then the top two teams from each group, plus the top four teams from all of the groups, enter into the knockout stage. The stage is now set for the US (Group F’s winner) to play Spain (Group B’s second-place team) on Monday at 9 am Pacific. Whoever loses that match goes home. NO ROSE CEREMONY OR TIKI TORCH BEING BLOWN-OUT CEREMONY, JUST DONEZO. FIN. BYE FELICIA.

Here's the look right now:

Are you one of those people that can’t wait for awesome things to happen? Do you open Christmas presents early? You can't help yourself and spoil the surprise for a friend's birthday? Well, Lindsey Horan is that person, too! Horan couldn’t even wait five minutes to score the first goal. WHAT A RUINER!


Horan scored in the first three minutes of the game after Megan Rapino delivered a corner kick low and to the center of the box—right to Horan’s feet! This is the quickest goal in the tournament so far! VIN DIESEL AIN’T GOT NOTHING ON THE FAST AND FURIOUS HORAN!

Horan played the full 90 + minutes of the game and her energy, leadership, and RAW DETERMINATION on the pitch was incredible. I'm stunned how hard this woman is going and can’t wait to have her back in Providence Park for another good ol' Thorns rampage. TIGER EYES!

The second goal also came from the feet of a Portland Thorn—one the whole world knows VERY well. TOBIN FREAKIN’ HULKIN’ HEATH kicked some kind of DEVIL’S OBTUSE ANGLE of a ball from the far out right side of the goal to snap some net knots nearly in half. ROAR SO HARD YOU PEE A LITTLE!

Later, in the second half of the match, the FIFA bosses decided to not credit Heath for this goal but rather credit it as an own goal by Sweden. I guess the ball hit the foot of a defender on the way in and the magical unknown beings behind the VAR (Video Assisted Referee) curtain decided the goal couldn’t have possibly gone in without that error on Sweden.


This match was the most fun to watch. The USWNT got to flex their soccer muscles against a well-deserving and good team. Sure, they have a long way to go before winning the whole shebang, but the fans (and the world) got to see that the US Women are no joke. They're JUST BUSINESS and NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS, BUT RATHER WIN GAMES AND PROVE THEY ARE WORTH MORE $$ THAN THEY ARE CURRENTLY BEING PAID.

The US is showing up as cohesive as ever and their defense is something to be feared. I’ve enjoyed watching Crystal Dunn connect the back and front of the squad with quick, precise, and powerful crosses and far feeds to immediate and threatening spots. Believe me, it PAINS ME to speak so highly of someone that plays for the North Carolina Courage, but Dunn has got it all: fitness, quickness, and confidence.

The USWNT plays again on Monday against Spain. So far in the tournament, Spain beat South Africa 3-0, lost to Germany 1-0, and tied China 0-0 in their group stage. It should be another great game... but WHAT WOMAN’S SOCCER MATCH ISN’T GREAT?

You can catch the Portland Thorns at home in Providence Park TONIGHT at 8 pm against the Utah Royals. TICKETS HERE!

Follow me on Twitter @erinjeanius and find me screaming about women’s soccer around Portland, OR!